Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Have you been to an IKEA store?  Well, I can now say I have both been there and survived the construction of some IKEA furniture.  Mind you, it was not MY idea to either go or put the resulting purchases together.

That was the conspiring of my daughter and wife.  I just got dragged in, against my own better judgment, I might add!

Here’s the short version:  my daughter finished college and is moving into her first “grown up” apartment.  She is a bit short on money, and with an appointment to AmeriCorp for this next year, that won’t change much.

So, she was wanting to decorate her apartment on the cheap.  Thus, IKEA.  As far as I can tell, it must really cost a lot to get someone to assemble furniture that you buy already put together!  IKEA is cheap.  Both in cost and quality, as far as I can tell.

My opposition to going to the store?  I knew that once the pieces were bought, the hard work would start — and I would likely be the worker!  And I was at least partly correct.

It took us about an hour and a half to drive to the store.  But it was a nice drive on a Sunday afternoon.  And we had a good time talking on the way.

I pull up to see a MASSIVE place.  It was a bit overwhelming.

In we walk and start our travels through the showroom (they give you a specific path to follow — otherwise, you would just wander all day!).  And I began to watch the psychology of all of this.

It occurs to me there are a few relationship lessons you can learn from IKEA.

1)  It looks GREAT in the showroom.  But you get it home and say, “What the hell do we do with this?”
YOUR RELATIONSHIP:  You look around and see all these people having great relationships. It looks so easy.  They look so happy.  So, you jump in and join them.  You get married (take it home) and then wonder, “What the hell do I do with this?”  Nobody told you there was assembly required.  Nobody told you that behind closed doors, there is always a struggle.  Sure, it is easy to “look good” on the outside.  But that is not an indication of the effort involved to get there.  And it doesn’t show all the mistakes made along the way!

2)  There are LOTS of ways to assemble IKEA furniture — but only one way that makes it functional!  Have you seen the videos of people making mistakes as they put their furniture together?  Chair legs sticking up from the top of the seat, drawers backwards, extra pieces!  So many options.  But only one that is functional.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP:  People often try to “fly by the seat of their pants,” putting together a relationship.  They have an idea of what it should look like at the end, but are not so sure how to get it there.  So, they start slapping it together, anyway.  And by the way, both IKEA’s instructions and society instructions are pretty vague.  IKEA does not give you clear directions on building furniture and the world does not give clear instructions on building a great marriage.

The ONE important part of building a great marriage is creating a sense of being a WE.  You can do lots of other creative things.  But if you want the marriage to work, to be functional, and to last, you have to create that sense of being a WE.  (The heart of my Save The Marriage System is about building that WE.  Think of it as the instruction book nobody gave you!)

3)  Don’t force it!  It will crack!  IKEA furniture does fit together.  It is designed for assembly and functionality.  A piece of furniture that fits in a little flat box has to!  But you have to be careful.  The material can only withstand so much force.  You want to only apply the pressure necessary.  Too little, it will fall apart.  Too much, it will strip the material.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP:  Marriages are built of humans.  Humans are, by nature, both fragile and creative.  We can work through problems and make things fit.  But if you force your way, feelings can get hurt and connections can be lost.  Oh, and if you don’t try hard enough, it will eventually shake free.

People end up making two mistakes with a relationship:  forcing too hard and not doing enough.  Sometimes, people have an agenda they won’t give up.  Even if the pieces aren’t fitting, they have already decided their approach is right.  All others are wrong.  So, they push and push and push.  And they damage the relationship by not stepping back.  A little distance often makes it clear where things are not fitting — and how to shift them to a better place.

Conversely, sometimes, couples just don’t get things connected well enough.  They refuse to face issues, refuse to cooperate well, refuse to be vulnerable.  Their connections are loose.  And over time, they joints start failing — everything falls apart.

4)  Better to have a plan than wander around!  IKEA is overwhelming in size and scope.  If you don’t know what you need, you likely won’t find that.  But you may come out with lots of other stuff.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP:  People spend lots of time planning a wedding.  Not so much considering how they want their marriage to go.  So many possibilities and so many opportunities.  If you don’t know where you are headed, you are not likely to get there.  More than that, you are likely to come out with lots of other stuff.

Life is often about priorities.  When we aren’t clear with our priorities:  what is important, versus what is “wants,” we generally focus on the wrong areas.  Marriages are built on connection and commitment.  But life can pull you in lots of other directions.  Unless there is clarity on the direction and on the priorities, life pulls at the connection and commitment.

When we go into a marriage with clarity on the priorities, there is always room for extras — hobbies, friends, interests.  But you start with what’s important and only add on from there.

Sometimes, it is too late for these lessons.  Sometimes, people find themselves already down the wrong paths, already in poorly constructed relationships.  Can you start over?

Let me suggest a few resources to get back on-track:
1)  “How I Saved My Marriage”
2)  Connection Resources
3)  What Happy Couples Do, Part 1
4)  What Happy Couples Do, Part 2
5)  What Happy Couples Do, Part 3
6)  A System To Help