can I save my marriage – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Your Spouse Isn’t…

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 30, 2022 November 29, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 30, 2022

Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be. How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse. Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be.

There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there. You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation. And we don’t use it when someone is doing what we want. It is when they are not.

As I have discussed in other episodes, expectations almost always end badly. It is a dead-end street that does nothing useful for any relationship. But especially a marriage!

I often watch couples (or one spouse) struggle with wanting things a spouse cannot give. And when that happens, it slowly moves a marriage to hurt, resentment, disappointment, and even disdain.

All because of an expectation that can’t be met.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I look at 5 things a spouse is NOT (and cannot be). Then, we spend some time discussing what a spouse CAN be (once you get past the disconnection and hurt).

Listen below.

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Taking Back the Hurt

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 31, 2022

We all do it. We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt.

Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis. For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife.”

I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

But before I answer that specific question, I go into some dangers of separation (they ended up in an “in-house” separation). And I pull apart the myth of “work on myself OR work on the relationship.”

As is often the case when I respond to an email question, this doesn’t just apply to R. It may very well apply to YOU!

(Oh, and by the way, if you have the “Goldilocks question” — not too broad, not too specific, but just right — send me your question for possible answers in future podcast episodes. I tell you how in the podcast episode.)

You can listen to the episode below.

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Limiting Beliefs Blocking Your Spouse

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 4, 2022

We all have limiting beliefs. You… me… and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ’s question about how to deal with her spouse’s belief that “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.” I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

(Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE — let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I’ll try to answer!)

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5 Factors of Success

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 16, 2022

I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved. Yes, it is true. Not every marriage WILL be saved. I can’t guarantee that.

But I DO think there is a “reverse” guarantee. If your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will NOT survive. But guarantee that it WILL survive? I can’t do that.

What I try to do, instead, is “stack the deck” in your favor. I try to provide tools and change that will INCREASE the chances of your saving your marriage. And not just save. Help it to thrive. Help you to build a marriage that BOTH of you would treasure and protect.

Some people act like it is just a game of chance. A flip of the coin. Heads up, you stay married; tails up, you divorce. That is NOT the case. You can improve your chances. But not just by trying “a little of this, a little of that.” You need a coherent process and method, along with some tools and understandings.

But what I have noticed is there are some factors that determine a higher likelihood of success. And the more of these five factors that are moving your way, the better your “hand” you are playing.

One of these factors is outside of your control. But you have four others that you CAN control. You want to save your marriage and you want to improve it. Your spouse, though, can’t see that right now. So, you need to have your best hand to play as you work on the relationship.

What are those 5 Factors? I discuss each one in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

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“You’ll Never Change!!”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 5, 2022

Has your spouse said that to you?: “You’ll NEVER change!”

Maybe it was at the end of yet another argument, another struggle, another disagreement. Perhaps it was at the end of another failed attempt to do things differently.

If you have tried to change and have failed (meaning, every single human alive!), then maybe you wonder whether it is even possible to change. Is it just too hard, too deep, too “baked in”?

Or can we actually change? Can we actually make some changes in our life to be better, do better, and love better?

Since January tends to be a month were people make (and break) resolutions, I thought that maybe we should look at the potential for change. And especially in terms of making your marriage better, of being a better partner.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I let you in on whether change is possible (it is), why people fail at it, and how to actually make real changes. Listen below.

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A Marriage Crisis and Holiday Season

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 15, 2021

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd.”

What a loss! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain. But her solution did more than avoiding pain. It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion: deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below.

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“Is This MY Fault??”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 17, 2021

Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question: “Am I the Problem?”

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Dealing with Negativity

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 13, 2021

It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).

Negativity comes from several sources: fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.

Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly — negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.

Is there another alternative?

You bet there is!

I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome. Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don’t catch it yourself. Listen below.

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Limiting Beliefs Limiting Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 22, 2021

It almost seems redundant, doesn’t it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something — say, for example, your marriage.

I say IF you have limited beliefs.

Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don’t notice them. And we pay a price for that.

Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs.

Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage?

I’m betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us.

Here’s the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs. Once you know what they are. And decide to change them

Listen below for this week’s podcast.

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Switches or Dials?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 14, 2021

No, this isn’t some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature.

We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch.

This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution… often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis.

A marriage — much less a marriage crisis — is not an on/off situation, and no simple switch will turn it around.

Yet that is what many people want. The solution that is as easy as flipping a switch.

Yes, your marriage can be saved and improved, but not with some simple switch. Instead, think about it as dials. Instead of a master switch, there can be a number of dials. Dialing up connection. Dialing down conflict. Dialing up warmth. Dialing down resentment.

We discuss this tendency to look for a switch — and the need to focus on the dials — in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Listen below.

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