Close
Enter your
text here
Posts Tagged :

how to save your marriage

Don’t Get Caught In The FOF Trap!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Avoid the FOF Trap -- Fear of Failure!There is a trap waiting. It springs on you, sometimes even before you get started with saving your marriage. That same trap is waiting for you at every point of the process. You can easily get stuck in it.

What’s the trap? I call it the FOF Trap — Fear of Failure Trap.

We humans have a disproportionate fear of failure that we can either set aside or allow to trap us.

How many actions and options have you missed because you were afraid it might not work out? How many opportunities pass us all by because we are afraid that it we might fail? Oddly, when we allow FOF to dominate, we absolutely fail and miss out.

Don’t let this trap keep you from restoring your relationship. Decide there is another option. Move boldly toward your efforts.

Listen to this week’s podcast to find out how to avoid the FOF Trap.

(Ready to move forward?  Grab the Save The Marriage System.)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

How Your Marriage Got Out of Shape
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

How did your marriage get out of shape?How did it happen?  Your marriage, how did it get into trouble?  Probably not overnight.  Sure, you can point to a crisis — a fight, an “I’m not happy” talk, an affair discovered, divorce papers served.  But that crisis didn’t just pop up.

Your marriage probably got out of shape over time.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

You HAVE To SHOW UP!: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Immutable Law of Marriage: You Have To Show Up!The body is there, but nobody’s home.  That would describe many people when their spouse is talking.  Or even when they are making love.

The shell is there.  The person?  Not so much.  They are failing to “Show Up.”  And they are violating an Immutable Law of Marriage.  If you keep failing to show up, eventually, there will be no relationship to show up for!

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who forgot to show up?  That hollow look, the lack of emotional connection, those missed facts.  It doesn’t feel too good, does it?

Which raises the question:  How often do WE fail to Show Up?  I’m afraid I miss it more than I want.  But can we show up MORE?

Absolutely.

Let’s talk about how.

And if you have missed the other episodes from the Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series, here they are:

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

“How I Saved My Marriage”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

HowYouSavedYourMarriageMany times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.

When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.

And things continue in the downward spiral.

So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination — a little Jedi mind trick.  Imagine that you DID save your marriage.  You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage.  You look forward to spending time together.  Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively.

Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage.  You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward — even in the face of frustration and difficulties.

In today’s podcast, we reflect on “what you did” to save your marriage — and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that:  Save Your Marriage.

Listen below.

(and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

3 Reasons Your Efforts Might Fail
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

WillAnythingWorkOver and over, people tell me about their “unique” situation, doubting that my System would do anything for their marriage problem.  Deep down inside, we all believe we are “special,” unique, and beyond the information that is out there.

My belief is that there are some commonalities to why marriages work.  A marriage in trouble does need to do some repair work.  But even that process is doing what works — following the “laws” of a marriage.

But over and over, I watch people hit the same spot in their efforts. . .  and fail.  I call these the Points of Failure.  There is a Primary Fail Point, which I won’t cover in this podcast.  It is big enough that it needed an extensive training that I provide for VIP members.

Another 3, though, are critical to know and avoid.  They are:

  1. Not being accountable/taking responsibility (this has NOTHING to do with blame or fault),
  2. Not having a plan/not preparing,
  3. Not following a system or approach.

These are such important points, and so easily missed.

Listen to this week’s podcast, so you understand the Fail Points, and know how to avoid them.

Important Resources:
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (if you already have the System)
Follow me on Instagram for inspiration

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Are You Owning It?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

DoYouOwnItThis post may be a bit. . . confrontational.  But let me be clear that change requires a change.  Something must shift.  A new perspective must develop.  And personal growth is part of that.

Here’s why I think this topic today is so important:  on an almost daily basis, I hear from clients by email or in phone calls.  They tell me the same line:

“I can’t help how I reacted!  My spouse (pushed my buttons/disrespected me/made me angry/hurt my feelings/said mean things/was a jerk/….”

In that mindset, the person is just a puppet, responding to the outside world, thinking that the reaction is completely justified and understandable.

Change comes when you make the change.  A different response changes the trajectory of your relationship.  At this point, ONLY YOU can do that!

So, are you owning your response?  Are you choosing your response?

Or do you continue to view your reaction as “can’t help it, makes sense, not my fault, etc., etc.”?

Time to make a shift.

Listen below to learn how.

RELATED RESOURCES
Thriveology Podcast
Interview with Jack Canfield
Save The Marriage System
Save The Marriage VIP Program

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

3 Reasons Your Spouse Doesn’t See A Change
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

SpouseDoesntSeeChangeYou’ve been working hard.  You’ve been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself.  You’ve been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily.

You feel good about what you are doing.  You believe you are gaining grown.

But then, your spouse doesn’t notice any change at all!

What happened?  Why can’t your spouse see the changes?

It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating.  But there is a reason your spouse isn’t noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes.

In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn’t see the changes.

Let’s take a look at the 3 reasons, and start creating a strategy to make those changes visible.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (If you have the System and are ready to Up Your Game)

 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Shift from “What Happened?” to “What Now?”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

WhatHappenedToWhatNowWhen a crisis strikes, we all have a tendency to get stuck in the “What Happened” loop.

We keep going over and over the details, looking for what we missed along the way, looking for the places things could be different.

Many times, we are trying to re-write history, to make it have happened differently, or not at all.  We are, in essence, looking for a way to re-write history.

Unfortunately, we can’t rewrite history.  And the process only serves to anchor us to the problems and pain.

A shift to “What Now” breaks the loop, and creates possibility and potential.  This is where change happens.  This is where reconnection happens.  This is where healing happens.

Are YOU stuck in the “What Happened?” loop?  Time to break it and shift to “What Now?”  Listen to this week’s podcast training for how to make the shift.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 C’s of Change
No Pause In Marriage
Show Up
Forgiveness
Being a WE
Grab the System

 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

“The Last Straw”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

StrawBrokeCamelBackA fight.  An affair.  An indiscretion.  An argument.  Some event.

Suddenly, someone announces “this is over.”

You may point to that event, the moment when things seemed to turn upside down.

But that event was just that:  an event.  It was a “tipping point.”  Almost always, there was a long, slow climb to the top before you “tipped over” the summit.  The straw was being piled on, before that “last straw” broke the camel’s back.

Unfortunately, people tend to get focused on that single event, pointing to the symptom.  Not the problem.

And that makes efforts ineffective.  You are aiming at the wrong target.  Deal with the problem — not the symptom — if you want to make progress.

Listen in for how.

RELATED RESOURCES:
You Need A Plan
Show Up
“Why Are We Fighting?”
We ALL Have Issues
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

3rd Biggest Mistake People Make
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

The 3rd biggest mistake people make, by trying to "get" a spouse to do something. Don't do it. Avoid this mistake when you are trying to save your marriage.There are lots of mistakes people make in their efforts to save their marriage.   This particular mistake is what I consider to be the 3rd biggest.  I hear it in the questions people send me every single week.

In fact, I hear this mistake probably 3 or more times each day.  And here is the sad thing:  the mistake is made with all the best of intentions. . . and all the worst of results.

Like all mistakes, it is avoidable.  (If something is unavoidable, it can’t be a mistake; a mistake always has an alternative that could avoid the mistake.)

I am betting you have made this mistake.  (I have.)  My hope is that, once I point it out, it will be so obvious that you will not repeat it.

RELATED RESOURCES:
3 Problems With Marital Therapy
Avoid The 3 A’s
Separation:  Will It Help?
Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Will Change
“I’ve Changed” and 3 Other Things NOT To Say
Grab the Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS