connection – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Fighting for… Connection

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg December 11, 2019 December 6, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 11, 2019

“Should I even keep fighting for my marriage?”, asks “G.”

Oof, that word… “fighting.” I hear it often. But so many times, when someone says they are “fighting for” their marriage, they end up “fighting against” their spouse. The spouse who doesn’t see how to move forward.

Which is rarely helpful for the process. But I watch person after person “suit up” to do battle, not even sure on what they are fighting.

So, let me clarify that with the question from “E.” She asked why I always talk about connection… not romance, playing “hard to get,” doing “No Contact,” or reverse psychology.

Those two fit together… the “fighting” part and the “connecting” part. You are fighting for connection! For some very specific (and deeply rooted) reasons.

I discuss both in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

The 3 Dimensions of Connection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 4, 2017

Connection is the lifeblood of marriage. In fact, we are wired for deep connection. And while the connection works best within the marriage relationship, it is not singular.

Many couples find connection in only one or two areas, missing that second or third dimension of connecting. Often, over time, this begins to eat away at the connection a couple shares.

Disconnection tends to breed disconnection. When there are areas missing, they begin to chip away at the other areas.

But connection tends to breed connection. As you work to reconnect, and as you focus on all three dimensions, there is a multiplying effect. Connection deepens and broadens, leading to more and more connection.

Listen to this week’s podcast to discover the 3 Dimensions of Connection.

(If you need more help with connection, CHECK OUT THIS TRAINING. And if you want a System for connection, GRAB THE SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM.)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Immutable Law of Marriage: Connection Is The Lifeblood

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 24, 2016

Maybe couples take it for granted. Maybe they never knew. And maybe they never knew because it was always there. It was what led to being in love, to wanting to be together. When it is there, you forget how important it is. When it is gone, you realize your marriage is in deep trouble — but often only when it hits a critical turning point.

What is it?

Connection.

If a marriage loses connection, the marriage loses the lifeblood.

A friend of mine almost died from a heart attack. His arteries were nearly clogged — and he never knew it! Slowly, over time, the arteries were more and more clogged. Sure, he got breathless. But isn’t that just a part of aging? Sure, he was tired. But wasn’t his job stressful?

The critical incident only required a little clot to blog the rest, and down he went! He is fortunate to be alive.

And now, once the blockage was cleared, he is feeling great. He is back to exercising and an active life. Why? His blood flow is restored.

The lifeblood of your marriage? Connection. If it is blocked off, your marriage is in trouble.

The Immutable Law of Marriage: Connection is the lifeblood of your marriage. Listen to the podcast for what that means and how to restore circulation.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Escape The Perception/Connection Trap

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 16, 2016

It is not about “communication,” no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist). Most people communicate just fine. They have another issue: perception. How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue.

And then the trap is laid.

Perception and connection. They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall into disconnection.

I call it the Perception/Connection Trap. You have perceptions of each other (that are always at least partly fictional), and you have some level of connection. When your perceptions of each other are poor (negative), your connection begins to falter. When you are feeling disconnection, your perceptions grow more negative. Which leads to further disconnection. Which leads to further negative perceptions.

The spiral downward.

The bad news is this pattern traps many couples into a painful marriage crisis.

The good news is that you can escape the Perception/Connection Trap. And the great news is that you can use the reverse of the cycle to re-grow the connection and the relationship.

Learn how in this week’s podcast trying (and if you find it helpful, please use the SHARE buttons below).

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

The Bonding Code with Bob Grant

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 13, 2015

Did you know there is a science to bonding?

“Bonding” is what happens when people arrive at the place where they are so connected that they want to be together forever.

Here’s the problem: many people think they have successfully bonded — but they aren’t! The proof is how many marriages get into trouble.

But there is a pattern, a path, a code to bonding. And while you may not navigate each stage, you will pay the price later on. The bond won’t hold.

Sometimes, I try to use Crazy Glue. You know that stuff that is supposed to hold something together forever? Well, in my experience, it doesn’t work — or should I say, I don’t get it to work!

I have to make a confession: I don’t really follow the directions. They are there on the container. You are supposed to clean and prep each side, place some on each side, hold them together, blah, blah, blah.

You see that “blah, blah, blah?” We do the same thing with relationships. Yes, there is a science, and yes, there is a path. But instead of following it, a couple says, “We’ve got this. We know how to do it.”

Strangely, since they have never done it before, I am not sure why they think they “have it.” No surprise that down the road, there is trouble. The “bond” doesn’t hold the two together.

Can it be fixed?

Yes.

Rebonding is possible. But if you are working on re-bonding, maybe it is time to follow the instructions.

Join me, as I interview relationship expert, Bob Grant, on The Bonding Code.

We discuss the process of bonding, and what to do when that process is in trouble.

RESOURCES:
The Bonding Code
Podcast Episode: The Truth About Attraction

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

The Science of Saving Your Marriage: #65 Save Your Marriage Podcast

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 13, 2014

Sometimes, it all just seems like opinion. Lots of people with lots of opinion on what you should do to save your marriage.

But what DOES science tell us about saving your relationship?

It turns out, LOTS.

Today, I want to cover one small piece of the puzzle. This is one piece of research you can IMMEDIATELY apply to your relationship.

Better yet, you can apply this researched response, regardless of what your spouse chooses to do (or not do).

This one piece of information was proven to be 94% accurate in predicting whether a couple stays together or divorces. That’s pretty strong evidence!

Listen, and start applying today!

If you are ready for even more help, all based on the most current science of relationships, email me at [email protected] and I will link you up!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

5 Myths of Connection: #60 Save Your Marriage Podcast

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 8, 2014

“What happened?,” Julie asked me. “We were so in love! We got married, and everything was perfect. I just thought it would be easy from there!”

Then, Julie began to tell me a story about growing careers, a big social life, passionate pursuit of hobbies, and then children. Three. All within 5 years.

One day, when the youngest had just started school, Julie’s husband dressed for work, dimpled his tie, turned toward Julie and said, “I’m not happy, you are not happy. This is not working.” Then, he left.

Julie was shocked that he was so matter-of-fact. Could he really drop that emotional grenade and head to work, acting as if nothing happened? Julie reeled through the day, lost in her painful thoughts. Hadn’t they been in love at one point? Wasn’t this supposed to be “happily ever after?”

Then, Julie saw flashes. Times when each chose something else — a hobby, an activity, friends, work, children, even the iPhone, over spending time with each other. Julie realized they had stopped kissing goodnight, stopped holding hands at church, and stopped telling each other about their days.

Oh, Julie had known this. But she kept telling herself, “When the kids are older. . . ,” “When he gets that promotion. . . ,” “When the triathlon is over. . . ,” “When summer/fall/winter/spring comes. . . .” She just knew they could reconnect then.

But after each new stage of life, they just continued on the well-worn path of disconnection.

Julie and her husband had drained their battery of connection. Sure, it was well-charged when they married. But they kept draining it over the years, neither noticing the battery was nearing being drained. Then one day, Julie’s husband spoke a truth they both knew: they were disconnected. In fact, they were so disconnected that he could say the words and go to work. He might have know Julie would be caught off-guard. But he was disconnected enough that he didn’t care.

Connection is like your cellphone battery. It may carry you through a day or so. But the more you drain the batter, the longer it will take to recharge. Keep draining it, and at some point, it will simply shut down.

Let’s look at the 5 myths of connection in this week’s podcast. See if you are falling into the myths — and headed for trouble.

If you are already there, please grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

If you want even more advanced training, drop me a note: [email protected]

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

What Is Important In Life?: Lessons from the summer

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 5, 2011

Wow! What a busy summer! My guess is it is no different for you. I always remember summers as a child. The days flew by, but time slowed down. It seemed that the world moved at a different pace.

I have been on several trips this summer, first on a mission trip with my daughter and then on a Boy Scout trip with my son. In the meantime, my daughter went away for a language immersion program and the rest of the family took a break together on vacation. Suddenly, I turn around and realize my blog sits without comment since May.

But all summer, I have been reflecting on what is important. I spent my mission time in the Dominican Republic, a lush land that is quite poor. The Scouts trip took us to the Bahamas, a harsh environment with great wealth. And in between, I had 1 1/2 days to clean up, rest, and fly out again. In other words, I was in each environment within about 48 hours of each other.

There I am in the DR, meeting people who were hugging me, offering our group gifts, and seeing people in the cities and villages sitting together. What emerged was the deep love and support of the people. Then the Bahamas, with $20 million homes isolated on an island. People created rules to keep others off “their” beaches. LOTS of wealth, not so much community.

Let me be clear that these are general themes, and don’t apply to everyone. But let me also say that although general, it was sure obvious to me.

So, what does matter? That thick bank account, nice boat, nice car, beautiful house? Or connection, support, relationships?

When my daughter returned from her journeys, she told us about the plaza in the village where she spent several weeks. Everyone gathered there in the evenings, swapping stories and sitting together. We talked about how absent that often is in the United States. We are more likely to build fences than to sit together.

In spite of the fact that we are clearly social beings. We are obviously made to be in relationships.

What about marriage? How often do marriages end because a couple stopped attending to what was important: the relationship. Instead, they focused on gathering stuff, raising kids, chasing pursuits.

A study several years back examined spouses and communication. It found that couples spend talking, when you take out the calendar issues and reporting on administrative issues, less than 4 minutes per day. Go out on a date one evening and talk for 1/2 hour — you just wiped out a week’s worth of conversation!

Why do marriages find themselves in trouble? Couples stop connecting, stop communicating, stop sharing. Slowly, the need finds other places to be. Then one day, they look at each other and realize the disconnection is deep.

What is important? My vote is “relationships.” How about your vote?

Video: How Can We Protect Our Marriage?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 26, 2011

Marriages get into trouble when they are not protected. And marriages that are recovering must protect the marriage, so that it can keep growing. Marriages that are doing well STILL need to protect their relationship, in order to prevent problems.

This video can help you protect your marriage from problems, and help recover from problems, by helping you learn how to protect your relationship.

How To Save A Marriage Through Connection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 24, 2011

“What IS the secret to saving a marriage?” I am asked that marriage on a daily basis. In fact, just this morning, I was speaking with “Donna.”

She asked the same thing: “We are in deep trouble, and I didn’t even know it! We have 2 kids, and hectic lives. I knew we weren’t connecting much, but I didn’t know we were headed for trouble. . . until he asked me for a divorce!”

I have heard the same story over and over. People get married, get settled into life, and get into trouble. Whether is is kids, jobs, school, hobbies, friends, or some other distraction, life pulls at us.

The real issue? Connection. Simple as that. Connected marriages weather the storms. Disconnected marriages wither and die.

Donna told me about the signs that she missed along the way. She told me that all she wanted now was to save her marriage. Problem was, her husband had completely disconnected.

But truth is, their marriage problems started some time ago, when they stopped feeding and watering the relationship.

So, confession time: I have killed a few houseplants in my time. All unintentional. But still, the dead remnants have ended up in the trash more than once (or even twice).

So what happened? That plant was nice and green when I brought it in! I found what I thought were perfect spots for the plants, and they certainly looked good sitting there. . . for a while.

Oh, sure, at first, I made sure they were watered and had fertilizer sticks put in. But at some point, I forgot how long it had been since I had replaced the stick.

Then, at some point, I didn’t tend to the watering quite so carefully. Usually, I realized it, and got back to watering. The wilting plant would spring back to life!

But I noticed a leaf or two would drop. The drought had affected it!

I would then start slipping back into old habits, until the dirt was poor and dry.

Then, there came a point when I could not catch up! I could not bring the plant back to life! It had withered and died.

My point is, marriages are a lot like the plants. They need to be tended, kept up. Watered, fertilized, placed in healthy spots.

What is the water and fertilizer of marriage? So glad you asked!

Connection. Connection with each other. You see, we humans are made to be in connection, in relationship. We NEED someone else for our connection needs to be met.

But we forget that is natural, and assume that need is unnatural, dependent, even codependent! That causes us to stop connecting.

Oh, it is certainly innocent, at least at first. But over time, when we don’t feel we are getting connection, we stop giving connection.

And we literally starve the relationship!

Until it cannot recover.

Don’t keep waiting! Decide you will reach out and connect. Decide you want to move toward your spouse. Decide NOT to worry about how your spouse is NOT moving toward you.

If you want to know more on how to save your marriage, please take a look at Save The Marriage.