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5 Ways Your Hurt and Pain Keep You Stuck

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg August 5, 2015 July 27, 2015

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 5, 2015

“James” and “Tina” are like many people who have contacted me over the years.

James and his wife had been struggling for years. Arguments, fights, and conflicts had cut into their love for each other.

While James believed there was still love there, he knew it was buried deep for both of them. James spent lots of time licking his wounds, remembering the struggles — and usually seeing that he had been “done wrong.”

He contacted me because James didn’t want to end his marriage. But he didn’t know what to do. He was stuck.

Tina’s husband just left one day. They had not been fighting. Really, neither had ever been much on arguing.

On his way out the door, Tina’s husband said, “I just don’t feel anything. I need to clear my mind and see what comes up.” And he was gone.

Tina was devastated. What had she done? Why had she been abandoned? Tina wrote to say, “I don’t want a divorce. But I didn’t do this. Why should I have to do anything?”

Pain and hurt. We avoid those feelings, but they still come to us. That’s a part of life.

But sometimes, the pain and hurt can keep us stuck. Ironically, when pain or hurt keeps you stuck, you generally only get more pain and hurt. In other words, the “stuck” just keeps us in a cycle of getting more of what we want to avoid.

Is there another option?

Let’s discuss why pain and hurt keep you stuck and the games you play because of the hurt. Then, let’s discuss a way to get un-stuck.

Listen below.

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What Game Are You Playing?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 29, 2015

We all have hidden agendas. We all play games. And these are not “fun” games. They are mental games.

The problem is, in every game, every hidden agenda, every ulterior motive, there is manipulation and indirectness.

It may work for salespeople, attorneys, and politicians. But it rarely works for spouses and friends.

When someone is playing a mental game, our “BS” meter becomes hypersensitive. Something is just not quite right, just a little off.

And because of that, we lose trust.

What is YOUR game? What is the hidden agenda? What is the ulterior motive?

Don’t get tripped up by playing those games.

Learn what to do. And what NOT to do. . . .

Additional Resources:
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program

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Don’t Wait For Confidence. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 22, 2015

Several times a week, I get an email or a phone call with the same question, “I want to save my marriage, but can I do it? I don’t want to try unless I know I can.”

In other words, “I don’t have confidence, and until I do, I don’t want to take action.”

I consistently answer the same way: “Confidence is the wrong place to start. Confidence is not the starting point.

Fear grips everyone. Here and there, we all find ourselves caught by fear, seemingly unable to move, feeling unable to act.

If you know that feeling, I want to let you in on a little secret: confidence is NOT the starting point. It is part of a cycle. But waiting for confidence will be a long wait — it may never come. Unless you decide to take action, follow the cycle, and get to the point of confidence.

So, what are the steps toward confidence? Listen to learn the “confidence cycle,” and why NOT to wait for it to get started!

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Separation: Can It Save Your Marriage (Or Cost You A Marriage)?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 15, 2015

You want to save your marriage. Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it. That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.

And so, I often have the question asked, “Should we separate? Will a separation save my marriage?”

Can a separation save a marriage?

Short answer: yes, it can.

Longer answer: a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely. And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction.

Fairly recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced. In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce.

I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage. It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help.

But here is the thing: if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution. And yes, you can find “fans” of separation. There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage.

Those people are ignoring the statistics.

They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict.

But are there better solutions? Absolutely. Here is one.

In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic — so that you understand that. I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort. Listen below for help with separation.

RESOURCES:
Article on Separating
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)

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Where DID Those Feelings Go?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 8, 2015

Maybe your spouse said it. Or maybe you’re feeling it: those feelings just aren’t there.

No tingles, no butterflies, no desires. Is it you? Is it your spouse? Were they ever there?

Those feelings of attraction and romance are not well understood by most people. So, when they aren’t there (or are at least in short supply), many believe it to be an indication that the relationship is wrong, destined for failure, or maybe permanently broken.

There are 5 root causes of why those feelings might be missing. The bad news is that there is nothing you can do about 1. The good news is you have a choice about the other 4.

Learn what happens to those feelings. But more importantly, discover what to do about it.

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Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Will Change (And What To Do About It)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 1, 2015

You have arrived at that point. You know you are not doing all you can and being all you can be. It is time for a change.

Perhaps with hat in hand, you sit down with your spouse and let your spouse know, in your most sincere and concerned voice, that you know you have fallen short. You know you can do better. . . and you promise to change.

What you expected was a spouse who is supportive and hopeful, smiling at you, and proud of your efforts.

What you get, instead, is anger and frustration. Maybe it is the silent treatment. Or maybe it is yelling. Through clenched teeth, you may hear your spouse say, “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.” Or maybe, “We’ll just see about that.”

Why?

You feel shot down. Maybe hopeless. That did not play out the way you thought it would.

Why?

Don’t blame your spouse. Choose to fix it. Choose to make the change.

Here is what to do, when your spouse doesn’t believe you will change.

RELATED HELP AND RESOURCES:
Show Up
Connect
The System
Virtual Coaching

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Am I Trying To Brainwash You? (An Open Letter)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 24, 2015

I admit I was a magician in my younger years. But I never did much with mental magic (tricks that make you think I am reading your mind). And I never really got into hypnosis (although I do love a good performing hypnotist – nothing like a person barking on stage!).

Which is why it cracks me up when people have accused me of trying to brainwash their spouse.

I used to deny it. Swear that I was doing nothing to brainwash, hypnotize, or manipulate anyone (or their spouse).

But I gave up.

So, today, I have a confession. Yes, guilty as charged, I am trying to brainwash your spouse. But you may just like what I am doing! (Or you may not, if you don’t believe in commitment, growth, security, concern for family — things like that.)

Here is my confession — for anyone and their spouse that is concerned I am “brainwashing.” (And trust me when I tell you that you seriously overestimate my skills on that one!)

My confession is below:
(And if you are interested in the book I mention, here is the link: http://savethemarriage.com/book)

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How To TRULY Change

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 17, 2015

Life is change. Relationships change, we change, the world around us changes.

Yet, for the most part, we humans resist change.

Let’s assume you have now listened to my series on What Happy Couples Do Differently. Let’s further assume that you think it might be even a good idea to move in that direction.

That does raise the question of how to change. You’ve already decided to change.

So, for the next couple of weeks, lets talk about this change.

Real change.

Not just making it look like you are changing. But truly changing.

That change starts from the inside, and works outward. The level of change we are talking about is changing your beliefs, your paradigm, your understanding of the world.

Are you ready?

If you are, let me invite you to learn about my KNAC Protocol of Change. This protocol describes the 3 arenas of change, and how each one builds to a real change.

Listen in on the podcast as I describe the KNAC Protocol and how to begin the process of change.

Resources Referenced:
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 1: Conflict
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 2: Connection
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 3: Companionship
The Save The Marriage System

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How To Move From Shake-Up To Make-Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 9, 2015

Life is going along. Everything seems to be fine. But under the surface, things are not good. You just didn’t know it yet.

Then comes the “shake-up.” You discover things are not going well. Your spouse is unhappy, frustrated, and angry with the situation.

From here, I can predict the direction. At a certain point, you will have to choose whether things continue to spiral toward break-up, or if you will move to make-up.

There are a number of danger points and mistakes along the way.

Can I tell you about the path in front of you, and how to avoid the pitfalls?

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11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Companionship (part 3)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 3, 2015

Happy couples are no different than unhappy couples. They have similar backgrounds, same jobs, same income levels, and same interests.

But they do some things differently. And those differences in how they do conflict, connection, and companionship, make all the difference.

Changes in action lead to changes in trajectory. That leads to changes in outcome.

But what if you could extrapolate those differences, and add them into YOUR relationship.

Well, for the past three episodes, that is what we have been doing.

In the first episode, we looked at how happy couples do conflict differently.

In the second episode, we looked at how happy couples connect with each other differently.

In this week’s episode, we turn to how happy couples treat each other differently, as individuals. This is about how they treasure their companion and protect their relationship.

Successful couples see themselves as a team, a unit, a WE (as I call it). But that WE is made up of two individuals. Those two individuals create the strongest WE when they are strong, themselves. When they develop and grow, the bring that growth and energy into the relationship.

More than that, happy couples create and maintain boundaries around their relationship. They protect and treasure the relationship. They support and treasure each other.

Learn how happy couples treat their companionship in this week’s podcast episode.

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