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Civility And Respect Is A Choice: Immutable Law Of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Civility and Respect, Always A Choice: Immutable Law Of MarriageToo frequently, I have clients who treat me with great respect, being very civil.  I keep thinking, “What a nice person.”

Then, their spouse comes in.  Civility and respect are out the window.  More often than not, both are equally uncivil and disrespectful.  Unfortunately, neither seem to recognize that each has a choice.  Civility and respect, both, are always a choice.

How about you?  Do you choose to be civil?  Do you choose to be respectful? (Regardless of your spouse’s actions!)

Civility and respect can be the foundation for building/rebuilding a strong marriage.

But you have to choose it.

Listen to this week’s podcast for more help on this.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up

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You HAVE To SHOW UP!: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: You Have To Show Up!The body is there, but nobody’s home.  That would describe many people when their spouse is talking.  Or even when they are making love.

The shell is there.  The person?  Not so much.  They are failing to “Show Up.”  And they are violating an Immutable Law of Marriage.  If you keep failing to show up, eventually, there will be no relationship to show up for!

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who forgot to show up?  That hollow look, the lack of emotional connection, those missed facts.  It doesn’t feel too good, does it?

Which raises the question:  How often do WE fail to Show Up?  I’m afraid I miss it more than I want.  But can we show up MORE?

Absolutely.

Let’s talk about how.

And if you have missed the other episodes from the Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series, here they are:

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse

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Look For The Best In Your Spouse: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Look for the best in your spouse!I was a bit surprised when he pulled out a list from his pocket.  He told me it was a list of all the problems his spouse had.  I was so surprised that it took me a minute to respond.

By then, he had already launched into his list.  He had it categorized into “appearance,” “habits,” “issues,” and others I refused to listen to.

He was just getting ready to highlight each category when I said, “Where is the list of her great qualities?  Where is the list of YOUR shortcomings?  Where is the list of relationship strengths and weaknesses?”

If you are thinking, “What a jerk,” I caution you.  Most of us have his list somewhere in our minds.  We have a list of places where our spouse falls short, could improve, might want to consider.

That list is rarely (I would say “never,” but someone might prove me wrong) helpful.  It is a critical (and probably not completely accurate) list that misses all those great qualities that attracted you in the first place.

To be clear, we ALL have places where we could learn, stretch, and grow.  That is not the issue. The issue is that spouses often get caught up in looking at the shortcomings — and ignore those other areas.

What if we flipped it?  What if we spent MOST of the time looking at the strengths and great qualities?  What if we were to look to be supportive — not critical — and cheering our spouse on?  What if we became the president of our spouse’s fan club?  Not just a fan, but a raving fan?

We violate this Immutable Law of Marriage on a regular basis.  Here’s how to fix it.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do

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Love Is What You Do: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Love is what you DO.“I just don’t feel it anymore,” she told me.

So I asked, “What are you not feeling?”

“Love.”  She told me she no longer loved her husband.

I asked, “What are you doing to be loving?”

She looked up, a bit surprised.  “What?  I just told you, I don’t love him.”

I challenged her, “I heard you say you don’t FEEL love, but I didn’t ask that.  I asked what you were DOING to be loving.”

She admitted she was doing nothing.  Because she didn’t feel anything.

I think she had the equation wrong.  She wasn’t feeling any love because she had stopped being loving.  To be fair, they both had stopped being loving.  No surprise that the feelings pretty much evaporated at that point.

Here’s the problem:  Love is a complicated word.  It has many meanings and many shades.  But when a marriage is in trouble, almost always, the default definition is the feeling of being in love.  Then, that is used as the yardstick of the relationship.

Unfortunately, those feelings are a result of acting lovingly.  But people keep waiting for the feeling to be there, so they would feel like acting.

Listen below on why this is the wrong move, wrong direction.  And how to change it.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress

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Immutable Law Of Marriage: The Goal of Conflict is Progress
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: The Goal of Conflict is Progress.When you have a disagreement, what is your goal?  What are you trying to do?  What are you aiming at?

For many people, the goal of a disagreement is to get your way, make your point, prove yourself right — win.

In any relationship, that can be damaging.  But most relationships can either weather that dynamic or aren’t important enough to matter.  Except for marriage.

When the goal of conflict in marriage is to win, the relationship suffers.  Sure, an individual can walk away, feeling good about the points scored or the advantage gained.  But the relationship suffers.  And over time, the relationship breaks down.

Let me suggest that in any conflict, the goal should be progress.  In a marriage, it is crucial that the goal is progress.

Why do we lose sight of this?  Let’s talk about it on this week’s podcast.

The Immutable Law of Marriage:  The Goal of Conflict is Progress.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood

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Immutable Law of Marriage: Connection Is The Lifeblood
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: Connection is the Lifeblood of MarriageMaybe couples take it for granted.  Maybe they never knew.  And maybe they never knew because it was always there.  It was what led to being in love, to wanting to be together.  When it is there, you forget how important it is.  When it is gone, you realize your marriage is in deep trouble — but often only when it hits a critical turning point.

What is it?

Connection.

If a marriage loses connection, the marriage loses the lifeblood.

A friend of mine almost died from a heart attack.  His arteries were nearly clogged — and he never knew it!  Slowly, over time, the arteries were more and more clogged.  Sure, he got breathless.  But isn’t that just a part of aging?  Sure, he was tired.  But wasn’t his job stressful?

The critical incident only required a little clot to blog the rest, and down he went!  He is fortunate to be alive.

And now, once the blockage was cleared, he is feeling great.  He is back to exercising and an active life.  Why?  His blood flow is restored.

The lifeblood of your marriage?  Connection.  If it is blocked off, your marriage is in trouble.

The Immutable Law of Marriage:  Connection is the lifeblood of your marriage.  Listen to the podcast for what that means and how to restore circulation.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause

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Immutable Law: There Is No Pause
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: There is no Pause.Every day, I hear the story:  “I thought we were just ‘on pause.’  After ______, we would get back to the relationship.”  That ______ can be:  friends, hobbies, education, job, sports, interests, and often — KIDS.

That time comes (if you even get that far), only to discover that the marriage was not on pause.  It was dying.

Sometimes, people find this out when there is no pulse, the relationship strangled of life.

What happened?

The Immutable Law Of Marriage is, “there is no pause in marriage.”

Connection is the life-blood of a marriage.  When you think you hit “pause,” you actually began strangling off the connection.  Once connection begins to fail, the marriage begins to suffocate.

Let’s talk about why you can’t hit “Pause,” and what to do if you already thought you hit “Pause.”

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fears

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Immutable Law: We ALL Have Fears
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: We ALL Have FearsThe Immutable Laws of Marriage are violated at your own peril.  This week, it is not so much a law you might violate, as much as it is a law you need to know.

Here it is:  We ALL have fears that we bring into a marriage.  Fears that really do not affect many other relationships.  They are deeply rooted and painful when hit — and you WILL hit them.  Over and over again.

That is just the nature of life and these fears.

In particular, we have two relational fears:

  1. The Fear Of Intimacy
  2. The Fear of Abandonment

These fears play off of each other, compound each other, and complicate each other.  Unless, of course, you understand what these fears are about, why they are there, and how to not let them dominate your relationship.

Learn how to avoid the sabotage of these fears in this week’s podcast.  Hit “PLAY” below.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)

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Immutable Law: Marriage Is Not Your Vehicle for Happiness (or Misery)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Marriage is NOT your vehicle for happiness (or misery).Many people enter a marriage, assuming their marriage will make them happy.  Too many “Happily ever after movies,” perhaps.

You can have a happy marriage.  But a marriage is not THE path to happiness.  It can be a part of your happy life.  But that is up to you — not the marriage.

But nor is your marriage a vehicle for misery.

If you look to your marriage to make you happy, you violate this law.  If you blame your marriage for your misery, you violate the law.

Can marriage be a part of your happy life?  Absolutely.  Can you have a happy marriage?  Absolutely.  But your marriage should not hold responsibility for your happiness (or misery).

Let me clarify and tell you more on this week’s podcast.  Listen below.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE

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Immutable Law of Marriage: It’s About WE
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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We start a new series this week,Marriage is about becoming a WE. The Immutable Laws of Marriage.

The universe is ruled by laws. Our world is ruled by laws.  And these are not the ones enforced by a governmental agency.

These laws are more akin to, for example, gravity.  If you jump up, you come down, thanks to gravity.  When you trip, gravity takes over and you hit the floor.

You can momentarily escape the law of gravity.  For example, a trampoline can propel you up.  But that “escape” will still end with the law taking over.  The penalty of violation?  Hitting the ground again.

These immutable laws of marriage are like that.  You may violate the law for a bit.  But the violation will come back to bite you.  There will be a price to pay, if you continue trying to violate these laws.

This week, I cover the first law.  I believe it is also the most important.  And it is a law that most people don’t know or understand.  Violating this law may lead to failure of a marriage.  But at the very least, the marriage will not be as strong or satisfying as it could be.

The first law?  “Marriage Is About Becoming A WE.”

Listen below to learn how to abide by this law — and the dangers of violating it.

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