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can I save my marriage

How Values Can Save (Or Destroy) Your Marriage: #38 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Save your marriage by talking about values.What happens when you and your spouse just don’t see eye-to-eye?  How do you get past it?

Perhaps the real issue is about values.  Do you and your spouse share the same values?  Or more precisely, do you and your spouse even talk about your values?

Many times, it is not a matter of values not matching, but of not understanding how your spouse expresses a value.

Or perhaps you believe you and your spouse share the same values, but never really clarified what you mean by the values each of you claim.

This week, I interview one of my very talented Relationship Coaches, Terri Hase, on how to get to the bottom of the values question.

Join Terri and me as we discuss values and how important they are in a marriage.  Oh, and if you want to contact Terri, you can find her at [email protected]

Let me know what you think in the comments area below!

 

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Still Feeling Stuck? Get Unstuck!: #34 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How to save your marriage and get unstuck.Stuck.  Not a fun place to be.  But the reality is that “stuck” is really a feeling and not a reality.  You are only as stuck as you believe you are.

Does that mean you can get anything you want?  No.  But that does not mean you are stuck.  There is a crucial shift you need to make in order to get unstuck.

And that shift?  It is entirely within your control.  You can make that shift whenever you choose.  Or you can remain stuck.

Which will you choose?

Take a listen, then it is your turn.  How will you get unstuck?  Leave a comment below.

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Is It Too Late To Save Your Marriage? How To Know: #31 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How to save your marriage. Should you quit or keep trying?How do you know whether to keep trying or to give up?  Why are some marriages impossible to save, while others just require more effort?  Are there factors that make a marriage harder to save than others?  Is there a time to stop trying?

I hear these questions every week, as people try to decide whether to keep up the effort or if it is just too late, and if they are too tired.

Let’s be very clear:  some marriages cannot be saved.  It has nothing to do with your efforts.  Perhaps the damage is too great or perhaps a spouse just cannot see the possibility.

There are some common reasons that make a marriage more difficult to save.  In this podcast, I discuss 5 complicators, so you know what you are up against. I also discuss why you might be feeling the need to give up, and how to decide if it is a good reason or not.

Take a listen and tell me what you think in the comments below!

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Mastering the Holidays When Your Relationship Hurts: Save The Marriage Podcast #22
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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dontletrelationshipproblemsruinyourholidayThe Holidays are stressful.  Even under the best of times, we can find ourselves stressed and down.  But when a relationship is in trouble, the pressure can feel overwhelming.

But it doesn’t have to be.  Don’t lose the Holidays.  Take back the meaning of the holidays and discover your reserve of strength.

Regardless of what is happening in your world, this season of Holidays can be fulfilling and meaningful.

Join me for the Save The Marriage Podcast to learn how to recover your celebration and holiday.

Let me know in the comments area below how YOU are Holy-daying, in spite of life circumstances!

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Who’s The Enemy Of Saving Your Marriage? Save The Marriage Podcast #17
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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how to save your marriage by knowing the enemy of saving your marriage.Let me ask you one simple question:  who is the enemy of saving your marriage?  Is it your spouse?  Is it someone else?  Is it something else?

The answer is crucial.  Answer it wrong, and you will find yourself constantly struggling to move forward.  More than that, you will only increase the resistance from your spouse.

Don’t assume you know the answer.  Listen and discover.

Then learn how to deal with this enemy.

You can save your marriage, but this one mistake you do not want to make!

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Can Your Marriage Be Saved?: Two Measurements And What To Do: Save The Marriage Podcast 16
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Can your marriage be saved? Two measurements you need.Can your marriage be saved?  Let’s look at a couple of measurements that will help you determine how difficult it may be.

Do you know about boundaries and standards?  Many people confuse the two, and if you do, you can cause problems in your relationship.

Let’s talk about boundaries and how to set them.  And let’s talk about standards.  Can you raise your standards?  Find out why you MUST know the difference between your standards and your boundaries.

If you want to know how to save your marriage, you must understand the variables in your marriage and what you can do to gain control of your life situation.

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Time. . . And Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Last night, I had the chance to watch the movie, In Time. If you are not familiar, it is a dystopic future that divides the “haves” and “have nots” by who has time. Literally. The general population are programmed to live for 26 years (barring an accident or someone stealing their time). But the wealthy have become immortal, as they have time.

Their slogan, “for the few to be immortal, many must die”. So, they hoard time, and meanwhile, the masses live, quite literally, minute-to-minute.

So, my analysis of the movie is that it is a very intriguing and thought-provoking idea caught without a decent plot.

But, as I said, it makes you think. Time as the ultimate commodity. What if that was the case?

Oh, yeah. It is! When we make a purchase, we are trading the time it took to make that money for that product. That $5 coffee? Calculate how long it took to make the $5, then decide if it is worth it. And that is without adding in the loss of that $5 for future earnings. We trade our time for our possessions. And experiences. The movie is already true!

But what does that have to do with marriage? Lots!

How much time do we waste acting as if our marriage was worthless? For instance, think of all the time a couple loses in worthless arguing and struggling, somehow pretending that a) there must be a winner, and b) if they keep going, they will arrive at a conclusion.

Scoring points. That is the typical goal in most arguments. “Let me prove my point, and then you will see I am right.”. But how many of those arguments are just differences of opinion? Take those out, and you have a 90% reduction in arguments, making the other 10% much easier to solve.

Or how about how much time we spend unhappy, but unwilling to really work at it?

Now, some will use this as rationale for divorce. Get out of a bad relationship and move on.

If only it were that easy! People greatly underestimate the devastation of a divorce. It is crippling to kids, adults, finances, etc., etc., etc.

But being stuck isn’t the answer. Here’s the deal, pointed out in the movie: we are going to die. How we spend the time between here and there is our only choice. Wasting it in conflict, or using it to build a treasured relationship?

Your choice.

Can A Separation Really Save A Marriage?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Saving a marriage by separationWere you watching the Today Show this morning?  After a Wall Street Journal article, a segment on how a separation saved a marriage was on.

Which means that countless couples this morning are contemplating separation.  Some are hoping it will save their marriage.  Others simply want justification to get out (“let’s separate and see if that helps”).

The stories noted above are about a couple that wrote a book about how their separation saved their marriage.  The danger is in the extrapolation:  “it can save your marriage, too.”  And in a VERY limited number of cases, they may be right.  But in the vast majority of couples, a separation is exactly what I have been calling it for years:  “a dress rehearsal for divorce.”

Let me be a bit more blunt:  not everyone dies from cancer.  Many survive.  That doesn’t mean I want to take a risk and get cancer!  I’d rather avoid it altogether.

That said, I have worked with couples that have separated and gotten back together.  It is just my opinion that this is really a last ditch effort.  Sometimes, one person insists and there is nothing more that can be done.  The separation is going to happen, and one has to bend to the will of the other.

In that case, I have a few suggestions.

1)  If possible, opt for an in-house separation.  That means that you stay in separate bedrooms, and create boundaries of separation.  For example, you may agree that after dinner (or after work, or whatever you decide), you will go to your “neutral corners.”  That often gives the emotional distance necessary to cool off, but it keeps the family intact.  It also avoids the substantial costs of the second household.

2)  If you do separate, be clear about how and when you will maintain contact.  If you decide to break off contact, you are taking a huge leap toward the dress rehearsal.  But if you are intentional about maintaining contact, then there is somewhere to move toward.  Schedule phone times, time together, etc.  And be specific about it.  No generalities.  There is too much room for avoidance in generalities.

3)  No dating during the separation.  Some people argue that you should date.  I would argue that during a separation, you are still married.  You have vowed to be faithful, and being otherwise only multiplies the problems and divides the chances at reconciliation.

4)  Have a specific time-frame.  No need for a minimum, but definitely a maximum.  For example, you may say “we will separate for no more than 3/6/9 months, and then sit down and decide where we are.”

5)  Try to keep the family routine as normal as possible.  At this point, the children need to feel that life is normal and not falling apart.  Dealing with marriage issues is one part.  Dealing with family issues is an entirely different piece.

6)  Be civil.  Kindness and politeness makes a huge difference.  If you are trying to reduce the conflict, and that is the reason for the separation, then reduce the conflict.  Make a conscious effort to be civil toward each other.  But go one more step and look for the positive in the other person.

How To Save Your Marriage When It Hurts
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Too many times, I have answered my phone to sobs, had people come to my office in tears, write emails that are outpourings of pain.

So, let’s be clear — saving a marriage is tough work!  It requires you to set aside the pain you feel and move forward.  It means setting aside anger and resentment and choosing to relate.

Said another way, it requires us to get out of our lizard brain and back into our sensible brain.

We all have that lizard brain deep within our head.  It is the part that tries to avoid pain at all costs, the one that calculates it is easier to avoid than deal with the tough stuff.

Your lizard brain is constantly telling you what to fear, what it thinks can hurt you — which, by the way, is just about everything.  That part of you that keeps saying “but what if I try, and my spouse rejects me?” or “what if I do/say the wrong thing?” or the one that says “nothing is worth this.”

The sensible part, the one we humans pretend is really in charge, hears that deep voice, and then pretends it makes sense.  But one step back, that brain knows that 1) there are no guarantees in life, 2)  sometimes, life hurts, but that doesn’t mean we should shrink away, and 3)  there are things like family, commitment, and love, that make the pain bearable.

When you find yourself wanting to give up, to get away from the pain, take a step back.  Give yourself a chance to breathe.  Then ask “can I keep trying?”, “am I really ready to quit?”, “am I willing to really give it my best shot?”  If you decide you really want to quit, just make sure that lizard brain hasn’t hijacked the rest of you.

And when you are ready to keep on moving forward, to find a way, find your answer on how to save your marriage here.

Sometimes, It Is Just Easier To Give Up, Call It Quits. . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Couple Disconnected. . .throw in the towel, walk away.

Easier.  But better?

Let me tell you about Rod and Penny.  They had been married for 17 years when they hit a tough spot.  Both “tried to get things better,” although neither told the other.  Then, both began to truly believe that the problem was the other one.  With fingers pointed at each other, they came into my office, loaded.

They had a list of grievances.  Both were ready to unload, to have me play judge and assign fault.  I think both wanted me to tell him or her that he or she was innocent, and the whole problem with the marriage was the other.

I resisted, knowing that each had been a part of the problems.  Instead, I tried to understand what was happening to the relationship.  I listened as one would start a story, only to have the details either challenged or corrected.  Quickly, we got off-track and derailed.  The bickering was non-stop.  The animosity was far too clear.

Finally, toward the end of a session, Rod turned and said, “I’ve had enough.  It would be easier to just quit.”  The room was silent for a moment.  Then I asked, “is that what you really want?  Is that where you are?  Ready to give up?  Or are you just frustrated and feeling hopeless?”  Rod was silent.

In the midst of pain, we tend to easily confuse what would be easy and what would be useful.  We confuse what we want with wanting to stop the pain.  Caught between seeing more pain and seeing an end to the pain, we tend to want relief.  But our sight is usually a bit clouded.  Our emotions fool us into looking only at the pain, not the possibility.

I must admit, I am not much on giving up  on a marriage.  In fact, I really believe that marriages are way too important to simply quit on.  Not that I think all marriages have to stick it out.  In fact, I am clear that abusive marriages are outside of what I think should be saved.  The danger is too great.

Problem is, we live in a society that is too often looking for the “easy” answer, the less painful way.  Only to learn that it is neither easy nor painless.  In fact, part of the reason I hold so strongly to marriage is because I know the people on the other side.  The ones that threw in the towel, walked away, called it quits.

I have met VERY FEW that say “I am so glad I did that.”  In fact, the vast majority tell me quite the opposite — “why didn’t we fight harder?”

Sometimes, the seemingly easy path is really the most dangerous path.  And what looks like the most painful path is, indeed, the better way.