Can I Save My Marriage By Myself – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

It’s a NO… (unless you ask/try)

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg January 9, 2019 January 9, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 9, 2019

It is probably the most frequent question I get… “Should I try to save my marriage?” I get it in conversations, voicemails, emails, even by Messenger the other day. People often give me a few (sometimes, very few) details about their relationship and want my professional opinion on whether they should try to save their marriage (or keep trying).

Truth is, that is a decision I cannot and will not make. Each person has to decide whether they want to try and save the marriage. I can’t make that choice for them.

But I do think there are some pretty important things to consider, as you try to answer that question.

One thing, after nearly 3 decades of helping people with their marriages, I know is the outcome of NOT working on their relationship. NOT trying is almost certainly NOT saving the relationship. There is a high probability that not taking action will lead to the marriage ending.

The real choice is NOT saving the marriage or PERHAPS saving the marriage.

Is it possible that you put forth effort… really dig in… really give it your best effort… and your marriage still fails. But it is nearly guaranteed that if you don’t take action, your marriage will end. And it is highly possible that you put in the effort… and your marriage is saved.

The choice is your choice. But it is a NO… unless you try.

Let’s talk about that choice in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast

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Doing The Right Thing vs. Doing It Right

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 27, 2017

Today, I tackle a pretty sensitive subject: the difference between “Doing The Right Thing” and “Doing It Right.”

Let me be very clear: I believe that working to save your marriage is heroic work. It is pretty counter-cultural in our world of “throw away.” We do it with stuff and relationships. And “No Fault Divorce” (better called “Unilateral Divorce”) has made it simple. Or at least it has been made to seem simple.

I also believe that working on saving a marriage is courageous. It’s pretty scary to be in the middle of a crisis, and to CHOOSE to work on the relationship. That is the definition of courage — feeling fear, and choosing to act, anyway.

Sometimes, I watch people who want to do the right thing, but they don’t do it the right way. “No Contact Rule,” Reverse Psychology, hypnosis, spells. . . you name it, I see people try it.

And I watch their efforts fail. Their desire to change things is absolutely there. But the approach is in trouble. It kind of reminds me of deciding to diet, then choosing an ice-cream diet. Probably not going to get the results you want (although it does sound delicious).

Starting with the best of intentions is a great beginning point. But it has to be followed with an approach that works.

Let’s talk about Doing The Right Thing, AND Doing It The Right Way.

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“I Won’t If My Spouse Won’t” — And You Are Stuck

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 23, 2017

A few days ago, that was what he said on the phone, “I won’t work on my marriage if my spouse won’t.” Now note: he had contacted me — I help people save their marriage.

“Huh?” I uttered.

“Look,” he said, “if you think I am going to start working on my marriage by myself, that ain’t gonna happen. Why don’t you convince my spouse to work on the marriage?”

“First,” I replied, “I am not in the market of trying to get someone to do something, neither you nor your wife. Second, if you are always waiting for your spouse to do something before you do, you are probably very stuck. Could I suggest something?”

“Probably not, but go ahead and try,” he said.

“Okay,” I pushed on, “what if you were to start working on things? What if you were to just start moving in the direction of your marriage, seeing if you could improve the connection? Is it possible that you could START the process, and your spouse could JOIN the process?”

“Maybe….”

Good enough for me.

You see, this is one of those stuck points of marriage. If one spouse is refusing to do something until the other does something — and the spouse is doing the same thing — the marriage is frozen in place. Stuck.

Someone has to shift. Someone has to blink. Someone has to be willing to change something in order for something to change.

Let’s talk about this stuck point — and how to get beyond it — in this week’s podcast (below).

(I mention a resource in the podcast. FIND IT RIGHT HERE.)

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Time To “Go Pro”. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 2, 2017

No. I don’t mean you need to call in the professionals.

Have you ever noticed the difference between an amateur/hobbyist and a pro? An amateur does something when they feel inspired. Pros do it because its what needs to be done.

I was chatting with someone who is “writing” a book. The person wants a better view, better resources, more research, and “inspiration.” That book will never get written.

My friends who are multiple book authors go about it differently. They do the writing, day in and day out, not waiting for inspiration. They manufacture the inspiration. They do what needs to be done — daily.

Or let’s say you think you should probably do something. Days pass. It remains undone. But if it were your job and your boss said, “do it by 3,” I bet it would get done. Because that’s part of being pro.

Are you taking on saving your marriage like a pro or an amateur? Do you keep doing what needs to be done? Or do you wait to be inspired?