Posts Tagged :

marriage podcast

DWYADAYGWYAG
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Is your marriage stuck on repeat?No, a toddler didn’t take to pounding on my keyboard.  And no, my new puppy didn’t paw my keyboard… well, at least on for the title.

Yep, I meant it: DWYADAYGWYAG.

But to back up, have you ever noticed how we get stuck in repeating patterns?  Many simply serve to keep us stuck in life.  Not moving ahead.  Stuck.

But alive!

And that is what the brain registers.  Sure, maybe what happened yesterday was not exciting.  Maybe what you and I did yesterday, to make it through the day, was not exciting.  But we survived.

Lesson learned.  What we did yesterday kept us alive.  Plan for today:  do it some more.

Same in relationships.

Staying alive is not the same as thriving… and is actually not a guarantee of future success.  But it worked yesterday, so our brain assumes it will work for today.

DWYADAYGWYAG

I’ll tell you more about what that means, and how to get beyond it, in this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

 

RELATED RESOURCES
What’s Responsibility Got To Do With It?
Hope and Barriers
My Books
My System

What About Love?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

What about love?  Where does love fit into the process of saving your marriage?  How do you get back to love?A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love.  The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love.

I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?”  The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?”

And there is the root of the problem.  We have been struggling to define and describe what love even is for centuries, if not millennia.  And we are still trying.

More than that, the loving feeling is not what you really are trying to return to.  It is certainly a side-effect, but not what you want to try for.

And more than that, love is not even a clear indicator of marital success — maybe because it is so hard to define and describe.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I talk the question, “What About Love?”  Where does it fit into your efforts to save your marriage?  Where does it fit into any marriage?

Listen in below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Love as Action
Self-Expansion and Marriage Success
The Importance of Connection
Changing Yourself
3 C Approach
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Book:  Recovering From The Affair
Program:  Save The Marriage System

5 Myths of Saving Your Marriage
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

5 Myths of Saving Your Marriage.  Information to avoid, IF you want to save your marriage and avoid divorce.Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on?  And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)

You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing.  And you are even worse off than before!

Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it.  So, you start gathering your information.  That is the starting point, right?  And as they say, “Knowledge is power.”  Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth.  False information.

Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.

I need to let you in on a little secret:  just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you!  We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.

But think about it for a moment.  Look up some political topic.  People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other.  And some are just plain wrong.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage.  Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.

Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.

RELATED RESOURCES
Reverse Psychology Fails
No Contact is Crap
The Importance of Connection
Growing and Stagnation
Issues with Marriage Therapy
Grab the Save The Marriage System

When You Can’t Make Your Spouse Happy
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

You can’t make a spouse happy.  It’s time to quit trying.Many a marriage crisis emerges when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy.”  It is really a statement about discontent with the relationship.

But many respond by assuming they now know what they need to do:  make their spouse happy.

Which sets in motion an impossible task:  making another human happy.

Why won’t it work?  Why can’t you make your spouse happy?

Because a) it isn’t your responsibility, and b) it isn’t in your control.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I dive in on why your efforts to make your spouse happy will fail.  We discuss what you can control and what you can’t.  And I give you four places to shift your focus, so that you can make progress in your efforts.

Listen below to learn why you can’t make your spouse happy… and what to do, instead.

RELATED RESOURCES
Why Marriages Get into Trouble
3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage
What Happy Couples Know Series
The Difference Between Happy and Hurting
The Save The Marriage System

FACT of Your Crisis: How to Face Your Crisis and Move Forward
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Time to face the FACT of your crisis.  Time to get started saving your marriage.  The FACT approach to getting moving.Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup.

But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.

Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.”

But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.

When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.

And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT.  We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.

Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.

RELATED RESOURCES
Connection is Vital
You Need a Plan
3 C Approach
3 Levels of Connection
Save The Marriage System

 

Love and Respect: An Interview with Emerson Eggerichs
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

“What’s love got to do with it??” “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what that means to me!”  Tina Turner calls for love, and Aretha Franklin calls out for respect.  But what is the connection between love and respect?

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and RespectEmerson Eggerichs is the author of the book, Love and Respect.  As you can tell from the title, Emerson is addressing just that issue.

In his work with couples, Eggerichs kept noticing the cries for respect by men and the cries for love by women.  He realized that while we all need love and respect, men tend to need respect more than love, and women need love more than respect (generally speaking).

Here is the problem:  men show respect, which can feel unloving; and women show love, which can feel disrespectful.  In the end, couples feel unloved and disrespected, creating what Emerson refers to as the Crazy Cycle.  And in the process, the marriage keeps spiraling.

The good news is that the cycle can be changed.  Love and respect can be restored.  And intimacy can return.  But only when you understand the dynamics that are fueling the Crazy Cycle.

A while back, I had the opportunity to sit down with Emerson Eggerichs and discuss his ideas about love and respect.  While originally, it was for another program, this is important for you to hear.  In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I let you in on this important interview.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Love and Respect Website
Love and Respect Book
Importance of Connection
Communication and Marriage

How Fear Hijacks Your Marriage: Poly Vagal Theory
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Your ancestors, way, way back, survived because they were more fearful than their peers.  Because of their fear, they survived, while the less fearful fell to threats.  Over time, this means that we naturally inherited overly-developed fear responses.

It doesn’t take much to trigger fear and anxiety. Your heart races, your breathing quickens, your voice tightens, and your muscles flex, waiting for the fight or the flight.  Waiting to take on the threat or get away from the threat.

That’s an important skill on the savannah or in the jungle.  It even has some applicability for cities and in the woods.  But it is less helpful in your workplace.  And even less helpful in your love relationships.

We can quickly go from zero to 100, even when there really is no threat… just a trigger to your threat response.

How can you understand this?  How would a deeper understanding of this fight/flight response help?

Deb Dana and the Poly Vagal theory applied to marriages and counseling.First, you can recognize when the threat response is triggered.  Second, there are ways to more quickly de-threat your body, when you recognize it is not a necessary response.

In recent years, the Poly Vagal Theory has gained credibility and usefulness.  And that is the topic for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  I had the good fortune of interviewing Deb Dana, an expert on the theory (and a skilled clinician in applying it in therapy) for another program I created, but wanted to share it with you.

If you have experienced the fight/flight response with your spouse, finding yourself trapped in a quickly escalating and rapidly disintegrating communication pattern, pay attention.

If you feel the threat feelings when you know it shouldn’t feel threatening, you need to pay attention.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Deb Dana’s Website
Thriveology Freedom from Fear Series
Fear in Marriage
Stuck Communication

How to Get the Love You Want
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Harville Hendricks and Helen Hunt on Getting the Love You Want.Why did you fall in love with your spouse?  Why do people fall in love with the person they fall in love?

And perhaps even more importantly for our time together, why do those same relationships cause such pain? How can love turn painful and hurtful?

Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt have been on the forefront of helping hurting marriages for decades.  In 1988, their seminal book, Getting The Love You Want, came out to great acclaim.  It was an international best-seller.

In that book (now revised), Harville and Helen reveal their Imago Theory of why we fall in love, and why it can either be hurtful or healing.  They also provide exercises for couples to explore their own Imago relating, to help with healing and health.

Some time ago, Harville and Helen gave me some of their time to share their thoughts and direction on how to create a loving relationship.  This interview was originally part of a special program.  But I decided to share it with you, because of the powerful information they shared.

Listen below to discover how understanding your Imago and help heal your marriage.

RELATED RESOURCES
Book:  Getting The Love You Want
Website for Harville and Helen
What Happy Couples Know Series
The Save The Marriage System

Why These Approaches Are Dangerous (2 to avoid)
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

There are some good and some dangerous approaches to saving a marriage. I tell you about 2 dangerous approaches… and what to look for when searching for help.I just googled, “how to save your marriage.”  There were 607,000,000.  Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them?  How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?

It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.

And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good.  And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information.  What are their qualifications?  How do they even approach it?

I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed.  And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff.  I remember when Google started.  That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results.  Still a lot. But far more manageable.

With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm.  Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start.  Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing.  And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good.  There are two that are particularly prevalent.  And at best, not helpful.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Reverse Psychology as an Approach
No Contact is Crap
Why I STILL Believe in Marriage
Why I do this Work
Therapy Problems
Save The Marriage System