how to save my marriage – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Your Spouse Isn’t…

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 30, 2022 November 29, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 30, 2022

Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be. How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse. Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be.

There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there. You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation. And we don’t use it when someone is doing what we want. It is when they are not.

As I have discussed in other episodes, expectations almost always end badly. It is a dead-end street that does nothing useful for any relationship. But especially a marriage!

I often watch couples (or one spouse) struggle with wanting things a spouse cannot give. And when that happens, it slowly moves a marriage to hurt, resentment, disappointment, and even disdain.

All because of an expectation that can’t be met.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I look at 5 things a spouse is NOT (and cannot be). Then, we spend some time discussing what a spouse CAN be (once you get past the disconnection and hurt).

Listen below.

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When to Talk?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 7, 2022

You’ve taken steps to save your marriage. And it seems to be working! Things are improving. The ice is melting. Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there.

And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend. But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues — is a big concern. If you ask too soon, do you risk a setback?

A podcast listener recently sent in a question about that. Her anxiety has been building about their progress. She can see the signs. But what about that “elephant in the room?” Is it time to address it?

In this episode of the podcast, I respond to “S” to bring some clarity to the question, “When to Talk?”

You can listen below.

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Limiting Beliefs Blocking Your Spouse

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 4, 2022

We all have limiting beliefs. You… me… and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ’s question about how to deal with her spouse’s belief that “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.” I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

(Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE — let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I’ll try to answer!)

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Can a Marriage Turn Around Quickly?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 29, 2022

Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around… for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction. Does it take days? Weeks?? Years???

I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast.

That doesn’t mean YOUR marriage will. But it often does happen.

Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse, and then seemingly come back to life overnight?

It all has to do with a basic human need that we all have. It is the central part of a marriage, and goes so deep that when it is missing, it is painful. When it is restored (the right way), it is immediately healing. Listen below for why marriage turn quickly (and why the don’t).

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Dragging a Spouse to Therapy…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 31, 2022

The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response:

You Don’t!

(Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!)

Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary.

I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail.

But why?

There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse.

I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Discouraged? Here is what to do (5 things)…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 19, 2022

Discouraged?

You are trying to save your marriage and… you can’t get traction. You move a little ahead, only to slide backward. Steps forward and steps backward.

And that is why you are discouraged.

Am I right?

What if I told you that was the nature of the process? What if I told you that almost everyone has moments of frustration?

Most people feel like giving up (and many do) at various points in their efforts. This is not a process that follows a steady line of progress. It is more a tangled line, running up and down.

This is important work. And that is what makes it so tough. Important things often feel the most frustrating… especially when they are not going the way you want them to go. But, and let me say this again, it is important work, saving your marriage.

Let me tell you the 5 things to do when you are discouraged, to help you keep moving forward. Listen to the episode below.

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“You’ll Never Change!!”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 5, 2022

Has your spouse said that to you?: “You’ll NEVER change!”

Maybe it was at the end of yet another argument, another struggle, another disagreement. Perhaps it was at the end of another failed attempt to do things differently.

If you have tried to change and have failed (meaning, every single human alive!), then maybe you wonder whether it is even possible to change. Is it just too hard, too deep, too “baked in”?

Or can we actually change? Can we actually make some changes in our life to be better, do better, and love better?

Since January tends to be a month were people make (and break) resolutions, I thought that maybe we should look at the potential for change. And especially in terms of making your marriage better, of being a better partner.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I let you in on whether change is possible (it is), why people fail at it, and how to actually make real changes. Listen below.

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The Danger of a Shortcut

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 8, 2021

I admit it. The phone call got under my skin. We were traveling and I answered the call. The person asked if I was the “save the marriage guy.” I told him I was. He told me he didn’t want my System. Just the secret, the “short-cut.”

When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn’t want to go through all of that. He just needed the “trick,” the short-cut.

We went round and round for a couple more minutes.

I realized I was not going to convince him, but all the “short-cuts” he had been trying is what got him to here.

He hung up, likely still looking for the “short-cut.”

And I was left thinking. Wondering. Pondering.

And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the “trick.” Those “tricks” are all the things on the internet about “hypnosis,” “reverse psychology,” “spells,” or any of those other manipulations.

You can be efficient in your efforts. You can be effective in your plan. But not by taking the “short-cuts” that are really just tricks.

Can I tell you more about this? Listen to the podcast below.

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Is Your Crisis Hot or Cold?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 31, 2021

Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold?

Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?

During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen.

In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me. Both refused to listen to the other.

The underlying issues were the same. The emotional temperature was different. Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level. And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting.

What is the difference between the heat and the cold? How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage? Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process? The same path?

We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Listen below.

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Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Can Change

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 17, 2021

You’ve been working hard to reconnect and change yourself. You’re proud of your efforts. But your spouse just isn’t buying.

For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes — or maybe doesn’t even see the changes!

Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall? Like nothing you are doing is making a difference? Like your spouse has already judged you and won’t allow themselves to see something different?

In this episode, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn’t willing or able to see a change. Included are the times your spouse might acknowledge that there has been a change, but doesn’t trust that the change will last.

Does that describe your situation? If so, please listen. I also discuss how to shift this dynamic in your favor.

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