no contact rule – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

2 Actions that Do More Harm than Good

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By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 12, 2022

You know that your marriage is in trouble. Your spouse said so. Maybe it was the “things have to change” speech. Or maybe it was the “I love you, but I’m not in love” speech. Or maybe it was a request to separate or even divorce.

It comes into clear focus. Sure, you knew things weren’t great. But you thought they would improve, that you would find your way back together. Instead, the reality is crashing in.

Your marriage is in trouble.

What do you do? How do you respond?

There are 2 actions that I see over and over again. Both of them, while well intentioned, actually make things worse. Instead of improvement, the crisis only deepens. The chance of recovery only plummets.

And you only wanted to turn things around!

Wrong actions, even with the best of intentions, can cause more damage than good.

I cover the dangerous actions in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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5 Myths of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 16, 2020

Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)

You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before!

Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your information. That is the starting point, right? And as they say, “Knowledge is power.” Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth. False information.

Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.

I need to let you in on a little secret: just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you! We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.

But think about it for a moment. Look up some political topic. People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other. And some are just plain wrong.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage. Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.

Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.

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Why These Approaches Are Dangerous (2 to avoid)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 22, 2020

I just googled, “how to save your marriage.” There were 607,000,000. Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?

It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.

And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even approach it?

I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed. And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff. I remember when Google started. That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results. Still a lot. But far more manageable.

With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm. Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start. Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing. And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good. There are two that are particularly prevalent. And at best, not helpful.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below.

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Don’t Try To “Make,” “Get,” or “Cause” Your Spouse To. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 19, 2017

The conversation starts innocently enough. Someone wants help saving a marriage. They tell me about the disconnection haunting the relationship. They tell me about the hurts and struggles. They tell me they are desperate to turn things around.

And then they say it. “How do I get my spouse to. . .” “How do I make my spouse to. . . ” “How do I cause my spouse to. . . .”

They say these things in innocence, really wanting to get things to a better place. They want to make the marriage work. They hope to cause a shift in the relationship. But they are aiming it at their spouse.

Herein lies the problem. It is about somehow getting, making, or causing a spouse to make a shift — maybe only as far as getting a spouse to think the marriage could be saved.

Innocent.

And doomed for failure.

Why?

Because just behind all three words lurks the same thing: manipulation or coercion. And usually with a spouse who is on the defensive, already suspicious and on guard.

And even if they are not, who wants to be manipulated or coerced? Even if it is in a good direction?

Don’t fall into this trap. Listen to the podcast below.

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Why The “No Contact Rule” Is Crap

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 9, 2015

Let me start by being clear, the “no contact rule” has nothing to do with the legal “no contact order.”

If you are not familiar with the “no contact rule,” it is a technique that is floating around the internet. Before I tell you what it is, please promise you won’t use it. Okay?

Here is the rule: if your partner leaves, have zero contact with them for 30 days. During that time, so the theory goes, the person will become curious, even obsessed with you. The person will literally be driven crazy and come begging back to you.

Except it doesn’t work. Or more precisely, it rarely works. Sometimes, the person comes back — but I have a feeling it had nothing to do with the “no contact rule.” In fact, I checked a couple of times, and my suspicions were correct.

Why does this rule, then, keep getting passed around? Well, we all want a little trick, a little technique, that will solve a problem. But rarely do tricks really work. And it does give a little relief, because you stop focusing on the other person (but you can do that without the “no contact rule.”)

And yes, there are some therapists who suggest this rule. Most have read the same articles floating around — or more likely, they are individual therapists who are helping you move on.

I have been asked, “But doesn’t ‘absence make the heart grow fonder?'”

Nope.

Absence only makes a fond heart grow fonder. It does not have the same effect on the hurt, angry, or distant heart.

All the “no contact rule” does is prove the point to the other person — you don’t care enough to even try, and the decision was correct.

As one person told me, “I started the ‘no contact rule’ when he left. It was supposed to be 30 days. I am now 6 months in, and he has not contacted me. He sent me one text when I reached out after a month, ‘Why now???’ That was it. He has moved on.”

Don’t get sucked into the “no contact rule.” It is crap.

Listen to this week’s podcast for more reasons why people suggest it and why it is so dangerous.

NOTE: If you are ready to try a “no tricks” way to restore your relationship, GRAB my Save The Marriage System HERE.

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