Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

I know.  It’s tempting.  Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it.  Maybe your friends would be good to tell.  Or maybe your family can listen.  Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to “talk some sense” into your spouse.

Don’t.  Stop.  Think again before you share.

Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around.

You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love.  And you might get support.  But that support likely includes siding with you.  And if someone sides with you, they will likely side against your spouse.

When you talk to someone about a problem with someone else, you create a “triangle,” to use a term from communication experts.  And that triangle may feel good and feel more stable.  But it complicates the original conflict and issues.

And that often serves to further undermine the relationship… along with the chances for recovery.

Does that mean that you can’t get help and support?

Nope.  You just want to go about getting support the right way.

I discuss the reasons why NOT to tell others about your marriage problems in this week’s podcast episode… along with who TO tell.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Conflict and Marriage
Communication Is Not The Issue
Anxiety and Anger in a Crisis
Chronic To Crisis
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

You want to save your marriage.

Right?

That is why you are here, right?  So, what might get in your way?  How might you fail in your efforts?

Let me be clear:  in this podcast episode, I discuss 3 ways YOU may fail at your efforts.  This isn’t about why your efforts will fail, because of a spouse… or family… or an affair… or anything outside of, well, you.

Which is why this episode is so important for you.  The 3 ways you may fail, they are all about choices and decisions you can make.  You have control.

But first, you need to know about these 3 ways you may fail.  I’ll tell you what they are, and how to make sure you don’t fall into the fail traps they create.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
3 Failpoints of Saving A Marriage
Marriage Failpoint Book
3 Reasons Your Efforts Might Fail
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

I had nearly back-to-back discussions with people about coaching and therapy. One wanted to know if I could see them and their spouse. The other wanted to know if they could go to marital therapy alone.

You may already know that I have concerns with marital therapy (yes, I am trained as a therapist).  But there are times when marital therapy (given the right circumstances) can be helpful.

But can you do it alone?

Early in my career (I was still finishing my Ph.D., but was already providing therapy), I realized that my approach was more of a coaching approach.  So, immediately after my dissertation was finished, I started a multi-year coach training program.  And since then, I have offered coaching services to people who want to thrive, whether in life or in a marriage.

Many times, that means I am speaking with one person.  So, can you do coaching together?  With your spouse?

Well, since I had those questions so close together, I decided I could answer it for more people in an episode of my podcast.  So, here it is!

You can listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
No, this won’t save your marriage (but might be what therapy focuses on)
What DOES determine success or failure in therapy?
Top 10 myths about marital therapy
3 times when coaching can help
Grab the Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Is your marriage infected by the “zombie virus?”  Do you find your relationship to be the “walking dead?”  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with “zombie grunts?”

The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.

Don’t allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship’s immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.

Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Pause Button Marriages
Dangers of Disconnection
“Can This Marriage Be Saved?”
The Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis.  Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things… almost without control.

A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors.  If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally “tapped out.”  Which means it might not take much for you to boil over…

And undo any progress you have been making.

I have frequently been told that “I just can’t control my emotions.”  And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions.

In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis.

Is it hard?  It can be a challenge.  But it is do-able.

You can do it!  Let’s talk about how!

(Listen Below!)

RELATED RESOURCES
Getting Perspective
You Need A Plan
Take Care of Yourself
Get Some Support
Don’t Read Tea Leaves
The Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her.  He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues.  She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him.  How can he feel unsafe?”

Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing.  There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe.  Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat.  A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat.

We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened.  Connecting requires vulnerability.  And vulnerability requires a sense of safety.

Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat.  So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety?  Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship?

Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save The Marriage Podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Connection in Marriage
Connection and Disconnection Resources
Connection or Protection
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear!  They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results.  Things are turning for the better.  The relationship is warming.  Things aren’t quite so hostile.

But then….

They get derailed.  Thrown off-course.  Lost in the crisis.

Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost.  Things become even more tense and fractured.

Why did they get derailed?  Four reasons:  Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged.

I go into each of these… as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed… in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
You Need A Plan
Can Your Marriage Be Saved?
When Is It Too Late?
Your Fail Points
Book:  The Marriage Fail Point
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Is it actually possible for people to change?? For you to change?? For your marriage to change?

That question has been asked for millenia.  It is a question of theology, philosophy, and psychology.

And yet, sometimes, it seems like there is no real answer.

As a student of all three arenas, and as a therapist/coach, I have thought long and hard about this question.

Sometimes, people ask me this question, about themselves, about their spouse, or about their relationship.

Short answer, “Yes, you and your marriage can change. But will you??”

Let’s talk about the possibility of change, the potential for it, and how to move toward it.  That is what we cover in this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Why Your Spouse Doesn’t See Your Changes
What To Do When A Spouse Says, “You’ll Never Change!”
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves… and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage?  What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage?

That is the question of the week, asked by Sam.  He said his wife wants to better herself.  Then, maybe she would address the marriage.

As part of my series, answering your questions, I want to address this one.  Because it might just be YOUR question, too!  (If not, you can SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE.)

Many times, when a marriage is in trouble, a spouse (or maybe you) just won’t address the relationship issues, insisting they (or you) need to work on themselves (or yourself) before looking at the marriage.

The binary question:  “work on me or work on WE?” stands out.  But does it have to be so binary.  Is it really one or the other?  Or is there another way to approach this?

If you try to force a spouse to work on the relationship, that won’t work… and might make things better.  So, what CAN you do?

Listen to this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast for my response.

RELATED RESOURCES
Don’t Try to Convince
Showing UP in Marriage
Dealing with Conflict
The Importance of Self-Expansion
The Save The Marriage System HERE

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Connection is so important for a marriage.  When connection is cut off, the relationship falters.  When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.

But many people think they are connecting… and they are actually crowding.

Crowding, in a struggling marriage, is as toxic as disconnecting.

Does it feel like a tightrope?  Well, it really isn’t.

As long, that is, as you understand the underlying principle:  Connect, Don’t Crowd.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you access to one of ten principles I cover in my VIP program (an advanced program for those who have my System, but want to be more effective or need more help).

Resources in the VIP program are generally restricted only to VIP members, but I wanted to make sure you don’t fall into the “crowding trap.”  I see it far too often.

Especially for people who have realized they hit the Pause Button on their marriage… and are trying to reconnect.

Listen in to find how to connect without crowding.  Don’t fall into the trap!

RELATED RESOURCES:
Pause Button Marriage
Connection is the Life Blood
Connection Tools
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS