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Save Your Marriage Podcast

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4 Foundations Of A Forever Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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4 foundations of a forever marriage.I’ve asked the question many times:  “What is the foundation of a strong marriage?”

I usually get the same response:  “love.”

In your mind, please now hear the “Buzzzz” sound, indicating that answer is wrong!

Please understand:  I am not opposed to love.  I deeply love my wife.  I do not believe that a loveless marriage is the aim.

I simply do not believe that love is the foundation of a strong, enduring, lasting, forever marriage.

Here is why:  when love is seen as the foundation, you have nowhere to go when the feelings of love ebb.  Those feelings DO ebb in every relationship.  It is just the nature of such intimate relationships.

And, if you want the real secret, the 4 foundations, when followed, DO lead to love (both the action and the feeling).

What do I mean by “foundation?”  Over the weekend, my wife had HGTV on.  So, by default, I was “watching” the show (I will admit to nothing more than that!).

As is prone to happen on this particular show, they tore down the walls to rebuild — and discovered that things were amiss!  The foundation was failing and the house was sinking.

The foundation is what supports the rest of the structure.  Without a strong foundation, the structure of the house (and a marriage) begins to sink and crumble.  The stronger the foundation, the safer the structure (your relationship and your family).

Here is the good news:  when you understand the foundations, you can spot the weaknesses and either rebuild or reinforce.

Ready to discover the 4 foundations of your forever marriage?  Listen below.

Note:  I mention 2 interviews in the podcast.
HERE is the link to my interview with Gary Chapman.
HERE is the link to my interview with Bob Grant.

 

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What’s Your Why?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What's Your Why?I hear the same question over and over, “How do I save my marriage?”

It’s a great question.  But there is something else you need to ask first:  “What’s my why?”

In other words, WHY are you wanting to save your marriage?  This is the starting point.

That single question is fundamental to your process, whether you are watching your marriage teeter at the edge of destruction, or if you are just starting out.

When you ask yourself “Why?”, you will discover two types of reasons.

Of these two types, only one will move you forward.  The other type will fall away.

Yet most people are using this type of “why.”  Which is why those efforts often fall short — eventually, the efforts are abandoned.

When the other type is your reason, the motivation stays.  This type of “why” serves as a GPS for you through the difficult moments.  It tells you the direction to go, as you put together your “how,” your plan to save your marriage.

Listen below to learn how to discover the reason “why” you want to save your marriage, and then how to use that in your plan to save your marriage.

Ready to learn how?  Grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.

 

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4 Steps to Civility In Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Civility is the starting point for saving your marriage.Many times, I found myself just playing referee in my office.  The sparring match began when the couple sat down, and didn’t stop until they left.

It seemed that all I could do was ring the bell and end a round.  “Be civil,” I would tell them.

Then, the gloves would come off and they were sparring again.

“Be civil,” I would tell them, more emphatically, but still in my best therapist’s voice.

And still, they would go after each other.

One day, a man turned to me and said, “Is that all you can say? ‘Be civil?'”  I looked at him, and in my most “therapy” therapist voice said, “That would be a really good place to start.”

Being civil IS a great place to start, an excellent place to continue, and a terrific foundation to any relationship.

Here is the irony:  on a daily basis, we are civil to many, many people — some we probably don’t even like!

And then, to the one most important person in our lives — our spouse — we let it fly!  Civility is out the window.

Let’s decide, together, that as a foundation, civility is a great starting point.

Here are 4 steps to bringing more civility into your marriage — regardless of the conflict level right now.

 

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End Your Controlling Behavior (before it ends your marriage)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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End your controlling behavior, before it ends your marriage!Yet another email:  “My spouse is leaving me because my spouse is tired of my controlling behavior.  I didn’t know I was!  Help!”

Sometimes, the email tells me one thing different:  the person knew he/she was controlling — but thought it was OK.

It isn’t.

Controlling behavior is yet another dynamic that erodes the connection of any relationship — but is amplified in marriage.

Some people recognize they are controlling (and even brag a bit about it), and others simply don’t notice.

And for every person who is actively controlling, someone else has to be controlled.  These two roles are allowed and accepted by both.  And in the process, the foundation of the marriage is slowly crumbled.

Here’s the problem:  controlling behavior impinges on the freedom of choice of someone else; it undermines the judgement and thoughts of one person, while elevating another person’s actions and thoughts.

Sadly, many people miss the underlying cause of controlling behavior.  Instead, they feed the behavior and allow it more power.  In the process, they create a cycle of continually more and more controlling behavior.  At some point, a spouse decides enough is enough.

Don’t get to that point!  Learn how to step back from being controlling.

 

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“I’ve Changed” And 3 Other Things NOT To Say
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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4 things NOT to say.It can be frustrating.  You are trying hard to change yourself.  You are learning about yourself and relationships.  You are growing and know you are NOT like you were.

But your spouse doesn’t seem to notice.  In fact, your spouse keeps on reacting to the OLD you, even while the NEW you is doing something different.

You want to SCREAM:  “I’VE CHANGED!!!”

Don’t.

And while you are NOT saying that, don’t ask: “Why don’t you love me?”, “What did I do?”, or say “Please don’t leave!”

Want to know why?  Want to know what to do, instead?

I discuss this on the Save The Marriage Podcast this week.

Listen below.

 

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The Ghosts of Relationship Past: #71 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Is your marriage haunted by the Ghosts of Relationship Past?The past can hold you hostage.  The “ghosts” of the past can hold your marriage hostage.

Sit back and let me share a story with you.  It’s Christmas Eve.  Chris and Holly are trying to sleep.

They can’t.  Their disconnection has never felt worse.  Isn’t it that time of year for love and family?  Songs sing of love and warmth.

Instead, Holly and Chris only feel bitterness and cold.

The stockings are hung, the presents are wrapped.  Night has come, but not sleep.

Every day, Holly and Chris feel haunted by what “should be,” and the reality of “what is.”

Can anything change?  Can anything be better?

Chris and Holly, terrified!Tonight, Chris and Holly are haunted.  Not by their thoughts, but by the Ghosts of Relationship Past.  These apparitions have important lessons to learn.

Will Chris and Holly learn before it is too late?  Listen below to find out.  (If you would rather read, you can find the article at YourTango right here.)

Want more help on Forgiveness?  Check out this Audio.

Want more on connection?  Check out this Resource.

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2 Necessary Feelings and 3 Ways You Hurt Them: #70 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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2 necessary feelings: wanted and accepted.Feelings.  We all have them.

Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings.  And we try to get away from those feelings.

In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel.  So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way.

Unfortunately, that “something” is more a “someone,” the spouse.

Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away?

There are 2 primary feelings that must be in a strong relationship.  The opposite of those feelings tend to push couples apart.

Those 2 feelings?

  1. Feeling wanted.
  2. Feeling accepted.

You may not feel wanted or accepted.  If you are working on saving and improving your relationship, let me suggest you set that aside for now.  Focus on how you can help your spouse feel wanted and accepted.

In this week’s podcast, I talk about these feelings (and their opposites) and 3 ways you may be hurting those feelings for your spouse.

Join me as we explore these 2 necessary feelings and 3 ways we hurt those feelings.

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“Give It To Me Straight, Doc. Can This Be Saved?” #69 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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“Can my marriage be saved?”  That question is echoed in email after email, voicemail after voicemail, and conversation after conversation.

“Just give it to me straight,” Jerry told me.  He was more direct than others.  “I know you are supposed to say, ‘Of course it can,’ but do I have a chance?”

To be clear, I am not supposed to say anything.  Most people tell me I can be a bit too direct.  So, I never pad my response.  The problem is, I cannot tell, with 100% accuracy, whether a marriage is going to turn around.

You see, I have no way of predicting whether Jerry will carry through with his plan — whether he will react, in a moment of weakness, and fall short; or whether he will simply NOT act.

Also, I have no way of predicting how Jerry’s spouse will respond to Jerry’s plan.

But, as I told Jerry, I do know this:  if he does not act, I can guarantee the marriage will continue to crumble.  And most crumbled marriages end.

There are very few guarantees in life (other than taxes and death).  So, I can’t guarantee.

So, how do we raise the odds?  How do we get things moving toward the potential of a saved and restored marriage?

That’s my topic in today’s podcast.  I offer some reasons why things can be more complicated.  And I give you some direction on how to move forward.

After listening, if you are ready to get started, Here Is My Save The Marriage System.

If you have already started with my System, but are ready to take your efforts to the next level, email me about my Virtual Coaching Program.

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Love Languages and Marriage: An Interview with Dr. Gary Chapman
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Maybe languages just aren’t my thing.

In high school, I took French.  I switched to Spanish in college.  But my grades weren’t where I thought they should be (foolish me!).  So, I tried out Latin.  THAT was a massive failure!  And since I needed to make it to a literature class before graduating, I went back to French. . . and stumbled through it.

Then, graduate school.  In my Master’s program, the Seminary required Hebrew and Greek.  Youch!  Even the letters were unrecognizable!  In fact I made a deal with my Hebrew teacher.  I promised that if he passed me, I would NEVER use Hebrew, or even admit he had been my professor.

Okay, I DID master a computer language in high school:  BASIC.  That was long before Al Gore (or anyone else) invented the internet.  But I did get that one down (and it is long gone from my brain!).

So, suffice it to say I am now illiterate in 5 languages!

But love languages.  That is a different thing!

Dr. Gary Chapman

Dr. Gary Chapman

There are very few books that I recommend without reservation or explanation.  One such book is The 5 Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Dr. Chapman’s idea is elegantly simple, easily grasped, and very implementable.  All elements of a useful resource!

Over and over, I have referred people to Gary’s best-selling book (over 11 million copies sold around the world).  And I even reference his material in my Save The Marriage System.

So, I decided it was time to sit down and chat with Gary.  I wanted HIM to explain his concepts to you.  And I wanted US to discuss how his ideas can radically transform (and even save) your relationship.

But more than that, I wanted to discuss how Dr. Chapman’s ideas apply to all relationships:  family, parenting, work, friends, and spouses.

What finally “lit the fire” for me was a conversation with my daughter.  I discovered that she had been taught about the 5 love languages at college.

What I discovered was a kind, warm, gentle, and insightful person in Dr. Chapman.

As you will hear, Dr. Chapman has a background in anthropology.  He also trained as a religious educator, and received his Ph.D..  Dr. Chapman discovered, in his early days of ministry, the deep need for healing in families.  So, Gary shifted his focus to counseling.

The 5 Love Languages CoverAnd it was “in the trenches” that Dr. Chapman realized how many people were feeling unloved by spouses desperately trying to show love.  Upon looking over his notes, he saw their were 5 categories, languages, of love — ways people understand, feel, and show love.  In our interview, Dr. Chapman covers each one.  But here is a list:

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Quality Time
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

(If you are trying to decide on your love language, you can take the quiz at 5LoveLanguages.com )

Listen in as Dr. Chapman and I discuss these 5 love languages.

Toward the end of our conversation, Gary and I discuss a Marriage Experiment.  You will hear us discuss it at length, but I want to invite you to take on the experiment.

Gary and I have created a document that will walk you through the entire process.

Click Here
Grab The Marriage Experiment
Thank you for your interest in trying The Marriage Experiment. We just want to know where to send the information. Please give us your best email and we will send it right over.
CLICK HERE TO GRAB THE MARRIAGE EXPERIMENT GUIDE.[/wpob id="1"]

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How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage (Thanksgiving Message)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Happy Thanksgiving!Thanksgiving Day, in the United States, is upon us.  The day we turn our attention to “thanks” and “gratitude.”

What does that have to do with your marriage?

LOTS.

Gratitude can transform your marriage.

I discovered this a few years back, when I gave a couple an exercise that transformed their view of each other.

Gratitude is the language of connection and friendship.

Criticism is the enemy of connection, and the opposite of gratitude.

Learn how you can integrate practices of gratitude into your own life and into your relationship.

Wishing you a meaningful Thanksgiving, wherever you are!

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