When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd.”

What a loss!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.  Listen below.

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People make mistakes every day — all through life.

And people ABSOLUTELY make mistakes when they are trying to save their marriage!

That shouldn’t be a surprise.  First, most people don’t really know what TO do… so they aren’t sure what NOT to do.  Second, your emotions are running wild.

That combo is a recipe for disaster.

Does making a mistake ruin your chances?

Nope.

But it does make the work harder, the climb steeper.

Which is why I just made a video for you, so you can avoid 5 common mistakes people make.

Here is the video for you:

Sounds so philosophical, doesn’t it?  Your “created past.”  What is that?

We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.

When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.

We rewrite the past, based on the present situation.  Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been.

If you are wondering why your spouse can’t remember the happier times, can’t remember the passion, can’t remember the connection, this is it.  The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.

Let’s talk more about this in the podcast below.

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Phil asked, “How do you know you are making progress?”  And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, “how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me.”

Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions.  They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship.  What to look for?  And what to do if those signs are not there?

This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball… or asking the magic mirror.  But these are such important questions that I wanted to answer Phil’s questions… at least as much as I can.  There are lots of dynamics and subtleties to a marriage and a spouse, it can be hard to be precise.

But I want to discuss some signs to look for, both in when there is progress and when it is becoming unhealthy.

Listen in for details in this episode of the podcast.

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You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn’t be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don’t.

I mean, let’s face it:  most people don’t do a lot to prepare to be married.  Maybe a little pre-marital counseling.  Perhaps a weekend event.  Or maybe you read a book.  But that doesn’t really cut it, does it?  Most people find that out when they hit a problem.

They often discover that they didn’t really understand how to have a good marriage, much less how to fix a hurting marriage.  But we can change that!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you 3 steps you can take, with or without your spouse’s involvement, that can start the process to saving and restoring your marriage.

No, they aren’t hard, nor complicated.  They are, however, important.  So listen in and take action.

Listen below.

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We all have limiting beliefs.  You… me… and your spouse!  I always work to change my limiting beliefs.  You are probably doing the same.  But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief?  It is a mostly-FALSE belief.  But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities.  Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward.  So, they stay stuck.  And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what to do when your spouse’s belief is “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.”  I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

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Just to be clear, people don’t simply end up divorced.  They don’t go from a loving, connected marriage to a painful, hurting divorce.  There are some stops along the way.

As people progress along the path to divorce, they have some options along the way, to either take the off-ramp or jump back on the road.  And the further along the road they go, the harder it is to turn around, to turn back toward the marriage.

But what if I were to tell you that even at the last stop, things can still turn around?  You can still turn things around.

More than that, what if I told you about those 8 stops along the way?  Because most people aren’t even aware that they have blown through the first one, two, or even three, without even realizing it!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about each stop… and the options of the off-ramp.  Tune in to hear and to find where you are.

Listen below.

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The shift from connection to disconnection happens when people (inadvertently) hit the Pause Button on their marriage. It isn’t ill-intended. It usually just happens in the busyness of life. Still, relationships, in general (and marriages, in particular), do not do well being paused. Because they don’t “pause.” They atrophy and recede. (SEE MY PODCAST ON THIS RIGHT HERE)

But being simply disconnected is not the end of the story. It is actually the beginning of the arc of disconnection.  And yes, it is on the other side of the arc of connection.

Unfortunately, this arc tends downward, with accelerating speed and momentum.  It is painful, frustrating, and ever-more difficult to turn around.  Can you turn it around?  Yes.  It just takes more time, effort, and resources, as it approaches the end.

And just how many stops are there on the arc of disconnection?

I highlight 7 in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

This episode is the audio from a recent video I released.  (If you would rather see the video, you can GO HERE to watch.)

I reveal each of the 7 stages of disconnection, the dangers of each, and how to make a shift away from the stages.  If your marriage is stuck in disconnect, listen in to discover your stage, and the off-ramp that heads back to connection.

Listen below.

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Many people tell me how they WANT to save their marriage (they really, really do), but they aren’t DOING it.  They can’t seem to get started with their efforts.  Yes, they know the clock is ticking.  Yes, they know it is important.  But getting started… doesn’t happen

IF someone WANTS to save their marriage, then WHY CAN’T THEY GET STARTED?

There are several typical reasons why people get stuck and can’t get started.  And there are some issues beneath these reasons that must be addressed, one way or the other.

I cover the problems and issues in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.

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We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others.  Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table.  Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence.  And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships.  We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt.  We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

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