how to save your marriage – Page 17 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

New Years Resolutions To Save Your Marriage

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg December 31, 2012 December 31, 2012

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 31, 2012

The New Year. A time for reflecting and resolving. A time to let go of what has been and look toward what could be.

My rational mind knows that in reality, it is just another day. But my deeper soul sees something more profound.

And so, each year, I spend a good bit of the last part of the year in reflection of what has happened in the last year. I look at the good and the bad.

But I don’t stop there. I look forward to what potentials there are in the new year. What could become? What could develop? What turns can I help my life make?

My family has a tradition of picking a single word. That word represents what we want to live into. It is a word that sums up our coming year as an overall theme.

One year, I knew it was going to be busy and that my energy would be pulled in many directions. That year, I chose “breathe.” I used that as a reminder to settle down, to be present, and to let the stress fall away.

That word appeared at the top of every day on my calendar that year. And I practiced breathing, both metaphorically and physically.

My word this year remains a secret. I will reveal it to my wife and children, but to nobody else — at least until I know I am living into it!

Let me encourage you to ponder your word for the year. One single word. It will represent what you are moving into.

That may be as much “resolving” as you wish to do. But many want to have some specific resolutions, so I have a few suggestions. These are suggestions for resolutions if you are struggling with your marriage. They are powerful resolutions, though, that can be applied anywhere, in any life.

5 Resolutions to Help You Save Your Marriage

1) Resolve to be growth-oriented. See yourself as someone who is always in the process of becoming. You are not static, unable to change. You are not the “old dog,” unable to learn new tricks!

You are always growing and developing. Resolve to notice it, embrace it, and pursue it.

Take up new hobbies and pursuits. Become the better person you know you have hidden within you. Challenge yourself to be on a path of improvement and betterment.

In her book, Mindset, Carol Dweck states that we can either have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset. She notes that many of us have a fixed mindset in many areas of our lives. We come to believe we cannot change, cannot learn, and that things are “just the way they are.”

That belief is fiction.

A growth mindset is the realization that you can grow and improve in any area in your life — if you choose to!

That does not mean you can be anything you want to be, but that you can be better at anything in which you want to improve.

Oh, and with relationships, when we say our relationship is stuck and cannot change, we have adopted a fixed mindset. When we say the same about our spouse, we have placed them in a fixed mindset.

When, instead, we look for areas to learn and grow, the world opens before us. New potentials appear.

Resolve to be oriented toward growth!

2) Resolve to be expansive. I believe we can either live contractively (based in fear) or expansively (based in possibility). Be expansive.

That does not mean you will stop experiencing fear. Only that you will choose to not be steered by fear. You will not allow fear to constrict and contract your life.

Living expansively is not “living large” or “having a big head.” In fact, people do both of those when they are living constrictive lives. They are fearful of what others will think, so they compensate. They give into the fear of “what others may think.” They end up living lives that are reflections of what they only think others are thinking.

In other words, they reflect the false belief that people are watching and that what they see matters.

When we live expansively, suddenly we find new options and new creativity. When we live expansively, the world sees our potentiality and begins to move with us, not against us.

Does that mean that life will suddenly be trouble-free? No. Only that we will not be adding to our own troubles.

In marriage, when we begin to be fearful of the reactions and/or rejections of our spouse, we live contractively. When we are expansive, we are looking for more connection.

When we are living contractively, we are asking “what am I getting from this marriage?” When we are living expansively, we are asking “how can I put more into this marriage? How can I love my spouse more?”

Resolve to live more expansively!

3) Resolve to show up. Woody Allen said “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” I think we underestimate what that means. Showing up, really showing up, is being truly present. It means bringing your own greatness into the moment. (And yes, we all have greatness!)

Think of the difference between just being there and really showing up. Think of the times when people are around you, but you are only partly there. You are half-listening, looking at Facebook or texts on your phone. You are looking through the mail or at the newspaper when your spouse or children are talking to you.

Showing up is when you are talking WITH them. You are engaged and listening. You are not either pretending to listen or waiting for your turn to respond. You are engaged.

When you are showing up, you are truly engaged in the moment and with others.

What happened to a Facebook “friend” or in the newspaper is very hollow, compared to what happened to those that are with you and who love you.

A marriage in trouble often has two people who no longer really even show up with the spouse. They are there, but not truly THERE.

So resolve to show up MORE in life this year!

4) Resolve to take full responsibility. Notice that I said “responsibility,” not “blame.” Looking for blame is fairly useless and mostly unproductive. But taking responsibility for life. That is major. Life changing.

If you are in a building that is on fire, if you stand around and ask, “who did this? Who caused this fire?,” you are not likely to survive. If, however, you say “I am taking full responsibility to get myself and anyone else I can out of here,” then the situation has drastically changed.

We live in a culture that is caught up in saying, “Not me. I didn’t do this. Someone else needs to fix it.” We are surrounded by “It’s not my fault,” which then becomes “It’s not my responsibility.” Look no further than Washington, DC, for proof of this.

Taking responsibility is about accepting that you have a role in making life better. That no matter what has happened, you can determine where you end up.

Resolve to not blame yourself, but to take full responsibility for where your life leads!

5) Resolve to forgive and let go. Anne Lamott said “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” And yet, we often decide to hold onto all that old baggage. We decide to carry it around, regardless of what it does for us.
I truly believe that forgiveness is almost entirely for the benefit of the forgiver.

When I speak about forgiveness, I start having people list “unforgiveables.” These are things for which someone should simply not be forgiven. Often, the list includes things done to innocent children, but also includes murder and other grisly crimes.

I then point out that such an approach assumes the forgiveness is for the offender, not the forgiver.

It is too bad we have been infected by this belief. Because I think this is what leads us to hold onto past hurts and perceived slights. We decide to hold onto the pains and hurts, so the other person is not “let off the hook.” So instead, we just drag around the pain and memories.

What happens next? We start to blame. Then we stop showing up. Then we start living contractively. And then we stop growing.

In other words, to do the other 4 resolutions, you also have to resolve to forgive. Not for a single event, but as a belief in life.

Trust that forgiveness will release you and don’t worry that it might let the other person off the hook. In reality, it just gets you off the hook.

Oh, and notice how many marriages are in trouble because people simply will not forget. They commit to holding onto the hurts and slights that are a side-effect of living with another person in such intimacy.

Resolve to forgive more this year!

My hope for you this New Year is that you will find more and more of life in your life. You will find more and more connections in your connections.

I wish you a grand New Year!

If you haven’t already, I invite you to grab my Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE.

Secrets To Save Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 18, 2012

As you may suspect, after a quarter century of working with couples, I have some opinions on what it takes to save your marriage. In this article, I want to take a look at some of the research and offer some opinion, from my experience, on what works and what doesn’t.

Let me start by saying there is one major distinction between marriages that are saved and marriages that end: ALL of the marriages that are saved have someone who took action.

Just for clarity and disclaimer information — I am not under the delusion that every marriage can be saved. But I do believe that many more marriages could survive and flourish, if given the chance.

But often, a spouse doesn’t want divorce, but doesn’t know what to do. So, the spouse starts on a process of education. He or she reads, listens, watches, and learns. . . and then does nothing to change the relationship. Knowledge is only power when it is applied.

Then there are those that find lots of information — and some of it is conflicting. So they start in one direction, then read something else and start in another direction, then hear something and head off in another direction. Instead of doing nothing, they do everything!

The person who does nothing is showing the spouse that he or she doesn’t care — even though that is completely untrue. Certainly not a sentiment you would want to portray.

The person who does everything appears inconsistent and manic. Often, this becomes proof to the spouse that things really are bad — and their spouse is erratic. Imagine, for instance, that one piece of advice says to be warm and welcoming. You do that for a couple of weeks. Things don’t change, so you read about trying to make your spouse jealous and make them feel your absence, so you reverse your actions 180 degrees. Don’t you think your spouse will be thoroughly confused?

So let me suggest you find the best advice possible, something that agrees with your gut, and then stick with it, applying it to the best of your abilities!

Which brings me to secret #1: Be consistent in your approach — and be sure the approach is not being passive!

How to Save Your Marriage

It is my advice that you NOT work on making your spouse jealous. I have seen that advice all over the internet. And let me tell you a secret: NONE of that was written by a qualified professional.

It was written to make someone feel better on taking out their anger on a spouse. That part of you that is hurt and angry? In some ways, we want to hear about how the best action is to go have fun, to “teach them a lesson.”

But the lesson it teaches? “I have moved on.” That, I would suggest, is not a winning strategy for showing “I love you and want our marriage to work.”

Which leads me to secret #2: People who save their marriage set aside their momentary feelings for a greater good. Because there are going to be times when your hurt leads you to want to lash out. You will WANT to give up. But if your mind is committed to saving your marriage, don’t let your emotions pull you off-course.

My wife uses the phrase, “consult your plan, not your feelings.” In other words, once you have formulated a plan, then stick with it, even when your feelings are telling you differently.

Watch this video for some more help on this:

Save Your Marriage

Your secret #3? Assume you WILL save your marriage. In other words, instead of always questioning what is possible, just decide you will do exactly that: save your marriage.

I teach SCUBA diving in the local area, and my partner in teaching starts out our first class with one request from participants: PMA. Positive Mental Attitude. In class, we ask the students to stretch themselves. After all, it is not second-nature for us to breathe under water. And some of the exercises requires the student to get beyond the fear. Not to get rid of the fear, but get beyond the fear.

So we ask participants to refuse to play the “I can’t” tapes in their mind, and choose instead to say “I can.” It is incredible to me to watch people talk themselves through an exercise by using that phrase over and over.

It is the same in dealing with a crisis. I get letter after letter from people asking “can I save my marriage?” I only want two changes. First, I want someone to say “I CAN save my marriage.” Then, I want the person to ask “how can I save my marriage?” Suddenly, a shift has happened.

Tips to Save Your Marriage

At this point, you have hopefully made some shifts in your thinking. Now you know it is possible to save your marriage. But you may need some nudges on where to go from here.

Secret #4: Saving a marriage is about a) reconnecting and b) working on yourself. Both are required.

Marriages get into trouble because there is too little connection in the marriage to sustain it. A lack of connection leads to what John Gottman refers to as the 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse.

These “Horsemen” are traits of communication that arise between distressed spouses. Here they are:

1) Criticism – One or both begin to be overly critical and attacking about perceived shortcomings. Forgiveness begins to wane.

2) Contempt – Then arises the sense of contempt that one or both holds for the other. Contempt is marked by only seeing the worst in the other and becoming suspicious about every action from the other.

3) Defensiveness – The contempt is felt and experienced as attack, which leads to a defensive reaction. And when we are defensive, we have a very difficult time seeing our own role in the process

4) Stonewalling – The defensiveness leads to the final marker. When we realize we cannot talk something out, we choose not to interact. We stonewall, refusing to communicate to the other.

Click Here for a video of Gottman discussing this.

To be clear, most marriages have, at some point, elements of these “4 horsemen.” But the more distressed a relationship becomes, the more consistent these patterns become, until the patterns are engrained and automatic.

Which calls for the process of reconnecting. As marriages reconnect, there is less and less of the pattern. And self-improvement allows for one to acknowledge a truth of being human: we all have room to grow and improve. We all have places where we have allowed our more fearful brains to take over and hold us hostage.

Time to reconnect and time to grow!

Ways to Save Your Marriage

Let me provide a little insight on how to start the process with a video I created:

There are a couple of important details. First, notice I do not suggest you sit down and have a “heart-to-heart” with your spouse. It will fail. You will not talk your spouse out of feeling that the marriage is in trouble.

But more than that, when you are talking about the relationship, you are no longer relating. And when you are not relating, you are not connecting. So, give up on that big relationship talk you have been rehearsing in your mind.

Second, don’t panic. Resist begging, demanding, guilting, or any other negative display of emotion. You don’t have to appear cheerful. Being sad is fine, but large expressions of emotion generally only prove the point to your spouse: they need to get away. So resist. Stay calm.

Stop Your Divorce

That, in my mind, is only step one. Stopping the legal process is the beginning point to building a marriage that you treasure — that both of you treasure! When you get to that point, then your marriage is sustainable for the long-term. More than that, it will be nurturing to both of you. And both of you will protect it.

If you are ready to really create a plan, to really get serious about marriage, I invite you to grab my Save The Marriage System. You CAN save your marriage, even if you are the only one wanting to right now!

Showing Up. REALLY Showing Up!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 16, 2012

My travels are finally over for a bit. Another trip to California for more personal/professional development. I spend a good bit of my time trying to stay at the top of my game, and with the latest developments in this arena.

I have now been back for 4 days, and my brain is clearing from the time change. I still wake up in the middle of the night, but it is getting better.

Good thing, too, since I just launched a new virtual magazine, Thriveology Magazine. If you have an iPad, give it a look!

But there is another reason it is a good thing my brain, mind, and body are just about in the same time zone. That reason is because in my personal and professional life, I really strive to be right there, right in the moment.

How often do we just go through the motions. You know what I mean? We sit in front of the computer (or tablet or phone or TV), lost in the media. We check our email, check our texts, follow the links, change the station, toss back some chips. . . and suddenly, hours have passed.

In other words, while our body is there, we have yet to show up!

At the last conference, Brendon Burchard really pushed us on this one. He challenged us all to Show UP! This means to fully be ourselves, to be present, to really bring our greatness to the world.

Now, before that word, “greatness,” throws you off, let’s talk.

I truly believe we all have greatness within us.

That doesn’t mean we are always showing the world our greatness. Only that it is really in there. (Some of us cover it up very well!)

Your greatness is what others love in you. It is what your spouse came to love within you. And that is the problem. When marriages get into trouble, it is usually true that one or both have quit showing up.

Oh, sure, you may both be in the same room. But that is not the same as showing up. Showing up is about being present, of showing yourself, of focusing on the other.

What would that look like for you? How can you show up? How can you show up MORE? (And we can ALWAYS show up more!)

When your spouse is talking, do you focus on your spouse? Do you listen, showing your interest?

And if you are not interested, why are you not interested?

Quick answer: if you are not interested any longer in what your spouse is sharing, you have disconnected a part of yourself. You have stopped showing up.

Reconnect with that part of yourself and you will reconnect with your spouse. Guaranteed.

If you have an inner voice shouting, “why can’t my spouse SHOW UP?”, demand that voice go away. You have no control on how your spouse is showing up. But you do have control over how YOU show up. So SHOW UP!

Marriages are saved by our connection, or reconnection, with our better selves. When we demand of ourselves to show up, to be present, we bring ourselves to the relationship in a new way. And guess what? That new way is much more inviting, much more attractive.

And guess what? Life is ALWAYS better when we truly SHOW UP!

Rule #6 To Save Your Marriage: Give Up on “What Should Be”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 21, 2012

What should a marriage be? What should your spouse be like? How should he/she treat you? What should you have done to save your marriage?

Do you hear those questions float around in your heads? They are all useless.

“Should” is a very dangerous world. It is based in wishful thinking that never happens.

“I should go to the gym” is very different than “I am going to the gym.” “I shouldn’t eat that dessert” is a far cry from “I am not going to eat that.”

Should and shouldn’t — useless. Don’t use them. Ever. You really shouldn’t. 🙂

Why is it these words are so useless? Because they are based in a part of the mind that is not convinced of any change. It is a reflection of some thought in your mind that is not really even yours — something you should do. It is external to what you will do.

Where does your idea of what a marriage “should” be come from? It is not based on what your marriage is, so it is not based in reality. It may be based on what you see or saw in your parents or grandparents, with friends, in a book, on a movie, or anywhere else.

But it is not based on what “is.” Nor is it likely to be based on what is coming.

“We should have a better marriage” is not an action plan. It is simply wishful thinking. You may either hope for that, or chastise yourself and your spouse for not having it. But it is not moving you toward it.

That does not mean that I think things cannot change. Quite the opposite. I deeply believe in the capacity for change, growth and transformation.

It is just that people and situations will not change based on “should.”

In my office, on a daily basis, I hear the word “should” over and over. “I should. . .” and “we should. . .” echo throughout the day. Sometimes, I just count how many times I hear it. Sometimes, I ask the person to restate it as “I will. . .” or “we will. . . .” Interestingly, many people who say “should” are unable to say “will.”

“Will” is based in exactly that, our “will.” It is based in action and direction. It puts us on the hook. We either have to act, or we have to admit we did not. “Should” keeps us off the hook, even if the answer is “right.”

Is that voice in your head asking “so what should I do instead?” See? That word is so sneaky.

Let’s change it: “What could I do instead?”

I LOVE that change! “Could” and “can” have potential. Especially when followed with “this is what I will do.”

So let’s start with what “is.”

Where is your relationship right now? Where are you starting from? Be specific. Accept that where you are is where you begin.

Think of it as the “present perfect.” No, not a grammar lesson. But a truth about life. The present is perfect.

Not perfect, as in “without blemish,” but perfect in the sense that it exactly reflects the actions and circumstances that get us to here. The present is a perfect reflection of where we have been.

Good and bad, it is a match of where we are. That includes our relationship. A marriage, at this instant, is a perfect reflection of all that has happened up until now.

If we ignore our spouse, it is strange to be surprised that our hurt and disconnected spouse reacts to that.

If we work to stay connected to each other, then a relationship that reflects connection and commitment is where we find ourselves. The present reflects the path that got us to here.

Don’t like where you are? Change the path!

Is your marriage disconnected? Is your relationship conflicted? Is your marriage out of balance?

Assess your role in this. What have you done to contribute to the current situation?

If you say “nothing,” you have either married a sociopath, or you are ducking responsibility. Oh, and if you answer “I married a sociopath,” then I have to ask, aren’t you responsible for doing that?

So, let me ask again, so you can reflect, what is your responsibility in where your relationship is now?

Accept that has been a part of what has gotten the relationship to where it is. Not the whole. There are two in this.

Another hard one to accept: you have capacity to change only one part of the equation — you. No need to start with “yes, but my spouse ______.” That is especially true if the sentence continues with “my spouse should _________.”

Now, for a moment, imagine what your marriage could be about. Not what it should be, but what it could be. Similar, but not the same. You see, could has potential.

Imagine that, and let’s start building toward that.

If you can’t figure out what it could be, please grab my Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE.

Knowledge Is Power. . . NOT!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 27, 2011

Have you heard that before? Knowledge is power? Trust me, after spending over 9 years, post college, in graduate school, I believe that information has power.

Problem is, too many people forget one thing: knowledge that is not applied is useless. Knowledge is NOT power. Applied knowledge, THAT is power!

On a daily basis, I hear from people who want to save their marriage. Just this morning, a gentleman asked me for “a few pointers” to save his marriage. I referred him to my Save The Marriage System. But I get the feeling that he just wanted a couple of points.

He wanted the “magic knowledge.” And that is what sometimes worries me. Are you ready to take action? Or have you been seduced by society’s obsession with “the easy answer.” Most easy answers are not even answers. But more than that, how many people even apply them?

All I have to do is look at my bookcase at all the “information” available to me. Wow! I have a solution for many problems. . . and they would probably work — if I applied the information!

My point is, sometimes we get so caught up in chasing information that we never take the next step — action.

Are you wanting to save your marriage? Stop a divorce? Improve your relationship?

Do yourself a favor: once you have some information you trust, spend some time implementing and trying it out. Don’t keep looking for more information. Try it out!

About 6 months ago, I got serious about really getting into shape. I found some information I trusted. And I applied it. Want to know what happened? I lost weight, got fit, and am now in the best shape of my life.

Several people asked me what I did. I told them. Some even got the book. One joked “I read it and nothing happened. Do you mean I have to do something different?”

Indeed, knowledge is NOT power. Applied knowledge, THAT is power! Get the information you need, then take action! A new year and new life awaits you!

Ready to change your life and your marriage? Grab this information and save your marriage!

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
–Albert Einstein

Saving Your Marriage: What Does Pavlov Have To Do With It?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 9, 2011

Remember Pavlov and his dog? In this famous experiment, Ivan Pavlov would ring a bell and then feed his dog. He repeated this process over and over, and then he just rang the bell. No food. Remember the dog’s response? He still expected the food and started salivating!

We can all be clear that Fido was not sitting there thinking “dinner bell just rung, so here comes my dinner!” Yet that is exactly what his body was doing, getting ready for dinner.

Are we so different than the dog? Oh, sure, we can think in words, so we can do a little reasoning. But we are still creatures of conditioning. When we go to a movie, popcorn suddenly sounds good. When we hear the icecream truck, we start thinking about how good that icecream would taste (Talk about a business taking advantage of Pavlov’s research! Kids salivating at the ringing of a bell!), when we hear the angry tone in our spouse’s voice, our stomach tightens.

See how I dropped it in there? Indeed, Pavlov and his dog have a great deal to do with our marriage. And here, they have a good bit to do with our saving our marriage.

You see, we condition each other in a marriage. Over time, it is as if both of us are Pavlov, and each of us is the dog, simultaneously. At the same time I am being conditioned, I am conditioning.

**SIDE NOTE: if you are not familiar with the term “conditioning,” it is a term from psychology that talks about how a behavior is structured by a set of inputs. When I “condition” my dog to sit on command, I get him to sit, then reward him. First input, my command to sit. First response (hopefully), he sits. Second input, I reward him. Second response (if all has gone well), he learns that if he sits on command, he gets a treat!**

Now let me be very clear here. I am NOT calling your spouse a dog. I AM stating that we humans also respond to this “stimulus-response conditioning.” In fact, we have so much coming at us that we do many things on automatic, as we just can’t think through everything. So, our brain takes shortcuts. We learn a response, and we use it over and over. Sometimes, it is helpful. Sometimes, it is not.

Imagine for a moment that you are sitting at the table, working on the bills. In walks your spouse with what you interpret as a scowl on their face. Without really processing it, your brain notes that it has seen that look before, and things did not go well. So, trying to shortcut the problem, you say “what’s wrong with you?” What you might not notice is something your spouse noticed: a little edge in your voice. Ouch!

“Nothing is wrong. Why do you always assume something is wrong?” Already, you have been trying to figure out how to get the bills to fit into the money available, and already have some adrenaline running through your system. And that is all it takes. Each of you have a bit of fuel thrown onto your flames.

In seconds, a quiet afternoon erupts into a relational wildfire. And as both of you keep digging into your bag of learned tricks, you find more and more fuel to dump on the flames. Soon, every weakness, slight, and pain from the years of your relationship are heaped onto the table. And there seems little way out.

Sound familiar? Change the circumstances just a bit. Do they fit the pattern for you? Or perhaps you have followed that path so many times that you have another conditioned response: silence. Freezing silence to prevent the fire. It just doesn’t seem worth it anymore.

One of the things we humans do not like to admit is how much we work on automatic, how much we are conditioned to respond. We pretend that only animals are that easily influenced. Somehow, our higher capacity of thought is supposed to keep that from happening(!), but nothing is further from the truth! MUCH of our lives is run on a simple “stimulus-response” capacity.

So why not use that to your advantage? Why fight it? Instead, befriend conditioning and make it work FOR you!

First, consider what ALL the research shows: positive conditioning is MUCH more powerful than negative conditioning. In other words, if you want to try to use conditioning, reward the behavior you like. . . and ignore the behavior you don’t like. You see, when you give negative conditioning, you are still conditioning FOR the behavior.

Let’s think back to the toddler years. A child is walking through the aisles of the store, sees a toy he MUST have, and tries to get you to buy it. You refuse. He melts down, goes to the floor in tears, and wails as if he is on the edge of death. You:
a) grab that toy and buy it (positive conditioning for negative behavior),
b) grab that boy and drag him out of the store (negative conditioning for negative behavior, showing him that his fit DID get a response),
c) stare at him quietly, giving no cues to what you think, but giving him that slight “you look foolish, and it ain’t working” bemused look.

Outcome to a): he will throw a fit whenever he wants something. Outcome to b): he will throw a fit when he wants your attention. Outcome to c): he learns that the fit does not work, so he gives it up.

Application: when your spouse does something you like, let him/her know it, loud and clear! If your spouse does something you don’t like, as long as it falls short of abuse or danger, ignore it.

Back to the bill-writing episode of the spouse with the scowl. Why even respond? If something is wrong, isn’t it up to that person to address it, bring it to your attention? Otherwise, we are training our spouse that we will try to read their mind — a recipe for disaster!

Assume that, unless your spouse approaches you about what is behind that scowl, it is their issue. It is up to them to address, not up to you to discover. Let it go, and move on. Remember, you are conditioned, too. And you need to recondition yourself.

Second, notice when you are automatically reacting. Look for it. Here are some places to look:
a) when you are repeating the same arguments, and they start the same way,
b) when you find yourself wondering why your spouse is not responding to some action, expression, or tone you are using (maybe they read this first!).
c) when you feel your gut tightening, a sure sign that you are caught by some pattern.

Marriages do not suddenly fall apart. They are taken apart, brick by brick. Pattern after pattern, conditioned response after conditioned response, the foundation is taken apart. And marriages are not saved in an instant. They are rebuilt brick by brick. But the rebuilding starts when someone decides to stop acting on automatic.

Can A Separation Really Save A Marriage?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 30, 2011

Were you watching the Today Show this morning? After a Wall Street Journal article, a segment on how a separation saved a marriage was on.

Which means that countless couples this morning are contemplating separation. Some are hoping it will save their marriage. Others simply want justification to get out (“let’s separate and see if that helps”).

The stories noted above are about a couple that wrote a book about how their separation saved their marriage. The danger is in the extrapolation: “it can save your marriage, too.” And in a VERY limited number of cases, they may be right. But in the vast majority of couples, a separation is exactly what I have been calling it for years: “a dress rehearsal for divorce.”

Let me be a bit more blunt: not everyone dies from cancer. Many survive. That doesn’t mean I want to take a risk and get cancer! I’d rather avoid it altogether.

That said, I have worked with couples that have separated and gotten back together. It is just my opinion that this is really a last ditch effort. Sometimes, one person insists and there is nothing more that can be done. The separation is going to happen, and one has to bend to the will of the other.

In that case, I have a few suggestions.

1) If possible, opt for an in-house separation. That means that you stay in separate bedrooms, and create boundaries of separation. For example, you may agree that after dinner (or after work, or whatever you decide), you will go to your “neutral corners.” That often gives the emotional distance necessary to cool off, but it keeps the family intact. It also avoids the substantial costs of the second household.

2) If you do separate, be clear about how and when you will maintain contact. If you decide to break off contact, you are taking a huge leap toward the dress rehearsal. But if you are intentional about maintaining contact, then there is somewhere to move toward. Schedule phone times, time together, etc. And be specific about it. No generalities. There is too much room for avoidance in generalities.

3) No dating during the separation. Some people argue that you should date. I would argue that during a separation, you are still married. You have vowed to be faithful, and being otherwise only multiplies the problems and divides the chances at reconciliation.

4) Have a specific time-frame. No need for a minimum, but definitely a maximum. For example, you may say “we will separate for no more than 3/6/9 months, and then sit down and decide where we are.”

5) Try to keep the family routine as normal as possible. At this point, the children need to feel that life is normal and not falling apart. Dealing with marriage issues is one part. Dealing with family issues is an entirely different piece.

6) Be civil. Kindness and politeness makes a huge difference. If you are trying to reduce the conflict, and that is the reason for the separation, then reduce the conflict. Make a conscious effort to be civil toward each other. But go one more step and look for the positive in the other person.

How To Save Your Marriage When It Hurts

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 29, 2011

Too many times, I have answered my phone to sobs, had people come to my office in tears, write emails that are outpourings of pain.

So, let’s be clear — saving a marriage is tough work! It requires you to set aside the pain you feel and move forward. It means setting aside anger and resentment and choosing to relate.

Said another way, it requires us to get out of our lizard brain and back into our sensible brain.

We all have that lizard brain deep within our head. It is the part that tries to avoid pain at all costs, the one that calculates it is easier to avoid than deal with the tough stuff.

Your lizard brain is constantly telling you what to fear, what it thinks can hurt you — which, by the way, is just about everything. That part of you that keeps saying “but what if I try, and my spouse rejects me?” or “what if I do/say the wrong thing?” or the one that says “nothing is worth this.”

The sensible part, the one we humans pretend is really in charge, hears that deep voice, and then pretends it makes sense. But one step back, that brain knows that 1) there are no guarantees in life, 2) sometimes, life hurts, but that doesn’t mean we should shrink away, and 3) there are things like family, commitment, and love, that make the pain bearable.

When you find yourself wanting to give up, to get away from the pain, take a step back. Give yourself a chance to breathe. Then ask “can I keep trying?”, “am I really ready to quit?”, “am I willing to really give it my best shot?” If you decide you really want to quit, just make sure that lizard brain hasn’t hijacked the rest of you.

And when you are ready to keep on moving forward, to find a way, find your answer on how to save your marriage here.

Sometimes, It Is Just Easier To Give Up, Call It Quits. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 23, 2011

. . .throw in the towel, walk away.

Easier. But better?

Let me tell you about Rod and Penny. They had been married for 17 years when they hit a tough spot. Both “tried to get things better,” although neither told the other. Then, both began to truly believe that the problem was the other one. With fingers pointed at each other, they came into my office, loaded.

They had a list of grievances. Both were ready to unload, to have me play judge and assign fault. I think both wanted me to tell him or her that he or she was innocent, and the whole problem with the marriage was the other.

I resisted, knowing that each had been a part of the problems. Instead, I tried to understand what was happening to the relationship. I listened as one would start a story, only to have the details either challenged or corrected. Quickly, we got off-track and derailed. The bickering was non-stop. The animosity was far too clear.

Finally, toward the end of a session, Rod turned and said, “I’ve had enough. It would be easier to just quit.” The room was silent for a moment. Then I asked, “is that what you really want? Is that where you are? Ready to give up? Or are you just frustrated and feeling hopeless?” Rod was silent.

In the midst of pain, we tend to easily confuse what would be easy and what would be useful. We confuse what we want with wanting to stop the pain. Caught between seeing more pain and seeing an end to the pain, we tend to want relief. But our sight is usually a bit clouded. Our emotions fool us into looking only at the pain, not the possibility.

I must admit, I am not much on giving up on a marriage. In fact, I really believe that marriages are way too important to simply quit on. Not that I think all marriages have to stick it out. In fact, I am clear that abusive marriages are outside of what I think should be saved. The danger is too great.

Problem is, we live in a society that is too often looking for the “easy” answer, the less painful way. Only to learn that it is neither easy nor painless. In fact, part of the reason I hold so strongly to marriage is because I know the people on the other side. The ones that threw in the towel, walked away, called it quits.

I have met VERY FEW that say “I am so glad I did that.” In fact, the vast majority tell me quite the opposite — “why didn’t we fight harder?”

Sometimes, the seemingly easy path is really the most dangerous path. And what looks like the most painful path is, indeed, the better way.

Video: I Can’t Get My Spouse To Go To Therapy!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 25, 2011

Many people think the only way that their marriage can be saved is through marital therapy. So, when a spouse refuses to go, you might think you are out of luck in saving your marriage. Can the marriage be saved without therapy? Absolutely!

In fact, marriage therapy has a dismal track record! At least 50% of couples who go to marital therapy still divorce (higher than the general population), and only 10 to 15% report any positive benefit!

Learn the truth in this video.