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“I Want to Save My Marriage” Q & A

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg January 20, 2021 January 19, 2021

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 20, 2021

In previous podcast episodes, I have answered questions submitted by listeners. In fact, I still do. You can email your questions by clicking here. But since this podcast goes to listeners around the world, submitted questions need to be a) applicable to others, and b) not so broad that it is impossible to answer in a simple episode.

But then, there are the short questions. Both in the question and the needed response. So, in this episode, I round up the short questions, so I can address them all.

All of them, though, started with this:
“I want to save my marriage!”

Most of the questions demonstrated the beginning point of learning… not even knowing the question to ask, but knowing what you want. The senders knew they wanted to save their marriage, but weren’t sure even where to start and what to ask.

But here is the important thing: the questions still apply to you, whether you are at the same point or further along. Listen in to hear my response to questions like where to start, what about some tricks/hints, what to do if a spouse isn’t interested, what a plan might look like, how long this process might help, and what to do now.

Listen below.

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From Apology to Reconciling

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 13, 2021

You have already journeyed to here. Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain. Maybe your connection has gone cold. But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different.

Somewhere better.

It may seem cliche, but it is a journey. And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way.

Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love.

Those four big stops?

Apology
Forgiving
Trusting
Reconciling

Many assume that one follows the other, just points along the road. But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another. You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order.

In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate. They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops.

Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Staying in the Game

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 6, 2021

You might feel like “tapping out,” or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away.

It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse. You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship. But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.

How do you “stay in the game?”

Partly, it is mental. But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward. Let me share some strategies on how to “Stay in the Game” in this week’s podcast.

Listen below.

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What’s Your Plan?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 30, 2020

We are about to turn the page on the calendar. For me, that means a look forward. What will the new year hold? What will I bring into the new year? Either it happens to you or you make it happen.

So what will we make happen?

I just finished doing some research with people who have used my System, been clients, or in my programs. They divided into two groups: those who succeeded in saving their marriage, and those who failed.

My task was to determine what made the difference. They all had the basic information from me on what went wrong and what needs to happen to make it right. So, what made the difference above the basic information? What, beyond my System, made a difference?

As it turned out, there were 5 key factors. I shared the full research with my VIP members last week. But one piece reigned supreme. In fact, it made the other 4 work.

The key factor??

A plan.

I discuss what that is all about in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below to understand more about the plan, and how to have a SMART plan.

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Ghosts of Relationship Past

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 23, 2020

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is:

Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads.

Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past. Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure.

What happened? Where did their relationship fall into trouble?

Can they find their way back?

First, they will have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night.

Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship? Is there a path through the pain?

Listen in below as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.

NEED MORE HELP? GRAB THE SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM RIGHT HERE

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Caught In A Triangle

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 16, 2020

Basic geometry, right? The triangle? Just three points and three lines connecting. Simple. A building block for geometric shapes of all kinds.

And yet, in the context of relationships… it is detrimental. Not a building block at all. In fact, it undermines relationships.

Yet, we find ourselves caught in triangles all the time. Or more accurately, we are caught in triangles all the time. We may not find ourselves, though, unless we know what to look for.

During the last couple of weeks, I have been providing some deep training for my Virtual Intensive Program members about the Dysfunctional Triangle, the roles involved, how it works, why it is so destructive, and how to escape.

That information is just too deep and in-depth to provide in a podcast. But I did want to give you the basic concept of a triangle, so you can identify it.

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“I Saved My Marriage!”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 9, 2020

Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.

When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.

And things continue in the downward spiral.

So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination — a little Jedi mind trick. Imagine that you DID save your marriage. You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage. You look forward to spending time together. Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively.

Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage. You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward — even in the face of frustration and difficulties.

In today’s podcast, we reflect on “what you did” to save your marriage — and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that: Save Your Marriage.

Listen below.

(and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)

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Rewriting the Past

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 2, 2020

Sounds so philosophical, doesn’t it? Your “created past.” What is that?

We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.

When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.

We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been.

If you are wondering why your spouse can’t remember the happier times, can’t remember the passion, can’t remember the connection, this is it. The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.

Let’s talk more about this in the podcast below:

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Marriage Lie #5: Your Spouse Should Make You Happy

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 25, 2020

You were probably very happy when you got married. You believed the happiness would always be there. And now, your spouse is saying, “I’m not happy.” Embedded in that seems to be some idea that you are the cause of it. That you failed at keeping your spouse happy.

No surprise. Many people fall for this lie. They don’t know it is a lie. They believe it. That a spouse should make you happy.

Somehow, it is in the job description for a spouse. They should make you happy.

There is only one (little) problem with this… it is impossible!

You can’t make your spouse happy. And your spouse can’t make you happy.

Sure, you can certainly make each other miserable. But happy? Nope. Not possible.

Even if you thought you made each other happy before. Sure, you may have been happy. And your relationship may have seemed to be a source of joy. But your spouse couldn’t and didn’t make you happy (nor could/did you make your spouse happy).

It is an impossibility. But it is one of the major lies people believe about marriage.

Which is why people are in trouble when they realize that a spouse is not making them happy. Instead of seeing it for what it is… a lie… they think it is a failure of the spouse — even of the marriage! Proof that the marriage is headed for failure.

Except, it was all a lie. Not the marriage! The belief that a spouse would make you happy (and vice versa).

Don’t believe the lie! Learn the truth in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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Marriage Lie #4: Marriage is 50 / 50

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 18, 2020

Equal partnership. That is what a marriage is about, when it is healthy. Right?

Right??

Nope. Just another marriage lie.

Oh, not on purpose! Nope, these marriage lies are not intentional. Just not true. Unfortunately, as people repeat them, they believe them. And those beliefs have consequence. They can eat away at the foundations of a marriage, simply because the lie is believed. So, actions are taken on a false belief.

For example, with this lie… if you believe that marriage is 50/50, an equal partnership… and you decide your spouse is not putting in their 50, then you have reason for upset. Reason for demands. Reason for feeling taken advantage of.

Here is the TL;DR: marriage is NOT 50/50. It is all in/all in.

But to understand more about why marriage is not 50/50… and to discover what it really is… and how that changes things, listen to the episode below.

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