how to save your marriage – Page 4 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Surviving the “Golden Hour”

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 1, 2017 October 23, 2017

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 1, 2017

In situations of traumatic injury, first responders refer to the “Golden Hour” as the first hour (or less) after injury where proper medical care leads to the best chance of survival.

I ran into the concept in first aid training as a teenager. But I saw it in action when I was a hospital chaplain at the beginning of my career. Severe injuries with quick response often survived, when lesser injuries that were not so quickly addressed led to higher mortality.

Guess what?

It also applies to a marriage crisis.

Except it isn’t really an hour. It might be days or weeks. But what matters is how you respond in that early crisis time.

In this week’s podcast, we look at the best ways to survive that Golden Hour with the greatest change of marital survival (and thriving).

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Desire Versus Decide

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 20, 2017

“I just don’t feel it,” two people told me this week. One didn’t feel like following the plan to save their marriage. The other didn’t feel it for the spouse. One wanted to save the marriage. The other didn’t. Both were motivated by desire (or lack of desire).

Here’s the problem: desire is fickle. To say the least. Even in a strong marriage, desire for each other can ebb and flow. And even the best of us struggle with the desire to do things: exercise, eat well, clean the house, go to work, etc., etc., etc.

Which is the problem with letting “desire” be the measurement of taking action.

Is there another way?

Glad you asked! Yes there is.

It’s a word I particularly like. Decide.

“Desire” is based in an emotional state. “Decide” is a rational choice. It supercedes an emotional state. And it generally is the only reliable way we make progress in any area of life. If I wait for desire, the chances over time of desire showing up — they just keep going down. If I decide to act, I take back full responsibility for my actions.

Has desire been your motivation and measurement (or lack of motivation and measurement)? If so, let’s discuss the alternative.

RELATED RESOURCE
Go Pro
Have A Plan
Why It Matters
System To Follow

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Time To “Go Pro”. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 2, 2017

No. I don’t mean you need to call in the professionals.

Have you ever noticed the difference between an amateur/hobbyist and a pro? An amateur does something when they feel inspired. Pros do it because its what needs to be done.

I was chatting with someone who is “writing” a book. The person wants a better view, better resources, more research, and “inspiration.” That book will never get written.

My friends who are multiple book authors go about it differently. They do the writing, day in and day out, not waiting for inspiration. They manufacture the inspiration. They do what needs to be done — daily.

Or let’s say you think you should probably do something. Days pass. It remains undone. But if it were your job and your boss said, “do it by 3,” I bet it would get done. Because that’s part of being pro.

Are you taking on saving your marriage like a pro or an amateur? Do you keep doing what needs to be done? Or do you wait to be inspired?

Guess which way works.

Listen for more in today’s podcast.

Then, let’s get you the training so you are ready to Go Pro. CLICK HERE.

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The Compatibility Myth

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 7, 2017

“We’re just not compatible” has been the start of many “we can’t stay together” discussions. But is it true? Is there an issue of compatibility?

If you believe the many on-line dating profiles, that is the way you find your love: compatibility. Complete a profile, indicate what you like, and be cross-referenced for people with similar likes.

But guess what? Not much research backs that.

“Birds of a feather flock together” is no more true than “opposites attract.”

And still. . . it is the stated reason for many marriage-ending discussions.

When I hear the statement in my office, I have one central question: “What do you mean by ‘compatible.'” Suddenly, confidence in incompatibility erodes into confusion on what they even mean.

In reality, it is mostly an excuse.

People from opposite ends of the political and/or religion spectrums get along just fine. People with opposite tastes in music, food, art, and whatever other “compatibles” there are, manage happy marriages. People with few or no shared sports or activities still stay in love.

There is one area of compatibility that DOES matter. I tell you about it in this week’s podcast, along with the reasons why compatibility, for the most part, doesn’t matter for marital bliss.

And if you are ready to get beyond that “compatibility excuse,” grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

Want to know what marriage is REALLY about? LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST EPISODE.

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3 Secrets Of People Who Save Their Marriage (And YOU Need To Know)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 26, 2017

aI have watched from the sidelines as people work to save their marriage. And it strikes me that there are three secrets people who save their marriage learn and master. If you don’t know these secrets, you need to.

What are those 3 secrets?

They know the difference between Symptoms and Cause.
They know their spouse is not the enemy. (You may think you know this, too. But you may be acting the opposite.)
They know they need a plan. (Not just a thought, or an idea, but a plan.)

If you don’t know these secrets, you need to learn them. Listen to this week’s podcast below to learn the secrets.

HERE ARE SOME ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
It’s About WE
Spouse As Enemy
You Need A Plan
Get The System

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Healing Your Spouse’s Resentments

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 8, 2017

In last week’s podcast, I discussed healing your own resentments. This week, we turn to dealing with your spouse’s resentments. Let’s be clear: really, this is about helping your spouse to heal resentments. You can’t actually do the healing. You can only help.

Once you address your own resentments, you know part of the secret: resentment comes from anger, unresolved. Anger comes from hurt, unresolved and unaddressed. Which leads us back to helping your spouse find healing — tracking back to anger, but really back to hurt.

If you want to reconnect, start with dealing with resentments. Otherwise, the hurt/anger/resentment continues to poison the relationship. It is the systemic infection that keeps the marriage hurting.

Ready to do what you can to deal with your spouse’s resentments? Listen below. . .

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Action versus Distraction

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 22, 2017

A while back, I was talking with someone who was struggling with his marriage. I made a couple of suggestions. He pushed back. He said, “It’s not like I’m not doing anything!”

“Great,” I said, “Tell me what you are doing.”

“I’ve read some articles and stuff. I did some research. . . ”

He continued on for a few minutes. But I quickly realized my friend had made a crucial mistake. He had confused distraction with action. He was worried about his marriage, sure. But he was distracted. His distraction was confused with action.

Nothing was happening.

When we talked again, a few months later, his wife had left. He told me he “did everything he could.”

I asked what that was. I suspected. I was right. He spent the time in distraction. In the end, there was no action.

Are you making the same mistake?

I discuss the distractions — and the actions — in this week’s podcast.

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Fooling Ourselves. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 15, 2017

We don’t mean to, but we do. We fool ourselves. Yep, humans can be dishonest with others, but we can also be dishonest with ourselves. In fact, we do it every day.

It’s bad enough we can be dishonest with others. But ourselves? Yep. And it can sure get in the way of saving your marriage.

Usually, when we are fooling ourselves, we relieve ourselves of responsibility. And if it isn’t our responsibility, what can we do? (Or so we tell ourselves.)

Let’s talk about several ways we are dishonest with ourselves. . . and how to change that!

HELPFUL RESOURCES:
Why to Save a Marriage
You Need a Plan
Save The Marriage System

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“Where Do I Focus?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 18, 2017

Whenever I am alone on a long drive, I try to answer all the calls I can. This past weekend gave me another opportunity. I delivered my son to college and had an 8 hour drive home.

I answered a call as I was leaving the mountains. The woman on the call told me she had my System. But in the midst of the crisis, she needed some shortcut. She wanted a simple place to focus.

First, I got her to promise me she would read the whole System and apply ALL of it. She promised she was looking for real guidance. Not just a trick or easy answer.

I told her there are 2 places of focus, as far as I was concerned. If I boiled it all down, this gave her 2 “handles” to hold onto as she put her plan together and moved forward.

Sometimes, when you are under pressure, some pretty good things come out of it. My 2 words of focus for her? “Respect” and “Connect.” It was good enough that I wanted to share this with you.

Listen to the podcast below to learn what I mean (even if you don’t feel respect and aren’t feeling connected). And how to get started!

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The 3 Dimensions of Connection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 4, 2017

Connection is the lifeblood of marriage. In fact, we are wired for deep connection. And while the connection works best within the marriage relationship, it is not singular.

Many couples find connection in only one or two areas, missing that second or third dimension of connecting. Often, over time, this begins to eat away at the connection a couple shares.

Disconnection tends to breed disconnection. When there are areas missing, they begin to chip away at the other areas.

But connection tends to breed connection. As you work to reconnect, and as you focus on all three dimensions, there is a multiplying effect. Connection deepens and broadens, leading to more and more connection.

Listen to this week’s podcast to discover the 3 Dimensions of Connection.

(If you need more help with connection, CHECK OUT THIS TRAINING. And if you want a System for connection, GRAB THE SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM.)

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