save the marriage system – Page 6 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

5 Myths of Saving Your Marriage

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 16, 2020 September 15, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 16, 2020

Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)

You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before!

Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your information. That is the starting point, right? And as they say, “Knowledge is power.” Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth. False information.

Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.

I need to let you in on a little secret: just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you! We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.

But think about it for a moment. Look up some political topic. People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other. And some are just plain wrong.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage. Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.

Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.

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The Choice…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 8, 2020

“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought….

I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep working on it? Only she could answer.

My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision. She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.)

To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner. Is it worth it?

That was her choice. The Choice. To work on it or to walk away.

Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… summer is over, school is starting back (whether virtual or in-person), the pandemic is wearing on, politics is unavoidable… and then there is that marriage crisis!

Navigating all of that, staying afloat, and continuing to push forward is just tough.

Which leads to the choice. Work on it or walk away?

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When You Can’t Make Your Spouse Happy

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 2, 2020

Many a marriage crisis emerges when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy.” It is really a statement about discontent with the relationship.

But many respond by assuming they now know what they need to do: make their spouse happy.

Which sets in motion an impossible task: making another human happy.

Why won’t it work? Why can’t you make your spouse happy?

Because a) it isn’t your responsibility, and b) it isn’t in your control.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I dive in on why your efforts to make your spouse happy will fail. We discuss what you can control and what you can’t. And I give you four places to shift your focus, so that you can make progress in your efforts.

Listen below to learn why you can’t make your spouse happy… and what to do, instead.

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FACT of Your Crisis: How to Face Your Crisis and Move Forward

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 26, 2020

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.

But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.

Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.”

But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point. Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks. And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.

When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.

And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT. We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.

Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.

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Why These Approaches Are Dangerous (2 to avoid)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 22, 2020

I just googled, “how to save your marriage.” There were 607,000,000. Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?

It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.

And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even approach it?

I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed. And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff. I remember when Google started. That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results. Still a lot. But far more manageable.

With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm. Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start. Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing. And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good. There are two that are particularly prevalent. And at best, not helpful.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below.

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How to be the Bigger Victim

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 15, 2020

Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.

Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.

Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can. But their spouse….

It is quite a game. Not one that either person is enjoying. Yet both are playing.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it. Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to. That game ends with 3 losers: You, your spouse, and your marriage.

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What CAN One Person Do?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 8, 2020

Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it?

I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it.

But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married?

I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone? This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out. This is not accurate. And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don’t. They walk away in defeat.

So, what CAN you do? First, I tackle what you CAN’T do. Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now).

Listen below.

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Escaping the Attraction – breaking free from the affair partner

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 1, 2020

Another listener question is the topic of this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. The question focuses on an affair… and leaving it. What do you do about the strong attraction that can develop with the affair partner?

What if your brain is telling you the feelings are real… and if they are there, maybe it was meant to be? What if you keep wondering if the affair partner is your “soulmate,” and you messed up with marrying your spouse?

Or what if these are the questions of your spouse? That your spouse is trying to break free, but keeps falling back into the thoughts (and arms) of the affair partner?

How do you break free?

Can you break free?

You can. And your marriage can be filled with the connection you were missing.

How?

Listen in to this week’s episode below.

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The Differences Between Happy and Hurting Marriages

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 24, 2020

Marriages start at the same place: two people in love, ready to face the world together. And most believe they have already beaten the odds. Their love is “the real thing,” enduring and lasting. It won’t fall apart like those other marriages. They have already won.

Except they haven’t.

Some marriages keep on moving forward, resolute and solid, loving and supportive. But many hit an inflection point. They go from happy to hurting.

And many times, they can’t find their way back… mostly because they don’t know what the difference was; what made the difference between happy and hurting.

Interestingly, most people name differences that don’t make a difference between happy and hurting. What they assume makes a difference, doesn’t.

Instead, there are 4 differences that do matter. And here is what is important: they can be changed. Once you understand the 4 differences between a hurting and happy marriage, you can shift toward happy. They are learnable skills, once identified.

Listen below for the 4 differences that don’t matter and the 4 differences that do. They make the difference between happy and hurting.

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Survival Rules for Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 3, 2020

Your marriage is in trouble. You know you want to save your relationship, but you aren’t sure how.

Step #1 is surviving.

Confession: I have an abiding interest in survival. I’m the guy who reads all the scuba accident reports, the shark attack reports, and the mountaineering accident reports.

Why do those who survive make it through? What makes a difference for them?

They followed, on purpose or by accident, “rules” of surviving. Those rules can help you, too.

Your first task is to survive. That gives you time to take more action. Those actions are designed to rescue your relationship. In fact, that is one rule I cover… being the rescuer. Check it out in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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