Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 37 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

5 Roadblocks to Communication (and How To Break Through)

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 16, 2016 November 3, 2016

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 16, 2016

Is communication an issue between you and your spouse? Do you find loving and effective communication lacking from your relationship?

In this week’s free audio podcast training, we discuss 5 roadblocks to loving and effective communication. One of my top Relationship Coaches, Annette Carpien, joins me to share her thoughts on the roadblocks.

And yes, we do discuss how to get past the roadblocks. We give you tools and understandings for how to smash through the roadblocks to create loving and effective communication with your spouse.

If you find the training helpful and would like to contact Annette, just CLICK HERE.

(And here is a bonus training on Communication for you.)

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3 Shifts From Fear To Love You Need To Make

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 9, 2016

Fear. It comes so easily. In fact, pretty much automatically.

Love. Ahh. A much better place for a relationship.

Reactivity, fear. Responsiveness, love. Where do you find yourself?

In this week’s free podcast audio training, we discuss the 3 shifts you came make from fear to love. I am joined by one of my top Relationship Coaches, Nina Potter for a discussion on these 3 shifts.

If you find your marriage is stuck in reactivity and fear, learn how to choose these shifts. You can get your marriage to make the shift to love and responsiveness.

Join us for this training. And if you are ready for a little training, email Nina RIGHT HERE.

Listen HERE for more training on escaping fear in your marriage.

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How Your Marriage Got Out of Shape

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 2, 2016

How did it happen? Your marriage, how did it get into trouble? Probably not overnight. Sure, you can point to a crisis — a fight, an “I’m not happy” talk, an affair discovered, divorce papers served. But that crisis didn’t just pop up.

Your marriage probably got out of shape over time.

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Marriage is NOT 50/50

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 26, 2016

Many marriages are ruined by 2 people, each wanting to put their fair share into it. “You put in your half, and I put in my half,” seems to be the thought. Sounds good. Fair. Equal.

And destined for disaster.

It makes sense, doesn’t it, to see things that way? Both people should be putting in their fair share, right?

The problem is it doesn’t take long for one or both to say, “You aren’t putting in your ‘fair share.'” Which is quickly followed with, “So, neither will I.”

This is a Balance Book Marriage. And it is destined for problems.

First, we often don’t notice what a spouse is putting in (and tend to exaggerate what we are putting in). So we are balancing against fiction.

Second, there are times when a spouse doesn’t have it to put in (life distractions, illnesses, etc.).

A better model is “All In.” Let’s talk about why (as we wrap up the Immutable Laws of Marriage Series).

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift
#12 Forgiveness Is Not A Blank Check
#13 Boundaries Protect A Marriage

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Boundaries Protect A Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 19, 2016

First line of an email last week:”I knew we were disconnected, but how did this happen?”

The level of connection in any marriage is likely to wax and wane. You will feel closer and more distant to your spouse to varying degrees over the lifetime of your marriage.

And no, that does not mean it is a slow d0wnhill slide to disconnection. There will be times when you just don’t feel it, and times when you can’t believe how connected you feel.

(My guess, if you are listening to this podcast, is that you are on the downswing of connection. If that is not the case, good for you in being proactive! But trust me, there will be those moments. . . .)

When the level of disconnection is higher, the relationship is at a higher risk. The risk may be for affairs or unhealthy distractions. Unless there are clear boundaries.

Boundaries protect a marriage. But what’s a boundary? How do you set them? Glad you asked. I discuss those issues in this week’s podcast episode. Take a listen below.

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Forgiveness is NOT a Blank Check

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 12, 2016

Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness. I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast.

And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving. “Every-day forgiving” and big-time forgiving. In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other’s feelings, make bad decisions — and still have to figure out how to move forward. You do that by forgiving.

BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the “forgiven” has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means “white card” or “blank card,” meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed? In other words, a “blank check.”)

When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do “it” (whatever the “it” is that causes the need for forgiveness). Forgiving is a decision to move forward. It may or may not include moving forward in relationship. But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened.

There is a saying that “the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice.” I would add, “the third time, on, it is a habit.” Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior.

Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior. It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change.

One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing). One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind.

Listen to the podcast below for more.

(. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:)

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Trust Is A Gift: Immutable Law of Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 5, 2016

A relationship is built on trust. A marriage can only thrive when it is built on trust. But trust is not just earned. It is given. Trust is really a gift.

A gift to be treasured, for sure.

Some people refuse to trust — refuse to give that gift. Others trust too easily, making it a very cheap gift.

Some treasure the gift. Others squander it.

When trust is lost, you can’t just “earn it back.” You have to be trustworthy. But at some point, the other person has to make a choice to give you the gift again.

Do you treasure your gift of trust? Both giving and receiving?

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Civility And Respect Is A Choice: Immutable Law Of Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 28, 2016

Too frequently, I have clients who treat me with great respect, being very civil. I keep thinking, “What a nice person.”

Then, their spouse comes in. Civility and respect are out the window. More often than not, both are equally uncivil and disrespectful. Unfortunately, neither seem to recognize that each has a choice. Civility and respect, both, are always a choice.

How about you? Do you choose to be civil? Do you choose to be respectful? (Regardless of your spouse’s actions!)

Civility and respect can be the foundation for building/rebuilding a strong marriage.

But you have to choose it.

Listen to this week’s podcast for more help on this.

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You HAVE To SHOW UP!: Immutable Law of Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 21, 2016

The body is there, but nobody’s home. That would describe many people when their spouse is talking. Or even when they are making love.

The shell is there. The person? Not so much. They are failing to “Show Up.” And they are violating an Immutable Law of Marriage. If you keep failing to show up, eventually, there will be no relationship to show up for!

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who forgot to show up? That hollow look, the lack of emotional connection, those missed facts. It doesn’t feel too good, does it?

Which raises the question: How often do WE fail to Show Up? I’m afraid I miss it more than I want. But can we show up MORE?

Absolutely.

Let’s talk about how.

And if you have missed the other episodes from the Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series, here they are:

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Look For The Best In Your Spouse: Immutable Law of Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 14, 2016

I was a bit surprised when he pulled out a list from his pocket. He told me it was a list of all the problems his spouse had. I was so surprised that it took me a minute to respond.

By then, he had already launched into his list. He had it categorized into “appearance,” “habits,” “issues,” and others I refused to listen to.

He was just getting ready to highlight each category when I said, “Where is the list of her great qualities? Where is the list of YOUR shortcomings? Where is the list of relationship strengths and weaknesses?”

If you are thinking, “What a jerk,” I caution you. Most of us have his list somewhere in our minds. We have a list of places where our spouse falls short, could improve, might want to consider.

That list is rarely (I would say “never,” but someone might prove me wrong) helpful. It is a critical (and probably not completely accurate) list that misses all those great qualities that attracted you in the first place.

To be clear, we ALL have places where we could learn, stretch, and grow. That is not the issue. The issue is that spouses often get caught up in looking at the shortcomings — and ignore those other areas.

What if we flipped it? What if we spent MOST of the time looking at the strengths and great qualities? What if we were to look to be supportive — not critical — and cheering our spouse on? What if we became the president of our spouse’s fan club? Not just a fan, but a raving fan?

We violate this Immutable Law of Marriage on a regular basis. Here’s how to fix it.

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