September 2020 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

There IS No Try

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 30, 2020 September 28, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 30, 2020

“I’ll try,” my client said in response to multiple suggestions about actions to take. But each week, the “try” never happened. Just a couple of days ago, I got the same response to another suggestion.

Before that, I had a client who had been “trying” to write the Apology Letter… but not a single word had made it to the page.

There is no such action as “try.” You can do something or not do something. But as Yoda reminds us, “there is no try.”

Each morning, I get up early and work on a book or writing project for an hour. I am pretty clear that I am either writing or I am not. If I am putting words on paper, regardless of whether they are good or not… I am writing. If I distract myself with social media or some article… I am not writing.

It is not a matter of trying. I am doing or not.

Many times, “trying” is a cop-out. It is a lack of action, claimed to be “about to act.” But we can do something… and if we aren’t, we are not doing it. Doing it successfully is only determined by the outcome. And the outcome only comes from the action. Not acting pretty much guarantees not getting the desired outcome. (It is true that acting does not guarantee the desired outcome… but it is far more likely than not acting.)

I discuss this and how it can keep you stuck in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Can You Force Connection?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 23, 2020

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?

Not so fast.

Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the only solution is dissolution.

So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.

Listen below.

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5 Myths of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 16, 2020

Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)

You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before!

Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your information. That is the starting point, right? And as they say, “Knowledge is power.” Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth. False information.

Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.

I need to let you in on a little secret: just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you! We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.

But think about it for a moment. Look up some political topic. People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other. And some are just plain wrong.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage. Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.

Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.

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The Choice…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 8, 2020

“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought….

I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep working on it? Only she could answer.

My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision. She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.)

To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner. Is it worth it?

That was her choice. The Choice. To work on it or to walk away.

Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… summer is over, school is starting back (whether virtual or in-person), the pandemic is wearing on, politics is unavoidable… and then there is that marriage crisis!

Navigating all of that, staying afloat, and continuing to push forward is just tough.

Which leads to the choice. Work on it or walk away?

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When You Can’t Make Your Spouse Happy

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 2, 2020

Many a marriage crisis emerges when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy.” It is really a statement about discontent with the relationship.

But many respond by assuming they now know what they need to do: make their spouse happy.

Which sets in motion an impossible task: making another human happy.

Why won’t it work? Why can’t you make your spouse happy?

Because a) it isn’t your responsibility, and b) it isn’t in your control.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I dive in on why your efforts to make your spouse happy will fail. We discuss what you can control and what you can’t. And I give you four places to shift your focus, so that you can make progress in your efforts.

Listen below to learn why you can’t make your spouse happy… and what to do, instead.

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