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The World Is Tough On Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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It is tough to watch the news and NOT see the assault on marriage. And no, this has nothing to do with same-sex marriage. I am talking about the cultural ethos about marriage. Now, in all the years I have been blogging, I have chosen NOT to talk about the scandals of the stars.

But Woods, Edwards, Jolie/Pitt, and many others seem to beg the question: is happy marriage possible? Well, the answer is absolutely! The news is the news because there is footage and people will follow it.

Reports about the “happily married couple continue to love and appreciate each other” just doesn’t titillate the way a good scandal does. The rich and famous sure seem to be willing to serve up the scandal!

What does this really mean? Perhaps that relationships involving the self-involved and narcissistic are tough to maintain.

Recently, I have been teaching a class on raising responsible kids in a narcissistic world, so the question has arisen, “why do these people shoot themselves in the foot?” My answer is because being surrounded by people who say “yes” to every movement, decision, and action creates the situation where reality becomes a more and more distant truth. “Reality” becomes whatever I want to believe, because there is no reality check around me.

Marriages work when two people decide to work as a team, not so much when either one or the other sees him- or herself as superior and above the rules. Marriage works when both people defend their relationship and guard against dangers. One major danger is attraction to other people.

Somewhere along the way, we seem to have forgotten that attraction to others is natural. Sexual attraction is not an aberration, but a natural part of existence. So the task is not to pretend there is no attraction to another person, but to guard against that attraction threatening the marriage!

Because we have forgotten this fact of attraction, we think that the attraction to another person is somehow 1) proof we should be with someone else, and 2) proof that there is something wrong with our marriage. Neither are true, but both beliefs can destroy a marriage.

Saving a marriage often starts by keeping a marriage out of trouble. Watch Tiger Woods and Jonathan Edwards. Now, when the problem is deep, both are doing backflips to save their marriages — but the real issue is stopping the POTENTIAL for problems.

Guard your marriage. Guard your relationship. And remember the humility of realizing that nobody is above the rules. Marriage is about vigilance from outside dangers as much as the connection and love inside the relationship.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
‘Tis The Season. . . For Divorce Attorneys!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The Holidays are upon us — mostly regardless of your heritage, beliefs, or nationality! It seems that this month converges everyone in some holiday. And just around the corner is the new year!

Why would I start with that in a blog on marriage? Because it is not JUST the season of holidays. It is the season of a building storm! You see, in the United States between Thanksgiving and New Years, activities begin to grind to a halt. “Normal” life is put on hold, and people “hunker down” to make it through — especially if there are problems!

Who wants to stir up troubles during this time of the year? Most people who see a problem decide to put it off.

Unfortunately, many spouses assume that since someone is not talking about the problem, there is no problem.

But here is the truth: come the first week of January, there will be one happy group of people — divorce attorneys! People will fill their offices in the first week of January. In fact, there is a spike in divorce filings throughout January.

It happens for a couple of reasons. First, there is a buildup of people who have put it off over the holidays. Second, the first of the year marks new beginnings. People with problems decide to take action.

My hope is you don’t fatten the pockets of the divorce business. If there were problems before the holidays, they are still there! Take these next few weeks to begin building a framework of healing. But don’t wait until January to get started! The attorneys are waiting!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Can You Really Stop A Divorce?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Marriage is a relationship of balance. . . and a balance that is easily upset these days. Unfortunately, the solution many people choose to deal with the situation is to divorce. I say “unfortunate” because the vast majority of people enter into getting a divorce with a very optimistic view of the consequences. In fact, people underestimate the cost, the emotional toll, the length of time, the energy, and the consequences for children.

So, they blindly head down the road to divorce. The only ones to benefit from this action? The Divorce Industry, but the couple will not figure that out for awhile. And when they do finally realize this, they will be so angry with each other that they won’t care. That is the secret that many divorce attorneys will just not tell you!

But allow me to make an assumption here. Let me assume I am “preaching to the choir.” Let me assume that you are already on-board with me about the damage wrought by a divorce. Let me assume that you are not wanting to lose your spouse, that you don’t want your children split between homes, that you don’t want your finances devastated. Let me assume that you want to save your marriage, but you don’t know if a divorce can be avoided.

If your question is “Is it even possible to stop a divorce?” — then let us try and think through this together. You see, I don’t find it helpful to try and convince people to save a marriage. I only try to provide the information you need to do that.

So, consider the following circumstances and factors that determine the likelihood you will succeed in stopping a divorce and saving a marriage. But first, let me tell you that in my 2 decades of helping people deal with a marriage crisis, I never cease to be amazed by two things: 1) marriages that should not, in my estimation, end — do, in fact, end. 2) marriages that I think are likely to fall apart and end actually find healing and stay together.

One major lesson I have learned through this: It truly takes two people to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to royally screw it up (that is my technical term)!

That said, there are factors that play into the likelihood:

1) How long the problems have been known. This is not a matter of how long the problems have existed, but how long one person or the other has been aware of it. The longer a problem has been known, the longer someone has been asking for change. When that change doesn’t ever happen, someone often becomes more and more resentful, eating away at the marriage. So, when a threat is made to divorce, it is often more entrenched and defended.

2) Whether there is infidelity or not. First, let me say that statistics show the majority of marriages where infidelity has happened do manage to survive. Second, let me also point out that I did not say “whether has been infidelity or not.” We are talking here about whether the infidelity is current and on-going.

The reason is because the affair becomes idealized as the “better relationship,” and that can attract the person involved away from the marriage and toward the paramour. That said, the vast majority of extramarital relationships fall apart. Think about it: one day, the person thinks “that person cheated on his/her spouse with me. . . and that could happen to me!” Any relationship built on dishonesty already has the seeds of its destruction sown.

3) Whether children are involved. Parents are capable of pulling outside of themselves and seeing that a divorce would be difficult for the children. So, while it is easy to rationalize and pretend that everything will be okay, the parents know on some level that they are fundamentally ripping away the security the children have known. This gives more opportunities for healing and restoration of the marriage in relationships where there are children.

4) How a spouse responds to the threat of divorce. This is the one you have control over! You can’t go back and redo not changing earlier. You can’t stop a spouse’s infidelity. And you either have children or you don’t. But this one, you have control over.

Spouses that take action, that find the helpful information (as opposed to the lame and useless information floating around) tend to have the best chance for restoration. Why? Because good information will helps you avoid the mistakes that make things worse, helps you to create sensible strategies for reconnecting, helps you to understand what went wrong and what needs to go right. In other words, good information gives you the tools and understandings you need to make some real, lasting changes.

Albert Einstein observed that “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Good information gives you new ways of thinking. And with that information, the chances of stopping a divorce and saving your marriage go up astronomically!

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Information and help can be found in my System, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Why Am I Optimistic About Marriages Surviving?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Every day, there is another news story of a marriage under assault. Public figures seem to manage to royally screw up their marriages, and for what? Well, answer that and you will be wealthy! The cost of actions seems high for the payoff, yet they keep happening.

So, people sometimes wonder, why am I so optimistic that a marriage can survive? First, I am confident that marriage, as an institution, will survive because it is the best way we have of making sure the next generation continues. And it continues to honor the fact that people keep falling in love!

Why might a particular marriage survive? As I see it, we finally stand at a point where marriages really have the tools and capacity of not just surviving but thriving.

Until the last 3 or 4 decades, the majority of people stayed together, not out of happiness but out of lack of choice. Some were happy, but many stayed together because 1) their survival necessitated it, and 2) because the social norms necessitated it. Not the recipe for a content life together!

Then, those norms and opportunities changed. Pursuit of personal happiness surpassed the need to stay together. People shifted to personal pursuit at the expense of the marriage. Divorce rates skyrocketed. The choice became “stay married and miserable” or “divorce and try to be personally happy.” Small problem: people pursued happiness, but happiness was not found. In fact, many found themselves more miserable post-divorce.

Today, I believe the lesson has mostly been learned. People don’t blindly believe that divorce equals happiness. But many see no other option.

Enter the final fact: We now have the technology and knowledge to have a happy, fulfilling marriage. People don’t have to make the choice, but can discover how to be happy within the marriage. Imagine: individual happiness, marital happiness, and no need to divorce.

That is why I am optimistic. On a daily basis, I see people take advantage of the knowledge we have to create a wonderful marriage. I believe society and culture will continue to turn away from divorce and toward embracing fulfillment within marriage.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my system, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Been Burned By Crap Ebooks? You Are Not Alone!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I just received an email. I took a screenshot, made it anonymous, and placed it below.

If you can’t read it, zoom in! It is important. (Just click the image!)

This is someone who finally decided to grab my ebook. Unfortunately, it was only after grabbing another “magic” book about making up. Others tell me about buying books on how to stop a divorce (reverse psychology is often the content). But that “magic” book is, as this customer notes, just plain dangerous! I can tell you the point of these new books on making up: make your spouse jealous and act like you don’t care!

If anyone thinks that these tactics are really going to work, then there are some bigger issues than they know at work! Unfortunately, there are times when desperation trumps common sense!

Two things happen when we are in a crisis: 1) we want to be out of pain, and 2) we want guidance.

Unfortunately, that desire leads to simultaneous problems. First, we look for what seems to be the fastest way out of pain (rarely the best or most effective), and second, we stop evaluating the source of guidance.

Please, please, please! Don’t make that mistake! Get help! Find resources that will help you, but do think through the advice and who it is coming from. Is it an expert (not an expert marketer, but an expert in relationships!)? Do you have a sense of what kind of advice you are goint to get (for example, you can see a good deal of my thinking in this blog and in my free ecourse)? Is it just too good to be true? And most importantly, does the approach fit with your ethics and morals?

Marriages can be saved, with the right advice and with effort. Marriages can be destroyed with the wrong advice (even with effort!).

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
The Connection-Starved Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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“Why can’t we figure this relationship thing out?” Have you ever had that question? It doesn’t seem that it should be difficult, but at least in the U.S., the chances of a marriage making it is almost a coin toss!

I have spent the last 2 decades or so reading, studying, researching, observing, and questioning this. Problem is, we often try to simplify a fairly complex thing. Relationships, any relationship, have problems. It is just the nature of humans living together.

So, at the risk of over-simplifying, let me do just that! I want to examine one dimension of this with you today. So enter with me into. . . (queue Twilight Zone theme) the Connection Dimension!

You see, I really think that the majority of marriages actually get into trouble because of becoming Connection Starved. Recent books have simplified this further into a “sex starved” situation. However, I think it is one level deeper — connection! Feeling connected, getting connection, and connecting — those are the issues.

Let’s just put together two pieces of connection: emotional connection and physical connection. Those two pieces are the root of many of our issues.

Emotional connection includes having emotional needs met, feeling heard, feeling valued, and feeling as if your spouse cares for you and to be with you. Physical connection is not just about sex. Humans are wired for touch. It can come in many forms: hugs, hand-holding, kissing, caressing, massages, and sex.

My observation is that couples become rather lackadaisical about both areas. They stop talking and listening, sharing feelings, and nurturing connection. Likewise, couples stop attending to their physical connection. Children start getting the hugs, sex slows, and suddenly, the couple has disconnected on both fronts.

Add to this the resentment of having a connection need, but feeling it is unfulfilled. We often forget, since the couple has stopped sharing emotions, that both are feeling the same thing.

In many couples, there is a difference in the necessary connection in each area. One may have a higher need for physical connection and the other a higher need for emotional connection. Over time, when one feels that he or she is not getting enough, it is natural to not give enough. Then, both people are feeling disconnected.

The result? Less connection. More than that, withholding connection. Slowly, the relationship is starved to death. Anger and hurt from feeling rejected takes over, and then the wheels fall off.

You see, my other observation is that as long as each person is getting their quota of connection, they are willing to accept that there are issues. No marriage is without issues. That is a fact of life. But those issues feel insurmountable without connection. With connection comes acceptance.

But remember, we can offer connection and acceptance on our own, when we recognize that we are free to choose our own actions, our attitude. That is part of what I focus on in the Save The Marriage System.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Marriage Advice; Start Here!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Let’s face it: 100% of marriages have difficulties and problems. It is the nature of such a close relationship. Two people living in close proximity are going to have marriage problems. Statistically speaking, about 1/2 of those marriages survive.

What keeps them together? What makes the difference? Is it more than a toss of the coin? Absolutely!

When Greg and Susan came into my office last week, they were trying to decide upon which side of the coin they would land. Should they stay married? Should they divorce?

Both wanted to tell me all about the faults and problems they had during their 11 years of marriage. Frankly, while I politely listened, where they had been was of relatively little interest to me. I was much more interested in where they wanted to get to!

Problem is, Greg and Susan had both decided that the solution to their problems was in their past. They thought that they needed help communicating better. Greg thought Susan was controlling and needed to change. Susan thought Greg was lackadaisical in his approach to life. More importantly, neither felt loved or appreciated.

So, I decided it was time to stop this cascade of pain and useless dialogue. “Greg, Susan, please stop shooting at each other! You both say you want a good marriage, but I have heard neither of you make a positive contribution to where you want to be!” Greg started to respond, but by the look on his face, I knew he was only going to make a defensive statement.

I stopped him, “Greg, hold on for a minute. I can tell you, if you want to know, what the secret is to saving your marriage, and to not only save it, but have a marriage you can treasure!”

Now I had their attention! My answer was going to be deceptively simple, but would take them a lifetime to work out. I continued, “The secret to a successful marriage is following the 2 ‘C’s.’ Fail in doing that, and you will be in trouble. Follow them, and I promise success.”

Greg and Susan had relaxed a bit, but I could tell they were listening intently. “Now, the 2 ‘C’s’ are not complicated, but they require some action and dedication. But mostly, they require you to do something you already said you would.”

By now, they were looking a bit perplexed. What had they already agreed to?

It was time to let them in on the best marriage advice I could give them. Two simple steps that would lead to a lifetime of happy marriage. I slowly told them about the 2 C’s: “The two pieces of the puzzle are Commitment and Connection. If the two of you accept your commitment to the marriage and work on being connected, you cannot fail!”

Let me say a bit about each. First, Commitment: this is the cornerstone of any marriage. It sets the backdrop to a marriage. In most weddings, we promise to stay committed to our spouse, regardless of what the future holds. So the first C is just following through on that promise. Even when things are tough, we rely on having made that commitment. That means we are faced with working it out when there are difficulties. After all, a lifetime commitment requires resolution.

Second, Connection: this is what keeps us wanting to be married. Commitment keeps us married. Connection is the joy. Nurturing connection is a daily activity. It is partly mental — thinking about a marriage and a spouse in loving and respectful ways. It is partly action — finding ways to carve space out during the day to connect and reconnect. This is where our priorities show. If we cannot make time to be connected (even 15 minutes per day!), then our marriage is clearly not at the top of our priorities.

Greg and Susan left the office more relaxed, recommited to working on the relationship, and with some thoughts on how each might work on connection.

What can you do today to deepen the commitment or the connection?

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
“How Dare You Tell Me To Save My Marriage!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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. . . that was the opening line from an email I just received. The writer was clearly angry, feeling that I was pressuring her into saving her marriage.

So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.

There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.

Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.

Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.

The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!

Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!

Oh, and that doesn’t factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.

Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!

Again, it is a couple’s choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.

If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you’d rather not, I wish you well.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
My Rough Trip. . . And What It Means To Your Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Last week, I headed out to Denver for a professional meeting. I left on last Tuesday. Now, I live in Louisville, Kentucky. As you may or may not have heard, last Tuesday a storm of rather historic proportions hit Louisville, dumping between 6 and 8 inches of water in an hour. It continued to rain throughout the day. The storm hit around 8:30am.

Did I mention my flight’s scheduled departure was 8:30am?

The pilot tried to get us out ahead of the storm. He couldn’t. Then, the storm stalled. We (a full plane of people and a cranky flight attendant) spent 3 hours sitting on the runway, unable to go back to the gate (the jetway broke) and unable to leave.

Needless to say, the emotions on the plane were fairly raw. People were trying to recline their chairs or use their phones early on, which the flight attendant would not allow. This escalated the tense situation. It set the emotional tone for the entire ordeal!

The flight attendant was just trying to do what she was supposed to (and when it became evident that we were not going anywhere, she did relax the rules). Those on board were simply trying to be comfortable.

We all missed our connections when we finally departed. We all were tense on the flight and getting off the flight. We all struggled to get to where we needed to be (it took me an additional 9 hours). I would imagine that many of us were angry.

So why am I bringing this up in a blog about saving marriages? Well, I wanted to be angry. Problem was, I couldn’t figure out who to be angry with. The pilots? They tried to beat the storm. The flight attendant? Cranky, but she didn’t cause the delay. The airline? The flight was not purposely scheduled during a storm. No, there really was no place for my frustration to go. But I still had the energy inside of me, rolling around. I also had plenty of time to let it dissipate without anyone being around to catch it.

But imagine how many times we all are carrying around anger and frustration, with nowhere to aim it, and it becomes misplaced. We take out our frustrations and anger on those closest to us (emotionally and by vicinity), even if they had nothing to do with it. That is misplaced anger.

When that happens, the misplaced anger finds a target, fair or unfair. Then we start justifying the anger at that person. While waiting in line to rebook (if this happens to you, call reservations. Trust me. It saved me an hour in line), I heard person after person take it out on the customer service folks. They had nothing to do with the weather, but they sure caught the frustrations!

Too bad we are less prepared to simply let go of anger that is misplaced. Too bad our wiring tends for us to hold onto that energy, looking for a target. That is how our biology and our brain works.

Good thing we have a mind that can keep working to find calm and to let go of the anger! Good thing that we get to choose our response!

During the trip, my daughter texted me and asked how I was doing. I told her that I was choosing to be aware that I was where I was, there was nothing I could do, and that I was OK with that. She asked me how that was going. I told her that every once in a while, I actually believed it! 🙂

Being angry or frustrated is not the problem. The problem is when we allow those feelings to be misplaced, and it causes harm to relationships we treasure. Next time you find yourself frustrated by work, traffic, whatever, remember to pause and make sure you are aiming at the right target!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Do You WANT Your Marriage, Or Are You Playing Tug-Of-War?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I spend a good portion of my week responding to consultation emails and working with clients. This week, I had two cases that reminded me of a very important fact: we all have a tendency to play tug-of-war.

Let me explain with a personal example. A couple of years ago, I was at a conference. In the afternoon session, we were asked to turn and face another person, and place our arms in an arm wrestling position.

The instructions were simple: touch each others’ hand to the table as many times as possible in 60 seconds.

For the next minute, everyone in the room engaged in a strenuous match of arm wrestling. Few people got their count above 10, and that was mostly because of a mismatch in size and strength!

Then, the leaders pulled out a table and put their hands in position, but they cooperated! Each took turns having their hands hit to the table, and they were able to get over 90 touches in! They had given us the directions, but we were already poised to arm wrestle!

Now, back to saving marriages. When a spouse decides that he or she wants out, a tug-of-war can be set up. Our natural tendency is to pull in the opposite direction. In other words, they pull away, we pull toward the relationship!

So, this week, one woman told me how hard she was working to save her marriage. She also told me her husband had already had not one, not two, but three affairs! I suspect there were others! I told the woman that she needed to pause for a moment, and instead of trying to figure out how to save the marriage, she needed to ponder another question. She needed to decide on whether she could continue in a marriage with a philanderer. She suddenly realized that she could not do that.

The very next day, a woman started telling me about all her attempts to save her marriage, then noted the affair and abuse she had suffered through with her husband. Again, I got her to pause in her marriage-saving strategy and ask whether she wanted to have the marriage she was in. She is still thinking.

My point is this: are you just trying to save a marriage, or do you want that marriage? I am all about saving marriages, but I am also about having a marriage you want to have. Don’t get caught up in saving a marriage, and fail to see that if you did save it, you wouldn’t want it! Instead, focus on saving a marriage AND making it a marriage you can treasure!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .