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Separation: Can It Save Your Marriage (Or Cost You A Marriage)?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg July 15, 2015 July 6, 2015

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 15, 2015

You want to save your marriage. Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it. That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.

And so, I often have the question asked, “Should we separate? Will a separation save my marriage?”

Can a separation save a marriage?

Short answer: yes, it can.

Longer answer: a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely. And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction.

Fairly recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced. In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce.

I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage. It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help.

But here is the thing: if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution. And yes, you can find “fans” of separation. There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage.

Those people are ignoring the statistics.

They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict.

But are there better solutions? Absolutely. Here is one.

In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic — so that you understand that. I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort. Listen below for help with separation.

RESOURCES:
Article on Separating
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)

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Where DID Those Feelings Go?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 8, 2015

Maybe your spouse said it. Or maybe you’re feeling it: those feelings just aren’t there.

No tingles, no butterflies, no desires. Is it you? Is it your spouse? Were they ever there?

Those feelings of attraction and romance are not well understood by most people. So, when they aren’t there (or are at least in short supply), many believe it to be an indication that the relationship is wrong, destined for failure, or maybe permanently broken.

There are 5 root causes of why those feelings might be missing. The bad news is that there is nothing you can do about 1. The good news is you have a choice about the other 4.

Learn what happens to those feelings. But more importantly, discover what to do about it.

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Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Will Change (And What To Do About It)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 1, 2015

You have arrived at that point. You know you are not doing all you can and being all you can be. It is time for a change.

Perhaps with hat in hand, you sit down with your spouse and let your spouse know, in your most sincere and concerned voice, that you know you have fallen short. You know you can do better. . . and you promise to change.

What you expected was a spouse who is supportive and hopeful, smiling at you, and proud of your efforts.

What you get, instead, is anger and frustration. Maybe it is the silent treatment. Or maybe it is yelling. Through clenched teeth, you may hear your spouse say, “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.” Or maybe, “We’ll just see about that.”

Why?

You feel shot down. Maybe hopeless. That did not play out the way you thought it would.

Why?

Don’t blame your spouse. Choose to fix it. Choose to make the change.

Here is what to do, when your spouse doesn’t believe you will change.

RELATED HELP AND RESOURCES:
Show Up
Connect
The System
Virtual Coaching

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Am I Trying To Brainwash You? (An Open Letter)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 24, 2015

I admit I was a magician in my younger years. But I never did much with mental magic (tricks that make you think I am reading your mind). And I never really got into hypnosis (although I do love a good performing hypnotist – nothing like a person barking on stage!).

Which is why it cracks me up when people have accused me of trying to brainwash their spouse.

I used to deny it. Swear that I was doing nothing to brainwash, hypnotize, or manipulate anyone (or their spouse).

But I gave up.

So, today, I have a confession. Yes, guilty as charged, I am trying to brainwash your spouse. But you may just like what I am doing! (Or you may not, if you don’t believe in commitment, growth, security, concern for family — things like that.)

Here is my confession — for anyone and their spouse that is concerned I am “brainwashing.” (And trust me when I tell you that you seriously overestimate my skills on that one!)

My confession is below:
(And if you are interested in the book I mention, here is the link: http://savethemarriage.com/book)

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How To TRULY Change

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 17, 2015

Life is change. Relationships change, we change, the world around us changes.

Yet, for the most part, we humans resist change.

Let’s assume you have now listened to my series on What Happy Couples Do Differently. Let’s further assume that you think it might be even a good idea to move in that direction.

That does raise the question of how to change. You’ve already decided to change.

So, for the next couple of weeks, lets talk about this change.

Real change.

Not just making it look like you are changing. But truly changing.

That change starts from the inside, and works outward. The level of change we are talking about is changing your beliefs, your paradigm, your understanding of the world.

Are you ready?

If you are, let me invite you to learn about my KNAC Protocol of Change. This protocol describes the 3 arenas of change, and how each one builds to a real change.

Listen in on the podcast as I describe the KNAC Protocol and how to begin the process of change.

Resources Referenced:
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 1: Conflict
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 2: Connection
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 3: Companionship
The Save The Marriage System

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How To Move From Shake-Up To Make-Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 9, 2015

Life is going along. Everything seems to be fine. But under the surface, things are not good. You just didn’t know it yet.

Then comes the “shake-up.” You discover things are not going well. Your spouse is unhappy, frustrated, and angry with the situation.

From here, I can predict the direction. At a certain point, you will have to choose whether things continue to spiral toward break-up, or if you will move to make-up.

There are a number of danger points and mistakes along the way.

Can I tell you about the path in front of you, and how to avoid the pitfalls?

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11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Companionship (part 3)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 3, 2015

Happy couples are no different than unhappy couples. They have similar backgrounds, same jobs, same income levels, and same interests.

But they do some things differently. And those differences in how they do conflict, connection, and companionship, make all the difference.

Changes in action lead to changes in trajectory. That leads to changes in outcome.

But what if you could extrapolate those differences, and add them into YOUR relationship.

Well, for the past three episodes, that is what we have been doing.

In the first episode, we looked at how happy couples do conflict differently.

In the second episode, we looked at how happy couples connect with each other differently.

In this week’s episode, we turn to how happy couples treat each other differently, as individuals. This is about how they treasure their companion and protect their relationship.

Successful couples see themselves as a team, a unit, a WE (as I call it). But that WE is made up of two individuals. Those two individuals create the strongest WE when they are strong, themselves. When they develop and grow, the bring that growth and energy into the relationship.

More than that, happy couples create and maintain boundaries around their relationship. They protect and treasure the relationship. They support and treasure each other.

Learn how happy couples treat their companionship in this week’s podcast episode.

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11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Connection (part 2)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 27, 2015

Success leaves a trail. If you want more of something, take a look at those who have what you want.

In this podcast series, we are examining what happy couples do differently than other couples.

Last week, we looked at how happy couples deal with conflict differently.

This week, we examine five ways happy couples connect differently than other couples.

Connection is the lifeblood of a marriage. Without that sense of connection, the relationship atrophies and begins to die.

But there are a group of couples that have learned to stay connected, and build their connection. Learn their secrets in this week’s podcast episode.

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11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Conflict (part 1)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 20, 2015

This week, we start a series on what happy couples do differently than other couples.

Success leaves a trail. Experts have been saying this for decades. If you want to get somewhere, look at people who have gotten there. What do they do differently? How have they managed to get themselves there?

Happy couples are not special. They are no better trained than other couples. They don’t have some special “coupling” gene. They don’t come from better homes. They aren’t “relationship geniuses.”

In fact, they are like all the other couples — except they do some things differently. And those differences result in happy relationships.

So, what are those differences? They are the focus of this series of free audios.

Over the course of the next three podcasts, we will examine 11 things happy couples do differently.

By taking a look at those 11 things, you can see the path. You can see the trail. And you can follow their map.

Over the years, I have noticed a truth: 100% of couples have struggles. Around 50% find a way to work through those struggles. But that doesn’t mean that 50% of couples are happy. Only that they have chosen to stay together.

Couples really fall into 3 categories:

Decide to bail because of the difficulties.
Decide to “hang in there,” and just be miserable.
Decide to learn from the struggles, grow, and build a great relationship.

This series is focused on how couples get to category 3. This is not about “sticking it out,” nor is it about bailing, hoping to find a better option. It is about building a great relationship, where you are and with your spouse.

In this episode, we take a look at 3 ways happy couples deal with conflict differently. Learn their secrets and apply it to your relationship.

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The Bonding Code with Bob Grant

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 13, 2015

Did you know there is a science to bonding?

“Bonding” is what happens when people arrive at the place where they are so connected that they want to be together forever.

Here’s the problem: many people think they have successfully bonded — but they aren’t! The proof is how many marriages get into trouble.

But there is a pattern, a path, a code to bonding. And while you may not navigate each stage, you will pay the price later on. The bond won’t hold.

Sometimes, I try to use Crazy Glue. You know that stuff that is supposed to hold something together forever? Well, in my experience, it doesn’t work — or should I say, I don’t get it to work!

I have to make a confession: I don’t really follow the directions. They are there on the container. You are supposed to clean and prep each side, place some on each side, hold them together, blah, blah, blah.

You see that “blah, blah, blah?” We do the same thing with relationships. Yes, there is a science, and yes, there is a path. But instead of following it, a couple says, “We’ve got this. We know how to do it.”

Strangely, since they have never done it before, I am not sure why they think they “have it.” No surprise that down the road, there is trouble. The “bond” doesn’t hold the two together.

Can it be fixed?

Yes.

Rebonding is possible. But if you are working on re-bonding, maybe it is time to follow the instructions.

Join me, as I interview relationship expert, Bob Grant, on The Bonding Code.

We discuss the process of bonding, and what to do when that process is in trouble.

RESOURCES:
The Bonding Code
Podcast Episode: The Truth About Attraction

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