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marriage advice

Love Is A Gift, Not A Transaction!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Love is a gift, not a transaction.You try to show love to your spouse. . . and you get nothing in return.  You try to let your spouse know how much you love your spouse. . . and you get nothing back.

Let me say that I do not think it is alright to be in a relationship where none of your needs are met.

But I want to challenge you:  are you doing those things, so that your needs will be met?

If so, you are not giving love, you are trying to make a transaction: “I do this for you, so you do that for me.”

That is a recipe for hurt and pain.

Love is a gift.  And only when it is freely given can it be accepted without manipulation or expectation.

Let me say that again:

Love is a gift, not a transaction.

Sometimes, I hear a spouse complain, “I always think there are strings attached.  It feels so needy and manipulative.”  While they can’t quite put there finger on it, this is the reason.  Their spouse is doing “loving” things, but not without strings attached, expectations just below the surface.

This behavior often grows into a relationship, contaminating it.  At first, you do things because you want the other person to know how much you care.  Then, over time, it is more and more about feeling cared for.  Maybe it is a hug, hoping for a hug in return.  Perhaps it is an “I love you,” so you can be assured of an “I love you” back.  Or maybe it is a “backrub,” with hopes and pressure it will lead to more.

Love is a gift, freely given.

Transactions are for businesses and banks.

The gift of love is only felt as love, when it is given with no strings attached.

Let’s talk about it in today’s podcast!

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:
The Balance Book Marriage
Interview with Gary Chapman – Love Experiment2 Necessary Feelings
Save The Marriage System

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Treat Your Marriage Like A Baby!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Treat your marriage like a baby!Sometimes, it is helpful to have a mental image or idea in mind, to help you navigate spaces.

Marriage is an idea you don’t fully understand until you are in it.

Unfortunately, there is plenty of time to make mistakes, all while trying to figure it out.

We forget that training for marriage only happens “on the job.”  Which is why it shouldn’t be a surprise that so many people feel hurt and neglected in their relationships.

So, in this week’s podcast, I want to provide an image and consider the implications.

What if you treated your marriage (not your spouse, but the relationship) like a baby?  What would that change?  (An astute reader made this observation, and I thought it was powerful.  Powerful enough to share.)

Listen and let me know what you think!

(Ready to learn more about caring for your marriage and healing it?  Grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.)

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Bad Marriage Advice! Don’t Say This!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't say "I Will Change." Bad advice!There is a plethora of marriage advice out there.  Much of it promises to save your marriage.  Some of it is good.  Some is fine.  And some is dangerous.

The other day, I was reading an article by someone, proclaiming 3 words that would save your marriage.

That caught my attention!  And then, it caught my ire.  The advice was bad.

At best, the suggestion will do little to help your marriage.  At worst, it will cause more resistance to your efforts to actually save your marriage.

Here is the 3 words to NOT say:  “I will change.”  Those are the 3 words, promised to stop a divorce.

And those 3 words will either “fall on deaf ears,” or greatly increase the anger and frustration of your spouse.

Why?

I share my thoughts on this in the free audio podcast below.

If you don’t listen, at least heed my advice and avoid saying “I will change.”  Listen, though, for some better suggestions.

And when you are ready to take action, check out my Save The Marriage System.

 

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Why You Need A PLAN To Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Do you have a plan to save your marriage?Do you have a plan to save your marriage?

Not an idea, floating around in your head.

But a plan.

Written down.

I have been asking this question for years, especially when someone tells me their marriage isn’t turning around.

90% tell me they DON’T have a plan.  I tell them, “that is the starting point.”

If you don’t have a plan, you don’t have a map.  If you don’t have a map, it is tough to get to where you want to get.

I know:  you have books, CD’s, DVD’s, study courses, articles, and all sorts of other information on how to save your marriage.

Information is just data.  When you take that information and process it (think and ponder about it) about your current situation, you arrive at knowledge.  Contrary to popular opinion, knowledge is not power.  It has no power until you apply it.

When you apply knowledge, and you keep applying it — learning from it and allowing it to transform you, then you arrive at wisdom!

But if you have no plan — no written plan for how you plan to save your marriage — the information is just information.  Interesting.  But not transforming.

In this week’s audio, I discuss several reasons why a written plan is so important, and how to get started on your plan.

Remember this quote, as it applies to having a plan:

Consult your plan, not your emotions.

Whenever you allow your emotions to call the shots, you will end up with those who see no change.  But when you consult your plan (you do have a plan, right?), new possibilities emerge.

Time to make a plan!

Here are the resources I mention in the podcast:
The Save The Marriage System (if you don’t have this, you need it, so you can start making your plan!)
Finding Your Why
[email protected] (If you are interested in the Virtual Coaching Program — limited availability!)

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What’s Your Why?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What's Your Why?I hear the same question over and over, “How do I save my marriage?”

It’s a great question.  But there is something else you need to ask first:  “What’s my why?”

In other words, WHY are you wanting to save your marriage?  This is the starting point.

That single question is fundamental to your process, whether you are watching your marriage teeter at the edge of destruction, or if you are just starting out.

When you ask yourself “Why?”, you will discover two types of reasons.

Of these two types, only one will move you forward.  The other type will fall away.

Yet most people are using this type of “why.”  Which is why those efforts often fall short — eventually, the efforts are abandoned.

When the other type is your reason, the motivation stays.  This type of “why” serves as a GPS for you through the difficult moments.  It tells you the direction to go, as you put together your “how,” your plan to save your marriage.

Listen below to learn how to discover the reason “why” you want to save your marriage, and then how to use that in your plan to save your marriage.

Ready to learn how?  Grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.

 

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“I’ve Changed” And 3 Other Things NOT To Say
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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4 things NOT to say.It can be frustrating.  You are trying hard to change yourself.  You are learning about yourself and relationships.  You are growing and know you are NOT like you were.

But your spouse doesn’t seem to notice.  In fact, your spouse keeps on reacting to the OLD you, even while the NEW you is doing something different.

You want to SCREAM:  “I’VE CHANGED!!!”

Don’t.

And while you are NOT saying that, don’t ask: “Why don’t you love me?”, “What did I do?”, or say “Please don’t leave!”

Want to know why?  Want to know what to do, instead?

I discuss this on the Save The Marriage Podcast this week.

Listen below.

 

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“I Love You, But I’m Not In Love.” What It Means, What To Do: #63
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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LoveIsAVerbCoveysmall“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”  That single statement starts more marriage crises than any other sentence.

To be clear, the issues were already there.

It’s just that many times, one spouse does not know how disconnected the other spouse is feeling.

But when that one statement drops, everything changes.  The issues are out there.  The problems begin to emerge.

The festering infection is now brought to the surface.

Sometimes, the infection has been festering for years — maybe even the vast majority of the relationship.

Maybe there have been some attempts to address the marital problems in the past.  Sometimes, a habit here or there has been changed.

But the underlying dynamic that is causing the real marriage crisis, that has eluded efforts.

“I’m not in love with you” can feel like a kick in the gut.  The emotional pain can double you over.

And when we are in emotional pain, we rarely respond in constructive and helpful ways.  The infection can quickly overwhelm the marriage.

But what does that phrase REALLY mean?  Why does it often appear “out of the blue?”  Why is the spiral down so quick after this is spoken?

Let’s talk about this.  In today’s podcast, I help you understand the meaning behind this phrase — and what to do about it!

If you want further help and have heard this phrase, please grab my Save The Marriage System.  If you want further help, let me know at [email protected]

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Are You Courageously Compassionate? Doing What Needs To Be Done: #49 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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courageous compassion can help your marriage.When we feel close to someone, compassion is easy.  It comes naturally.

But when we are hurt or angry, when we feel disconnection from someone, compassion is harder.

That is when you have to be “courageously compassionate.”

Sometimes, we let our feelings “call the shots.”  We get stuck.  We give up.  Or we become so frantic that we cause more problems.

But what happens when you change your perspective?  What happens when you view your spouse from a different perspective — a compassionate perspective?

Find out in today’s podcast, an encore presentation.

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7 Strategies When You Hear “This Will Never Work and I Don’t Love You”: #47 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Emotions are not reality when saving your marriage.A kick in the gut.  Your spouse tells you “I don’t love you.”  Or as you are trying to save your relationship, your spouse says, “This will never work.”  It can take you to your knees.

You might want to give up.  You might believe your spouse is telling you the truth.

In actuality,  your spouse is really telling you about his or her emotional state.  And an emotional state is not the same as reality.  Emotions change.

But you do NOT want to make it worse.  You don’t want to respond in certain ways that will only cause your partner to more deeply believe the story he/she is telling to you (and to him/herself).

In this week’s podcast, I explain the truth behind these definitive and painful statements, plus 7 tips and strategies to make sure things don’t get worse (and in fact, get better!).

Let me know your thoughts and experiences in the comments area below!

 

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How Values Can Save (Or Destroy) Your Marriage: #38 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Save your marriage by talking about values.What happens when you and your spouse just don’t see eye-to-eye?  How do you get past it?

Perhaps the real issue is about values.  Do you and your spouse share the same values?  Or more precisely, do you and your spouse even talk about your values?

Many times, it is not a matter of values not matching, but of not understanding how your spouse expresses a value.

Or perhaps you believe you and your spouse share the same values, but never really clarified what you mean by the values each of you claim.

This week, I interview one of my very talented Relationship Coaches, Terri Hase, on how to get to the bottom of the values question.

Join Terri and me as we discuss values and how important they are in a marriage.  Oh, and if you want to contact Terri, you can find her at [email protected]

Let me know what you think in the comments area below!

 

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