Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup.

But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.

Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.”

But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.

When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.

And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT.  We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.

Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.

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I know it hurts.  And I know that the pain, the anger, and the frustration can get you to act in ways that are not helpful.

Lots of people are not sure about what TO do (which is why I created the Save The Marriage System). But they may be less clear on what they should STOP doing.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about 5 very common, very unhelpful, things I see people do when they are trying to save their marriage.

And unfortunately, they get the exact opposite of what they want.  They want to have a spouse want to work on things, pivot away from separation or divorce, and return to the marriage.  Instead, they get distance and a hardened belief that there is no other option than ending things.

Which is why you DON’T want to fall into any of these 5 traps.

Oh, and I will also let you in on 3 things you should be doing (none requires your spouse to participate — at the beginning).

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The Save The Marriage System
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So, what DO you do when apathy strikes?  It might be YOUR apathy.  But more likely, it will be your spouse’s apathy. (And it might be both of you!) It just seems there is no emotion, no care, no concern.

What IS apathy?

What does it mean?

Why does it happen?

And most importantly, what can you do about it?

This week, we explore dealing with YOUR apathy, then dealing with YOUR SPOUSE’S apathy.

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Save The Marriage System

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Have you ever been sucked into a situation or argument, then realized your actions were not what you wanted?

There is that split second, that pause, where you get to choose your response.

Many people miss that split second, telling themselves, “I had no choice.  I was just reacting.”

But deep down, we know that is not the case.  We have a choice on how to respond.  If you miss that choice, you will regret the reaction.

How do you choose?

Let’s talk about that in this week’s podcast.  Listen below.

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“It’s your choice,” I reassured her.  It was a call I picked up between sessions.  The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up.  She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting.  She wanted to know what I thought….

I didn’t need to convince her either way.  It really was her choice.  Should she walk away or should she keep working on it?  Only she could answer.

My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision.  She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.)

To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner.  Is it worth it?

That was her choice.  The Choice.  To work on it or to walk away.

Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… winter keeps on coming, crises seem to be everywhere, politics is unavoidable… and then there is that marriage crisis!

Navigating all of that, staying afloat, and continuing to push forward is just tough.

Which leads to the choice.  Work on it or walk away?

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I wish this only happened every now and then.

Imagine, for a second, that someone is working on saving their marriage.  In this case, they have chosen  to use my System.  And they are making progress! (Yay!)

Then… they decide to do something else… add something on… try to “spice up” their approach.  And suddenly, their efforts fall apart.

The other day, I was talking with someone who falls into this approach.  Making great progress using my material.  Then losing all progress when they added on some more “save your marriage” stuff they found on the internet.

“I guess your approach doesn’t work,” this person said.  I pointed out that my approach was, in fact, working… until they stopped using it and went with pretty much the exact opposite of what I recommend.

No surprise, but their spouse was confused.  And this person said, “I don’t get it!  It was supposed to save my marriage!”

I asked, “Did you ‘look under the hood’ to see what was behind that approach?  Did you wonder if it is compatible with what you were already doing?”  I knew the answer before I asked, and I could tell I was correct from the confused “umm… I… well… uh… what do you mean?” that I heard back.

Let me be the first to say, there is some great information out there on saving your marriage.

And there is also a lot of steaming piles of 💩 out there!  But when someone is desperate to save their marriage, it is sometimes tempting to jump onto some “great idea” out there.  But that isn’t a great approach… if you want to be successful.

You have to manage that mess… or “Gatekeep” what is coming your way.  And that is what we talk about on this week’s episode.  I discuss what works and what doesn’t, how to distinguish between them, and how to gatekeep yourself, so that you save your marriage!

Listen below.

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One more argument.  One more struggle.  They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to… win… well, to be honest, I don’t know what they were trying to win.  Because they were not winning at marriage!

I stopped them, looked at them and said, “You do know you are on the same team…” and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, “… right??”

They certainly were not working like a team.  They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other.  They were struggling to win.  But either one “winning” would be a “lose” for the marriage.

Too many people miss this one essential — crucial — fact about marriage… you both are on the same team.  You are working toward a common goal (or should be).  The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family.

This is the fundamental point of being what I call a “WE.”  WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other’s back; WE are a team!  Same side, same direction (or should be).

Listen to this episode for how to get on the same team!

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Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!

But what about relationship fears?  Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?

Yep, we all have them.  2 basic fears.  And those 2 fears?  They pull against each other.  One can trigger the other in couples.  We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other.  And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse.

Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other.

Those two fears?

• Fear of Intimacy
• Fear of Abandonment

Let’s talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage.

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Games should be fun.  But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun.

These are patterns of interaction and communication.

The design is to get a need met.  But behind it is a dysfunction.  It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects.  It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs.  It may be a false expectation of how things should be.  But somewhere is a false belief.

And that false belief — along with the effort to fulfill that belief — is what leads to the (destructive) game.

Are you playing one of these games?

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Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance?  Hot or cold?

Are they really that different?  Or is it all a part of the same process?  And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?

During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each.  In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen.

In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me.  Both refused to listen to the other.

The underlying issues were the same.  The emotional temperature was different.  Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level.  And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting.

What is the difference between the heat and the cold?  How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage?  Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process?  The same path?

We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Listen below.

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