Save Your Marriage Podcast

Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative.  Why don’t they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative?

Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage.  A spouse’s thoughts just stay on the negative.  Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then.  (Memories are just current thoughts about past events — not accurate representations of the past.)

Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode.

If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let’s look at the reasons it happens… and what you can do about it!

RELATED RESOURCES
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs)
How’s Your Attitude?
Hope and Stockdale Paradox
Where To Focus
“The Last Straw”
Going Pro
Program: Save The Marriage

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“A” has been trying to set boundaries with her husband.  Trying to get the treatment she deserves.  Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot.

But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way… rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone.  What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks

In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names.  But what about those less-clear actions — using a “you’re so stupid” tone (note that this requires you to read a tone… not always a good thing to try).

Sometimes, boundaries are clear.  You know how to set them.  I even have a whole chapter on it in the primary module of Save The Marriage System.

But when it is more subtle… a little harder to pin down.  And a little harder to call someone on.  What about that?

I cover it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Setting Boundaries
Boundaries and Control
Healing Hurt
Expectations and Agreements
Conflict
Save The Marriage System

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Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right?

Not so fast.

Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution.

So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Don’t Convince
Working on Connection
Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Save The Marriage System

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There is a paradox I have seen over and over again.  And it threatens a marriage.  The expectations can sure get in the way.  But it seems to be the inverse correlation with attention that really causes a problem.  Here is a video to tell you more:

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd.”

What a loss!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Gratitude and Marriage
How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage
Ghosts of Marriage Past
Holidays and Marriage
Save The Marriage System

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People make mistakes every day — all through life.

And people ABSOLUTELY make mistakes when they are trying to save their marriage!

That shouldn’t be a surprise.  First, most people don’t really know what TO do… so they aren’t sure what NOT to do.  Second, your emotions are running wild.

That combo is a recipe for disaster.

Does making a mistake ruin your chances?

Nope.

But it does make the work harder, the climb steeper.

Which is why I just made a video for you, so you can avoid 5 common mistakes people make.

Here is the video for you:

Sounds so philosophical, doesn’t it?  Your “created past.”  What is that?

We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.

When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.

We rewrite the past, based on the present situation.  Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been.

If you are wondering why your spouse can’t remember the happier times, can’t remember the passion, can’t remember the connection, this is it.  The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.

Let’s talk more about this in the podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Connection And Marriage
Perceptions In Marriage
Fears In Marriage
Restore Your Marriage

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Phil asked, “How do you know you are making progress?”  And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, “how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me.”

Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions.  They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship.  What to look for?  And what to do if those signs are not there?

This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball… or asking the magic mirror.  But these are such important questions that I wanted to answer Phil’s questions… at least as much as I can.  There are lots of dynamics and subtleties to a marriage and a spouse, it can be hard to be precise.

But I want to discuss some signs to look for, both in when there is progress and when it is becoming unhealthy.

Listen in for details in this episode of the podcast.

RELATED RESOURCES
Confusion or Connection
Showing Up
Having a Plan
Spouse Is NOT The Enemy
Save The Marriage System to Guide You

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You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn’t be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don’t.

I mean, let’s face it:  most people don’t do a lot to prepare to be married.  Maybe a little pre-marital counseling.  Perhaps a weekend event.  Or maybe you read a book.  But that doesn’t really cut it, does it?  Most people find that out when they hit a problem.

They often discover that they didn’t really understand how to have a good marriage, much less how to fix a hurting marriage.  But we can change that!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you 3 steps you can take, with or without your spouse’s involvement, that can start the process to saving and restoring your marriage.

No, they aren’t hard, nor complicated.  They are, however, important.  So listen in and take action.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Why Communication Isn’t The Issue
Why Connection Matters
How Therapy Can Cause MORE Problems
Why You Need A Plan
Here is the Save The Marriage System

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We all have limiting beliefs.  You… me… and your spouse!  I always work to change my limiting beliefs.  You are probably doing the same.  But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief?  It is a mostly-FALSE belief.  But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities.  Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward.  So, they stay stuck.  And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what to do when your spouse’s belief is “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.”  I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Survival Series
What Happy Couples Know
Showing Up
Save The Marriage System

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