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Save Your Marriage Podcast

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The Compatibility Myth
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The Compatibility Myth“We’re just not compatible” has been the start of many “we can’t stay together” discussions.  But is it true?  Is there an issue of compatibility?

If you believe the many on-line dating profiles, that is the way you find your love:  compatibility. Complete a profile, indicate what you like, and be cross-referenced for people with similar likes.

But guess what?  Not much research backs that.

“Birds of a feather flock together” is no more true than “opposites attract.”

And still. . . it is the stated reason for many marriage-ending discussions.

When I hear the statement in my office, I have one central question:  “What do you mean by ‘compatible.'”  Suddenly, confidence in incompatibility erodes into confusion on what they even mean.

In reality, it is mostly an excuse.

People from opposite ends of the political and/or religion spectrums get along just fine.  People with opposite tastes in music, food, art, and whatever other “compatibles” there are, manage happy marriages.  People with few or no shared sports or activities still stay in love.

There is one area of compatibility that DOES matter.  I tell you about it in this week’s podcast, along with the reasons why compatibility, for the most part, doesn’t matter for marital bliss.

And if you are ready to get beyond that “compatibility excuse,” grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

Want to know what marriage is REALLY about?  LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST EPISODE.

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STOP The Fishing Expedition
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Stop the fishing expedition.You may just be on a fishing expedition, and not even realize it!

If you are trying to get your spouse to respond, trying to get some feedback from your spouse, you are on a fishing expedition!

You probably won’t attract what you want.  And you may scare away what you most want to attract.

Do you think you might be on a “fishing expedition”?  Listen in to this week’s podcast and see if you are fishing. . . and what to do if you ARE!

RELATED RESOURCE:
Gary Chapman Interview
Save The Marriage System

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Dealing With Naysayers
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Dealing with naysayers and negative people when you are working to save your marriage.You’ve decided to try and save your marriage (good for you!).  But whenever you talk with family, friends, or even some professionals, they tell you to give up and walk away.

How do you keep from getting derailed by the negativity?

First, let’s be clear that they are probably well-meaning and want to be helpful.  Second, let’s be clear that many people truly believe that a broken marriage is, well, permanently broken.

After all, much of the world has never seen another option.  Many people (even professionals) do not know there is an alternative.  So, they are speaking from their knowledge and experience.

Which does not mean they are right.  Only that they are speaking from their viewpoint.

Consider the reasons behind the “advice” you are getting.  And consider your own reasons for seeking the advice.  Then, decide what you are going to do with that advice.  Does it really need to derail you?  Nope.

Let me give you some suggestions for dealing with Naysayers in this week’s podcast below.

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“Help! My Spouse Doesn’t Believe I Can Change!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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When your spouse doesn't believe you will change or have changed. What to do.You’ve been working hard to reconnect and change yourself.  You’re proud of your efforts.  But your spouse just isn’t buying.

For whatever reason (which is what I discuss in this week’s podcast), your spouse just does not trust the changes — or maybe doesn’t even see the changes!

Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall?  Like nothing you are doing is making a difference?  Like your spouse has already judged you and won’t allow themselves to see something different?

This week, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn’t willing or able to see a change.  Included are the times your spouse might acknowledge that there has been a change, but doesn’t trust that the change will last.

Does that describe your situation?  If so, please listen.  I also discuss how to shift this dynamic in your favor.

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Expressive or Avoidant?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I was discussing a situation with a client.  He told me he was confused.  His wife avoided emotions.  Except she would explode in anger.  He couldn’t figure it out.  He tended to avoid conflict, but expressed his emotions.  “What gives?”

Well, my client and his spouse are expressive and avoidant about two different things.  So, I suggested thinking about a quadrant, where there are four types of expressive behaviors.

There are two categories:  emotions and conflict.  There are two different scales:  avoidant and expressive.

“Emotions” is a category about how someone is feeling and reacting.  Happy, mad, sad, angry.  All emotions.  That some share and some avoid.

Then, there is “Conflict,” which is relational, around areas of disagreement.  There will always be conflicts in intimate relationships.  The question is how they are processed and expressed (or avoided).

The “Expressive” or “Avoidant” scales are not absolute, but a continuum from avoidant all the way to expressive.

You could be expressive in both emotions and conflicts.  You can be avoidant in emotions and conflicts.  Or you could be expressive in one, but avoidant in the other.  Which leaves us with four categories.

And it is likely that you and your spouse do not share the same square.

And if you do, you may not share the same spot on the continuum.

Let me tell you more in the podcast below.

(And if you are ready to save your marriage, please GRAB MY SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM.)

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How To Stay In The Game
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How to Stay In the Game.You might feel like “tapping out,” or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away.

It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse.  You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship.  But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.

How do you “stay in the game?”

Partly, it is mental.  But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward.  Let me share some strategies on how to “Stay in the Game” in this week’s podcast.

Listen below.

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3 Secrets Of People Who Save Their Marriage (And YOU Need To Know)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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3 secrets people who save their marriage know, and you need to learn.aI have watched from the sidelines as people work to save their marriage.  And it strikes me that there are three secrets people who save their marriage learn and master.  If you don’t know these secrets, you need to.

What are those 3 secrets?

  1.  They know the difference between Symptoms and Cause.
  2. They know their spouse is not the enemy. (You may think you know this, too.  But you may be acting the opposite.)
  3. They know they need a plan.  (Not just a thought, or an idea, but a plan.)

If you don’t know these secrets, you need to learn them.  Listen to this week’s podcast below to learn the secrets.

HERE ARE SOME ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
It’s About WE
Spouse As Enemy
You Need A Plan
Get The System

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Don’t Try To “Make,” “Get,” or “Cause” Your Spouse To. . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't try to get, make, or cause your spouse to do something.The conversation starts innocently enough.  Someone wants help saving a marriage.  They tell me about the disconnection haunting the relationship.  They tell me about the hurts and struggles.  They tell me they are desperate to turn things around.

And then they say it.  “How do I get my spouse to. . .” “How do I make my spouse to. . . ” “How do I cause my spouse to. . . .”

They say these things in innocence, really wanting to get things to a better place.  They want to make the marriage work.  They hope to cause a shift in the relationship.  But they are aiming it at their spouse.

Herein lies the problem.  It is about somehow getting, making, or causing a spouse to make a shift — maybe only as far as getting a spouse to think the marriage could be saved.

Innocent.

And doomed for failure.

Why?

Because just behind all three words lurks the same thing:  manipulation or coercion.  And usually with a spouse who is on the defensive, already suspicious and on guard.

And even if they are not, who wants to be manipulated or coerced?  Even if it is in a good direction?

Don’t fall into this trap.  Listen to the podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Marriage Is A WE
No Contact Rule
Reverse Psychology
Save The Marriage System

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“I Love You, But I’m NOT IN Love”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."That one phrase has sent more marriages into a downward spiral than any other:  “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”

What does that even mean?

Notice that the phrase is uttered BECAUSE things are not where they need to be.

But there is a fork in the road here.  IF you know what this is about, it can be an opportunity to rebuild, to find a better path to a better marriage.

But if you don’t know what this is about, and what to do about it, your next actions can accelerate the downward spiral.  It can rapidly go from “love you, but not in love,” to “I want a divorce.”  It just doesn’t have to.

In this week’s podcast, I let you in on what this phrase REALLY means, and what to do about it.

RELATED RESOURCES
Disconnection In Marriage
Don’t Chase
Save The Marriage System

 

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The Created Past And Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The Created Past Is Hurting Your MarriageSounds so philosophical, doesn’t it?  Your “created past.”  What is that?

We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.

When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.

If you are wondering why your spouse can’t remember the happier times, can’t remember the passion, can’t remember the connection, this is it.  The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.

Let’s talk more about this in the podcast below:

RELATED RESOURCES:
Connection And Marriage
Perceptions In Marriage
Fears In Marriage
Restoring Your Marriage

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