marriage podcast – Page 3 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Dragging a Spouse to Therapy…

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg January 31, 2022 January 31, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 31, 2022

The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response:

You Don’t!

(Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!)

Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary.

I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail.

But why?

There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse.

I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Quit Asking “Why is This Happening?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 25, 2022

At the beginning of a coaching session, I do a quick “check-in” to see what we need to accomplish in that session. Since coaching is all about moving forward and making progress, I want to make sure we are moving forward toward client success.

But what I often hear instead is, “I want to know why this is happening (the marriage crisis).” I get it. There is something about knowing why that is somehow satisfying, if not particularly helpful. What is even more interesting, though, is how often the same client can return to this very question.

If I hear the question one time, we can answer it and move forward. But if I hear the question on repeat, I know there is something else going on. And one thing I know for sure, time after time, is that this question does nothing to move your marriage or yourself forward.

It is actually an anchor to the past.

And it is hard to move forward when you are anchored backward.

If you want to save your marriage, stop asking how you got here, and start asking how to get to where you want to go!

(I cover it in-depth in the podcast episode. Listen below.)

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Discouraged? Here is what to do (5 things)…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 19, 2022

Discouraged?

You are trying to save your marriage and… you can’t get traction. You move a little ahead, only to slide backward. Steps forward and steps backward.

And that is why you are discouraged.

Am I right?

What if I told you that was the nature of the process? What if I told you that almost everyone has moments of frustration?

Most people feel like giving up (and many do) at various points in their efforts. This is not a process that follows a steady line of progress. It is more a tangled line, running up and down.

This is important work. And that is what makes it so tough. Important things often feel the most frustrating… especially when they are not going the way you want them to go. But, and let me say this again, it is important work, saving your marriage.

Let me tell you the 5 things to do when you are discouraged, to help you keep moving forward. Listen to the episode below.

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2 Actions that Do More Harm than Good

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 12, 2022

You know that your marriage is in trouble. Your spouse said so. Maybe it was the “things have to change” speech. Or maybe it was the “I love you, but I’m not in love” speech. Or maybe it was a request to separate or even divorce.

It comes into clear focus. Sure, you knew things weren’t great. But you thought they would improve, that you would find your way back together. Instead, the reality is crashing in.

Your marriage is in trouble.

What do you do? How do you respond?

There are 2 actions that I see over and over again. Both of them, while well intentioned, actually make things worse. Instead of improvement, the crisis only deepens. The chance of recovery only plummets.

And you only wanted to turn things around!

Wrong actions, even with the best of intentions, can cause more damage than good.

I cover the dangerous actions in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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“You’ll Never Change!!”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 5, 2022

Has your spouse said that to you?: “You’ll NEVER change!”

Maybe it was at the end of yet another argument, another struggle, another disagreement. Perhaps it was at the end of another failed attempt to do things differently.

If you have tried to change and have failed (meaning, every single human alive!), then maybe you wonder whether it is even possible to change. Is it just too hard, too deep, too “baked in”?

Or can we actually change? Can we actually make some changes in our life to be better, do better, and love better?

Since January tends to be a month were people make (and break) resolutions, I thought that maybe we should look at the potential for change. And especially in terms of making your marriage better, of being a better partner.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I let you in on whether change is possible (it is), why people fail at it, and how to actually make real changes. Listen below.

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A Marriage Crisis and Holiday Season

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 15, 2021

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd.”

What a loss! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain. But her solution did more than avoiding pain. It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion: deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below.

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Are You Trying To Earn Love Back?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 1, 2021

Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is — earning back the love (and even trust).

The short answer is NO, that is not the goal.

A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship.

That is my topic for this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast: why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse’s love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead.

Your marriage can be saved. But not by trying to earn back your spouse’s love.

Can the love return to your marriage? Absolutely.

But that doesn’t mean it is the goal of the process.

(Love isn’t earned. It is given.)

Listen to the podcast episode below for more on this important topic

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Connection and Marriage
Building A WE
Forgiveness and Marriage
Save The Marriage System

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Gratitude and a Marriage Crisis

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 24, 2021

Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States. The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us.

Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks?

Yep.

In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yes, it is important every day. But when your life is upside-down, gratitude can help you get it rightside-up.

Is it easy?

Nope.

Is it important?

Yep. So, let’s talk about finding gratitude (not just having gratitude, but finding it) in the midst of a crisis.

Need more on being thankful and feeling gratitude? Listen here and here.

And you can find the Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

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“Is This MY Fault??”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 17, 2021

Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question: “Am I the Problem?”

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Why Forgive?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 10, 2021

People hear me talk about forgiving (I wrote a book on it). Then they ask, “why should I have to forgive?” Ironically, my point was that forgiving frees the forgiver.

I tackle forgiveness in-depth for this week’s podcast. In fact, I give you a 6 step process of how to forgive. But of course, this is only helpful if you think you want to forgive. I start the podcast by clarifying what I mean by forgiveness, and why I think it is so important. (Hint: not forgiving is like having a systemic infection that will eat away at the rest of your life.)

The catch is, as C.S. Lewis said, “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.” When we have been injured, the idea of forgiving is not philosophical, and it can feel overwhelming.

Join me as we explore why to forgive and ways to forgive.

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