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When You Can’t Make Your Spouse Happy

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 2, 2020 August 31, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 2, 2020

Many a marriage crisis emerges when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy.” It is really a statement about discontent with the relationship.

But many respond by assuming they now know what they need to do: make their spouse happy.

Which sets in motion an impossible task: making another human happy.

Why won’t it work? Why can’t you make your spouse happy?

Because a) it isn’t your responsibility, and b) it isn’t in your control.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I dive in on why your efforts to make your spouse happy will fail. We discuss what you can control and what you can’t. And I give you four places to shift your focus, so that you can make progress in your efforts.

Listen below to learn why you can’t make your spouse happy… and what to do, instead.

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FACT of Your Crisis: How to Face Your Crisis and Move Forward

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 26, 2020

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.

But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.

Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.”

But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point. Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks. And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.

When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.

And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT. We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.

Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.

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How Steep is the Climb?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 19, 2020

“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started. The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though. The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems. I didn’t know what she was facing.

When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out. There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged. I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution. My neighbor friend got the book. My neighbor followed the guide. And that cube was, sure enough, solved. Mixed up cube, follow the solution, solved cube. Easy-peesy.

Let’s just say that your marriage is NOT like that rubik’s cube. There are some reasons why your efforts might be harder (or easier) than someone else’s. In fact, there are 3 major complicators to saving your marriage.

Before jumping in to save your marriage, you want to be clear about the complicators — the obstacles — on your path. They make a difference in what you do, how you do it, and how much effort is required.

Listen below to find out how steep your climb is, due to the 3 obstacles.

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Love and Respect: An Interview with Emerson Eggerichs

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 12, 2020

“What’s love got to do with it??” “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what that means to me!” Tina Turner calls for love, and Aretha Franklin calls out for respect. But what is the connection between love and respect?

Emerson Eggerichs is the author of the book, Love and Respect. As you can tell from the title, Emerson is addressing just that issue.

In his work with couples, Eggerichs kept noticing the cries for respect by men and the cries for love by women. He realized that while we all need love and respect, men tend to need respect more than love, and women need love more than respect (generally speaking).

Here is the problem: men show respect, which can feel unloving; and women show love, which can feel disrespectful. In the end, couples feel unloved and disrespected, creating what Emerson refers to as the Crazy Cycle. And in the process, the marriage keeps spiraling.

The good news is that the cycle can be changed. Love and respect can be restored. And intimacy can return. But only when you understand the dynamics that are fueling the Crazy Cycle.

A while back, I had the opportunity to sit down with Emerson Eggerichs and discuss his ideas about love and respect. While originally, it was for another program, this is important for you to hear. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I let you in on this important interview.

Listen below.

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How Fear Hijacks Your Marriage: Poly Vagal Theory

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 5, 2020

Your ancestors, way, way back, survived because they were more fearful than their peers. Because of their fear, they survived, while the less fearful fell to threats. Over time, this means that we naturally inherited overly-developed fear responses.

It doesn’t take much to trigger fear and anxiety. Your heart races, your breathing quickens, your voice tightens, and your muscles flex, waiting for the fight or the flight. Waiting to take on the threat or get away from the threat.

That’s an important skill on the savannah or in the jungle. It even has some applicability for cities and in the woods. But it is less helpful in your workplace. And even less helpful in your love relationships.

We can quickly go from zero to 100, even when there really is no threat… just a trigger to your threat response.

How can you understand this? How would a deeper understanding of this fight/flight response help?

First, you can recognize when the threat response is triggered. Second, there are ways to more quickly de-threat your body, when you recognize it is not a necessary response.

In recent years, the Poly Vagal Theory has gained credibility and usefulness. And that is the topic for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I had the good fortune of interviewing Deb Dana, an expert on the theory (and a skilled clinician in applying it in therapy) for another program I created, but wanted to share it with you.

If you have experienced the fight/flight response with your spouse, finding yourself trapped in a quickly escalating and rapidly disintegrating communication pattern, pay attention.

If you feel the threat feelings when you know it shouldn’t feel threatening, you need to pay attention.

Listen below.

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How to Get the Love You Want

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 29, 2020

Why did you fall in love with your spouse? Why do people fall in love with the person they fall in love?

And perhaps even more importantly for our time together, why do those same relationships cause such pain? How can love turn painful and hurtful?

Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt have been on the forefront of helping hurting marriages for decades. In 1988, their seminal book, Getting The Love You Want, came out to great acclaim. It was an international best-seller.

In that book (now revised), Harville and Helen reveal their Imago Theory of why we fall in love, and why it can either be hurtful or healing. They also provide exercises for couples to explore their own Imago relating, to help with healing and health.

Some time ago, Harville and Helen gave me some of their time to share their thoughts and direction on how to create a loving relationship. This interview was originally part of a special program. But I decided to share it with you, because of the powerful information they shared.

Listen below to discover how understanding your Imago and help heal your marriage.

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Why These Approaches Are Dangerous (2 to avoid)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 22, 2020

I just googled, “how to save your marriage.” There were 607,000,000. Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?

It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.

And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even approach it?

I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed. And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff. I remember when Google started. That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results. Still a lot. But far more manageable.

With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm. Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start. Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing. And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good. There are two that are particularly prevalent. And at best, not helpful.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below.

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How to be the Bigger Victim

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 15, 2020

Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.

Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.

Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can. But their spouse….

It is quite a game. Not one that either person is enjoying. Yet both are playing.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it. Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to. That game ends with 3 losers: You, your spouse, and your marriage.

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What CAN One Person Do?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 8, 2020

Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it?

I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it.

But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married?

I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone? This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out. This is not accurate. And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don’t. They walk away in defeat.

So, what CAN you do? First, I tackle what you CAN’T do. Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now).

Listen below.

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Escaping the Attraction – breaking free from the affair partner

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 1, 2020

Another listener question is the topic of this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. The question focuses on an affair… and leaving it. What do you do about the strong attraction that can develop with the affair partner?

What if your brain is telling you the feelings are real… and if they are there, maybe it was meant to be? What if you keep wondering if the affair partner is your “soulmate,” and you messed up with marrying your spouse?

Or what if these are the questions of your spouse? That your spouse is trying to break free, but keeps falling back into the thoughts (and arms) of the affair partner?

How do you break free?

Can you break free?

You can. And your marriage can be filled with the connection you were missing.

How?

Listen in to this week’s episode below.

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