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Posts Tagged :

how to save your marriage

The War In Your Brain Is Killing Your Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't let the argument in your head trip you up!There is a war going on.  It isn’t between you and your spouse.

It is right between your ears!  Your brain is at war with itself.

Well, to be more accurate, there are two parts of your brain that are constantly at odds with each other, both looking for different things.

And the part of your brain we humans are most proud of — that rational, reasonable, logical part — is trying to play referee. . . but not very effectively!

Your lizard brain and your herd brain try to hijack you.  Each has a different desire, a different need.  And both can end up tripping you up. . . unless you understand the roles of each.  And until you learn to listen to each one.

Learn more about how the war in your head can kill your marriage — and what to do about it!

 

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Love Is A Gift, Not A Transaction!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Love is a gift, not a transaction.You try to show love to your spouse. . . and you get nothing in return.  You try to let your spouse know how much you love your spouse. . . and you get nothing back.

Let me say that I do not think it is alright to be in a relationship where none of your needs are met.

But I want to challenge you:  are you doing those things, so that your needs will be met?

If so, you are not giving love, you are trying to make a transaction: “I do this for you, so you do that for me.”

That is a recipe for hurt and pain.

Love is a gift.  And only when it is freely given can it be accepted without manipulation or expectation.

Let me say that again:

Love is a gift, not a transaction.

Sometimes, I hear a spouse complain, “I always think there are strings attached.  It feels so needy and manipulative.”  While they can’t quite put there finger on it, this is the reason.  Their spouse is doing “loving” things, but not without strings attached, expectations just below the surface.

This behavior often grows into a relationship, contaminating it.  At first, you do things because you want the other person to know how much you care.  Then, over time, it is more and more about feeling cared for.  Maybe it is a hug, hoping for a hug in return.  Perhaps it is an “I love you,” so you can be assured of an “I love you” back.  Or maybe it is a “backrub,” with hopes and pressure it will lead to more.

Love is a gift, freely given.

Transactions are for businesses and banks.

The gift of love is only felt as love, when it is given with no strings attached.

Let’s talk about it in today’s podcast!

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:
The Balance Book Marriage
Interview with Gary Chapman – Love Experiment2 Necessary Feelings
Save The Marriage System

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Treat Your Marriage Like A Baby!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Treat your marriage like a baby!Sometimes, it is helpful to have a mental image or idea in mind, to help you navigate spaces.

Marriage is an idea you don’t fully understand until you are in it.

Unfortunately, there is plenty of time to make mistakes, all while trying to figure it out.

We forget that training for marriage only happens “on the job.”  Which is why it shouldn’t be a surprise that so many people feel hurt and neglected in their relationships.

So, in this week’s podcast, I want to provide an image and consider the implications.

What if you treated your marriage (not your spouse, but the relationship) like a baby?  What would that change?  (An astute reader made this observation, and I thought it was powerful.  Powerful enough to share.)

Listen and let me know what you think!

(Ready to learn more about caring for your marriage and healing it?  Grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.)

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How To Move From Discouraged To Courageous
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How to move from discouraged to courageous.I heard it for the first time the other day.  It happened when a client was telling me about feeling discouraged.

That word, “discouraged,” hit me.

Dis-couraged.  To lose courage.

We can be discouraged, losing our courage.  We can be encouraged, taking courage in.  And we can act courageously — act, in spite of fear.

Courage is not the absence of fear.  It is choosing to act, to do what is right or good, even in the face of fear.

“Courage” comes from a Latin word, “cor,” which means “heart.”

You see, courage comes from the heart, from our core being.  Courage comes from an inner strength, an understanding of what needs to be done.

Have you been discouraged?

Learn the 6 steps back to COURAGE.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Why To Save Your Marriage
Having A Plan To Save Your Marriage
The 3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage
The Save The Marriage System
Email Me About Virtual Coaching

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What Happened To The Dream?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What happened to the marriage dream?Every marriage starts with such promise, such expectation.

Remember that day?  You promised to stick together through good and bad days, rich and poor days, sick and healthy days.

And you knew you would.

Then, things began to deteriorate.

But do you remember that time when you believed, “Not us.  We won’t have problems.  We won’t face divorce.”

And here you are.

What happened?

What happened to the dream?

There are 5 core reasons why the dream dies.  If you know the reasons, you can also begin working backward to heal the problems and. . . regain the dream.

Reclaim your dream of your marriage.

Let me tell you the 4 things you need to do in order to reclaim the dream.

Listen below.

 

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Bad Marriage Advice! Don’t Say This!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't say "I Will Change." Bad advice!There is a plethora of marriage advice out there.  Much of it promises to save your marriage.  Some of it is good.  Some is fine.  And some is dangerous.

The other day, I was reading an article by someone, proclaiming 3 words that would save your marriage.

That caught my attention!  And then, it caught my ire.  The advice was bad.

At best, the suggestion will do little to help your marriage.  At worst, it will cause more resistance to your efforts to actually save your marriage.

Here is the 3 words to NOT say:  “I will change.”  Those are the 3 words, promised to stop a divorce.

And those 3 words will either “fall on deaf ears,” or greatly increase the anger and frustration of your spouse.

Why?

I share my thoughts on this in the free audio podcast below.

If you don’t listen, at least heed my advice and avoid saying “I will change.”  Listen, though, for some better suggestions.

And when you are ready to take action, check out my Save The Marriage System.

 

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Why You Need A PLAN To Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Do you have a plan to save your marriage?Do you have a plan to save your marriage?

Not an idea, floating around in your head.

But a plan.

Written down.

I have been asking this question for years, especially when someone tells me their marriage isn’t turning around.

90% tell me they DON’T have a plan.  I tell them, “that is the starting point.”

If you don’t have a plan, you don’t have a map.  If you don’t have a map, it is tough to get to where you want to get.

I know:  you have books, CD’s, DVD’s, study courses, articles, and all sorts of other information on how to save your marriage.

Information is just data.  When you take that information and process it (think and ponder about it) about your current situation, you arrive at knowledge.  Contrary to popular opinion, knowledge is not power.  It has no power until you apply it.

When you apply knowledge, and you keep applying it — learning from it and allowing it to transform you, then you arrive at wisdom!

But if you have no plan — no written plan for how you plan to save your marriage — the information is just information.  Interesting.  But not transforming.

In this week’s audio, I discuss several reasons why a written plan is so important, and how to get started on your plan.

Remember this quote, as it applies to having a plan:

Consult your plan, not your emotions.

Whenever you allow your emotions to call the shots, you will end up with those who see no change.  But when you consult your plan (you do have a plan, right?), new possibilities emerge.

Time to make a plan!

Here are the resources I mention in the podcast:
The Save The Marriage System (if you don’t have this, you need it, so you can start making your plan!)
Finding Your Why
[email protected] (If you are interested in the Virtual Coaching Program — limited availability!)

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3 Reasons Why Your Marriage Isn’t Turning Around
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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3 Reasons why your marriage hasn't turned around yet.

Your spouse told you your marriage was in trouble.

You responded.

You did your research, perhaps found some information, and decided to save your marriage.

Now, you are beginning to wonder, “Is this marriage ever going to improve?  Will it turn around?  Can I save my marriage?”

Sometimes, people put forth some effort and see some immediate results.  They see improvement in their relationship and in their own lives.  It seems that the marriage crisis dissipates as quickly as it descended.

But others, countless others, find this not to be the case.  They put in effort, they keep working on themselves. . . and nothing seems to be changing.

Why?

In my experience, there are 3 central reasons why a marriage has not (yet) turned around.

What if you could deal with 2 out of 3 in a straightforward way?  What if the 3rd can be addressed, even if it is far less in your control?  Would that be important information for you?

Here are the 3 reasons:

  1. The Depth of Damage
  2. No True Change in Patterns
  3. There is Someone Else

Let me tell you about these 3 reasons, and what to do in order to have the most successful outcome possible.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

Save The Marriage System
Dealing With Infidelity
6 Month Experiment with Gary Chapman

 

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4 Foundations Of A Forever Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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4 foundations of a forever marriage.I’ve asked the question many times:  “What is the foundation of a strong marriage?”

I usually get the same response:  “love.”

In your mind, please now hear the “Buzzzz” sound, indicating that answer is wrong!

Please understand:  I am not opposed to love.  I deeply love my wife.  I do not believe that a loveless marriage is the aim.

I simply do not believe that love is the foundation of a strong, enduring, lasting, forever marriage.

Here is why:  when love is seen as the foundation, you have nowhere to go when the feelings of love ebb.  Those feelings DO ebb in every relationship.  It is just the nature of such intimate relationships.

And, if you want the real secret, the 4 foundations, when followed, DO lead to love (both the action and the feeling).

What do I mean by “foundation?”  Over the weekend, my wife had HGTV on.  So, by default, I was “watching” the show (I will admit to nothing more than that!).

As is prone to happen on this particular show, they tore down the walls to rebuild — and discovered that things were amiss!  The foundation was failing and the house was sinking.

The foundation is what supports the rest of the structure.  Without a strong foundation, the structure of the house (and a marriage) begins to sink and crumble.  The stronger the foundation, the safer the structure (your relationship and your family).

Here is the good news:  when you understand the foundations, you can spot the weaknesses and either rebuild or reinforce.

Ready to discover the 4 foundations of your forever marriage?  Listen below.

Note:  I mention 2 interviews in the podcast.
HERE is the link to my interview with Gary Chapman.
HERE is the link to my interview with Bob Grant.

 

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What’s Your Why?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What's Your Why?I hear the same question over and over, “How do I save my marriage?”

It’s a great question.  But there is something else you need to ask first:  “What’s my why?”

In other words, WHY are you wanting to save your marriage?  This is the starting point.

That single question is fundamental to your process, whether you are watching your marriage teeter at the edge of destruction, or if you are just starting out.

When you ask yourself “Why?”, you will discover two types of reasons.

Of these two types, only one will move you forward.  The other type will fall away.

Yet most people are using this type of “why.”  Which is why those efforts often fall short — eventually, the efforts are abandoned.

When the other type is your reason, the motivation stays.  This type of “why” serves as a GPS for you through the difficult moments.  It tells you the direction to go, as you put together your “how,” your plan to save your marriage.

Listen below to learn how to discover the reason “why” you want to save your marriage, and then how to use that in your plan to save your marriage.

Ready to learn how?  Grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.

 

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