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The Next Phase: Chronic or Thriving?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 16, 2022 November 15, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 16, 2022

Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now?

Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few.

What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed. The separation or divorce is off the table. The affair is over. The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom. For most, communication was much improved. For many, lots of things had improved.

Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before.

But….

And this is where there is often some diversity of answers. Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo. Physical contact and connection was still missing. Trust was still struggling.

In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed. It just was no longer on life-support.

So, what now?

Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast. You can listen below.

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Is It Too Toxic??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 9, 2022

You probably know that I’m on the side of your marriage. I’m all about saving a marriage.

But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?

No.

First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change.

Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses. In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic. And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage.

Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage.

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The Dangers of Emotions and Decisions

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 2, 2022

It’s a false belief in our culture that we need to “trust our gut” and “follow our emotions.” Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can’t even say what our emotions are, much of the time.

Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What it means? Why it is there right now… and might be gone in 5 minutes? Or tomorrow?

Let’s be clear: a hurting marriage is painful. Conflict is tough. Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating. But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away? What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away.

Is that a reason to give up?

Notice: “feel like” is seen as a “reason.”

Many people tell me they just need to “follow their emotions.” I remind them that there is a group of people who do this… children — around 3 years old! Because they think that the emotion is truth. They are angry, so they throw a fit. 5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play. Until the next upheaval.

Part of maturity is recognizing that emotions are temporal. And we don’t have to react to an emotion. We can choose our response.

Especially around things like marriage. Important things.

Listen to this podcast episode to learn more.

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Why “Limbo” is a Lie

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 26, 2022

Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?

Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.

He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship.

What should he do??

I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. And it may just be where you find yourself, too. Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away.

How do you deal with “Limbo”? We discuss it. Listen below.

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Midlife Marriage Crisis and Connecting

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 5, 2022

Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes. And a crisis for many marriages! I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis. I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that. We see it every day.

And I see the strain a MLC can place on an already-hurting marriage. If the marriage is disconnected already, a MLC turns into a MLMC (mid life marriage crisis). Which often leads to compounding issues, like an affair.

What can you do, if your spouse is having a mid life crisis? And what if it is complicated by an affair?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what a MLC is, when it can become a MLMC, and what to do in response. Even if there is an affair.

(Why this episode? Because a listener asked. If you have a question — a Goldilocks question, as I discuss in the episode — you can send it here.)

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Stuck in Questioning??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 28, 2022

Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful?

That is often very normal.

To a degree.

It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time. That is just what our brain does. It tosses out “bait” of thoughts, to see which ones you bite on (which just sets the hook) and which ones pass. Which ones you LET pass.

And there are times, when a relationship is toxic, that you have those thoughts because your mind is trying to get your attention — to get you to ACT.

And then, there is a third category. When those thoughts become obsessive. When they keep you stuck. There are some clinicians that refer to this as ROCD — Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

The problem is, those 3 points can be, ummmm… less than clear.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener’s question as a way of jumping into thinking about thoughts. When does it matter and what can you do about it?

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Thinking about Thoughts
Relying on Commitment
Save The Marriage System
My Books

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Mistakes Were Made (Now What?)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 21, 2022

I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly. I make mistakes.

Okay, I’ll admit it: I DO know about you. You make mistakes, too. And how do I know??

We ALL make mistakes! Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful. And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway.

And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressful. Oh, and if you are like most people, you don’t really know what you are doing (if you did, you wouldn’t be here — on this page or with a struggling relationship).

So let’s just assume that you have made some mistakes. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we talk about what to do. I cover questions from two T’s. Different questions, it would seem. But at their core, they are very similar. So, I give some info that applies to each situation, and then we dive into what to do when mistakes are made.

And they WILL be made!

Listen to the episode below.

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Hot & Cold

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 14, 2022

Hot and cold. That is often what I hear people describe. About their spouses. One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving. And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns. Distance and dread return. Are things going south? Is this the time when things don’t turn around?

And then… the pattern repeats again.

It can through you off your efforts, discourage you, even tempting you to give up.

So, what is that all about, anyway?

“M” is in this very situation. She wants to understand it, so she knows how to respond (not react, but respond). It may be YOUR question, too. Especially if your spouse did what M’s spouse did: Gave the “ILYBNILWY” speech (“I Love You But Not In Love With You”)

I explain what is going on here, and what to do about it. Listen below.

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When to Talk?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 7, 2022

You’ve taken steps to save your marriage. And it seems to be working! Things are improving. The ice is melting. Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there.

And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend. But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues — is a big concern. If you ask too soon, do you risk a setback?

A podcast listener recently sent in a question about that. Her anxiety has been building about their progress. She can see the signs. But what about that “elephant in the room?” Is it time to address it?

In this episode of the podcast, I respond to “S” to bring some clarity to the question, “When to Talk?”

You can listen below.

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Taking Back the Hurt

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 31, 2022

We all do it. We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt.

Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis. For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife.”

I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

But before I answer that specific question, I go into some dangers of separation (they ended up in an “in-house” separation). And I pull apart the myth of “work on myself OR work on the relationship.”

As is often the case when I respond to an email question, this doesn’t just apply to R. It may very well apply to YOU!

(Oh, and by the way, if you have the “Goldilocks question” — not too broad, not too specific, but just right — send me your question for possible answers in future podcast episodes. I tell you how in the podcast episode.)

You can listen to the episode below.

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