my spouse doesn’t love me – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

2 Actions that Do More Harm than Good

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg January 12, 2022 January 10, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 12, 2022

You know that your marriage is in trouble. Your spouse said so. Maybe it was the “things have to change” speech. Or maybe it was the “I love you, but I’m not in love” speech. Or maybe it was a request to separate or even divorce.

It comes into clear focus. Sure, you knew things weren’t great. But you thought they would improve, that you would find your way back together. Instead, the reality is crashing in.

Your marriage is in trouble.

What do you do? How do you respond?

There are 2 actions that I see over and over again. Both of them, while well intentioned, actually make things worse. Instead of improvement, the crisis only deepens. The chance of recovery only plummets.

And you only wanted to turn things around!

Wrong actions, even with the best of intentions, can cause more damage than good.

I cover the dangerous actions in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Hope vs. Hopelessness

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 5, 2020

Miranda asked me, “What do I do? My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too.”

A couple of weeks ago, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond. One of those barriers is hopelessness.

But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope?

There is an equation of hope: hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there.

If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless. Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action.

There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope. So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward.

Listen to the episode below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Fighting for… Connection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 11, 2019

“Should I even keep fighting for my marriage?”, asks “G.”

Oof, that word… “fighting.” I hear it often. But so many times, when someone says they are “fighting for” their marriage, they end up “fighting against” their spouse. The spouse who doesn’t see how to move forward.

Which is rarely helpful for the process. But I watch person after person “suit up” to do battle, not even sure on what they are fighting.

So, let me clarify that with the question from “E.” She asked why I always talk about connection… not romance, playing “hard to get,” doing “No Contact,” or reverse psychology.

Those two fit together… the “fighting” part and the “connecting” part. You are fighting for connection! For some very specific (and deeply rooted) reasons.

I discuss both in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

“Is ‘Trying’ Disrespectful?” – When A Spouse Wants Out

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 31, 2019

“Gem” wrote me after a recent episode of my podcast. In that episode, a therapist said, after one single session (where divorce had not been mentioned) that the client needed to prepare for divorce.

In Gem’s case, her husband used therapy as the excuse that they “had tried therapy but it didn’t work.” But he went further, saying that if Gem did not go along with his desire to divorce, it amounted to her disregarding (and disrespecting) his emotions.

I would have said, “WHAT??”, except I have heard the same thing over and over.

Often enough that I have even wondered if some Pro-Divorce “expert” had given that as the secret recipe to shift a spouse out of “save the marriage mode.” (Yes, those folks do exist… and yes, spouses do find them… and use them to arm against staying married — as if you need to arm against that!!)

What does it mean when a spouse says, “You are disrespecting my feelings by trying to save our marriage”? And what do you do? IS it disrespectful? SHOULD you just go along and give up?

I cover it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS