marriage help – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

“I need space!” — that’s tough!

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg March 29, 2023 March 28, 2023

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 29, 2023

So many marital crises start with this phrase, “I’m not happy.” In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.

The next step is often, “I need space.” But that is even scarier! And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.

Maybe an in-house separation. Maybe a full separation. Emotional separation becomes physical separation.

All from a spouse stating an emotional state of concern: “I’m not happy.”

One part of dealing with a marital crisis is dealing with “emotional space.” It is crucial to understand emotional space.

In this podcast episode, I want to discuss why that emotional space is so difficult to manage. Why do people get sucked into taking actions that cause more issues? Why do people find it so hard to give a spouse that requested “space”?

We discuss why “space” is so hard on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Why “Limbo” is a Lie

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 26, 2022

Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?

Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.

He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship.

What should he do??

I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. And it may just be where you find yourself, too. Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away.

How do you deal with “Limbo”? We discuss it. Listen below.

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Combatting Crisis Fatigue

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 23, 2022

You’ve been doing your best to work on your marriage… to resolve your marriage crisis. Then, you find yourself exhausted. You can’t find your focus. You wonder if you even care. The negativity creeps in, followed by hopelessness.

Sound familiar?

That would be Crisis Fatigue. It is what happens when a crisis isn’t resolved quickly. When the crisis covers days, weeks, even months (and maybe even years) it can wear on you. And all that effort you were putting into resolution falls to the side. You find yourself not following through on your plan.

Your efforts fail as you fall into exhaustion.

Crisis Fatigue.

But don’t let the Crisis Fatigue keep you stuck! You can deal with it, move beyond it, and continue your efforts. You can do that when you learn how to combat Crisis Fatigue. That is what we cover on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

I discuss what Crisis Fatigue is, why it happens, what happens when it hits, and how to deal with it. Listen below.

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Stages of Crisis Awareness

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 17, 2021

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.

This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.

But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!

Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.

In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.

Listen in below.

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“I Want to Save My Marriage” Q & A

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 20, 2021

In previous podcast episodes, I have answered questions submitted by listeners. In fact, I still do. You can email your questions by clicking here. But since this podcast goes to listeners around the world, submitted questions need to be a) applicable to others, and b) not so broad that it is impossible to answer in a simple episode.

But then, there are the short questions. Both in the question and the needed response. So, in this episode, I round up the short questions, so I can address them all.

All of them, though, started with this:
“I want to save my marriage!”

Most of the questions demonstrated the beginning point of learning… not even knowing the question to ask, but knowing what you want. The senders knew they wanted to save their marriage, but weren’t sure even where to start and what to ask.

But here is the important thing: the questions still apply to you, whether you are at the same point or further along. Listen in to hear my response to questions like where to start, what about some tricks/hints, what to do if a spouse isn’t interested, what a plan might look like, how long this process might help, and what to do now.

Listen below.

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Can You Force Connection?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 23, 2020

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?

Not so fast.

Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the only solution is dissolution.

So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.

Listen below.

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Time for a Relationship Reset?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 8, 2020

Unless you are hiding out in a cave somewhere (I read about a person who had been on a silent retreat — went in with everything normal and came out to the pandemic), your world has been topsy-turvy.

We will get through this. The pandemic will pass. But this isn’t about, “and then, we will get back to life.” Life is happening right now. And we won’t be going “back to normal,” either. There are some fundamental changes happening in culture. We didn’t just hit “pause” when people went into isolation. And we won’t simply “un-pause” when it is safe to un-isolate.

Society is in for a shift. How it shifts, that depends upon us, the members of society. There is, I believe, great potential for a shift to what really matters. Not what we have been believing matters. It won’t be about money, power, or prestige. It will be about meaning, purpose, connection, and character. (At least, that is my hope.)

Why does that matter? How does that affect your marriage? I believe there is an opportunity, in the midst of the chaos, for a “Relationship Reset.” It is an opportunity to reconsider the crisis and find a way to resolve it by staying married, not by leaving.

Discover the 3 reasons why this might be the time for a Reset, and 3 things to do to facilitate it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Heavy Holiday? Marriage Crisis and the Season

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 27, 2019

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd.”

What a loss! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain. But her solution did more than avoiding pain. It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion: deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below.

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Wishing And Hoping Is NOT A Plan!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 8, 2015

I admit it. I am an information junkie. If I am interested in something, I read and read before taking action.

Sometimes, though, when something big is in front of us, we forget that last word, “action.”

You can study, read, cogitate, agitate, marinate. . . and do nothing.

Oh, sure, it can feel like you are doing something. After all, your mind is in overdrive. But there is no action.

It’s kind of like being stuck in neutral, but revving the engine. It sounds like something is happening. The engine is roaring. But there is no movement.

Why does that happen?

I believe there are 4 barriers. Here they are:

Fear
Lack of knowledge
Lack of confidence
Lack of desire

We can work through any of them (except the last), and you can move forward with working on your relationship. But only when you are ready to lean into it.

But you have to get started!

Fear may make you feel like you don’t want to take action. But fear is really only telling you that it is important.

And you don’t have to get it perfectly. You have to get started and moving in the right direction.

Let’s get out of neutral and get you headed back to a relationship you can treasure!

Listen to the podcast below.

RESOURCES FROM THE PODCAST:
Your Reason Why To Save Your Marriage Having A Plan To Save Your Marriage
3 C’s of Saving A Marriage
The Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching

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Frustrated and Ready To Give Up? Don’t!: #25, Save The Marriage Podcast

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 22, 2014

Just the other day, “Sue” wrote me to tell me she was ready to quit. She told me that her husband had been involved in an emotional affair, and she discovered the emails. When confronted, her husband told Sue that he did not love Sue and had been unhappy for years.

Sue decided to take matters in her own hands and save her marriage. She changed herself and worked on improving the connection with her husband. In fact, Sue went into “overdrive” in her efforts. Several weeks in, she was exhausted, hurt and scared. Her husband told her that he saw the efforts, but it was too late.

In her email, Sue told me she was ready to give up, but wanted to know what I thought. She asked, “do I have a snowball’s chance in hell of saving this?” Unfortunately, I don’t have a crystal ball.

But I do know this: Sue was at a very normal, very predictable stage in the process of a marriage crisis. In this audio, I will tell you the stages, and will also tell you one more thing: sometimes people give up just before a breakthrough. Sometimes, the resistance and frustration is highest just before a shift — but people either give up or try to force it.

Do you want to know the secret on what to do? Take a listen to the audio.

Then let me know what you think in the comments area below!

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