Save Your Marriage Podcast

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Don’t Fall for Bad Advice
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

"I'll do anything" is NOT a plan to save your marriage!I wish this only happened every now and then.

Imagine, for a second, that someone is working on saving their marriage.  In this case, they have chosen  to use my System.  And they are making progress! (Yay!)

Then… they decide to do something else… add something on… try to “spice up” their approach.  And suddenly, their efforts fall apart.

The other day, I was talking with someone who falls into this approach.  Making great progress using my material.  Then losing all progress when they added on some more “save your marriage” stuff they found on the internet.

“I guess your approach doesn’t work,” this person said.  I pointed out that my approach was, in fact, working… until they stopped using it and went with pretty much the exact opposite of what I recommend.

No surprise, but their spouse was confused.  And this person said, “I don’t get it!  It was supposed to save my marriage!”

I asked, “Did you ‘look under the hood’ to see what was behind that approach?  Did you wonder if it is compatible with what you were already doing?”  I knew the answer before I asked, and I could tell I was correct from the confused “umm… I… well… uh… what do you mean?” that I heard back.

Let me be the first to say, there is some great information out there on saving your marriage.

And there is also a lot of steaming piles of 💩 out there!  But when someone is desperate to save their marriage, it is sometimes tempting to jump onto some “great idea” out there.  But that isn’t a great approach… if you want to be successful.

You have to manage that mess… or “Gatekeep” what is coming your way.  And that is what we talk about on this week’s episode.  I discuss what works and what doesn’t, how to distinguish between them, and how to gatekeep yourself, so that you save your marriage!

Listen below.

 

RELATED RESOURCES:
My Approach
My Books
My System

On The Team??
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

You DO know you are on the same team, right??One more argument.  One more struggle.  They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to… win… well, to be honest, I don’t know what they were trying to win.  Because they were not winning at marriage!

I stopped them, looked at them and said, “You do know you are on the same team…” and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, “… right??”

They certainly were not working like a team.  They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other.  They were struggling to win.  But either one “winning” would be a “lose” for the marriage.

Too many people miss this one essential — crucial — fact about marriage… you both are on the same team.  You are working toward a common goal (or should be).  The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family.

This is the fundamental point of being what I call a “WE.”  WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other’s back; WE are a team!  Same side, same direction (or should be).

Listen to this episode for how to get on the same team!

RELATED RESOURCES:
Connecting
Being A WE
Conflict
Save The Marriage System

 

2 Big Fears and Insecurities
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Relationship fears and insecurities: intimacy and abandonment.Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!

But what about relationship fears?  Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?

Yep, we all have them.  2 basic fears.  And those 2 fears?  They pull against each other.  One can trigger the other in couples.  We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other.  And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse.

Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other.

Those two fears?

  • Fear of Intimacy
  • Fear of Abandonment

Let’s talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage.

RELATED RESOURCES
Fears That Get In Your Way
Importance of Connection
3 Simple Step Book
Save The Marriage System

Games Couples Play
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Games Couples PlayGames should be fun.  But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun.

These are patterns of interaction and communication.

The design is to get a need met.  But behind it is a dysfunction.  It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects.  It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs.  It may be a false expectation of how things should be.  But somewhere is a false belief.

And that false belief — along with the effort to fulfill that belief — is what leads to the (destructive) game.

Are you playing one of these games?

RELATED RESOURCES
You Need To Show UP!
Connection Matters
Save The Marriage System

 

Hot or Cold??
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Is your marriage crisis marked by heated struggles or cold distance? Does it matter ? Does it change your approach to saving your marriage?Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance?  Hot or cold?

Are they really that different?  Or is it all a part of the same process?  And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?

During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each.  In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen.

In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me.  Both refused to listen to the other.

The underlying issues were the same.  The emotional temperature was different.  Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level.  And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting.

What is the difference between the heat and the cold?  How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage?  Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process?  The same path?

We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Why Connection Matters
Changing Yourself
Learning About Anger
Grab the Save The Marriage System

Blame… who’s the problem??
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Am I the problem in my marriage? Did I cause the marital problems? Did I make the marriage crisis happen?"Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!”  Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault.  Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that.  People search about that on my blog.  People write me to ask that same question.  Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem?  Did you cause the problem?  Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault.  They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives.  One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame.  The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective.  Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question:  “Am I the Problem?”

RELATED RESOURCES
Showing Up
Blame & Shame
Ruining Today with Yesterday
How To NOT Save Your Marriage
How TO Save Your Marriage — System

Hopeful or Hopeless??
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

A hopeless spouse can’t see a way forward, a way to save the marriage. But what IS hope? How can you hold onto hope, in the face of a struggling spouse? We discuss it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.Miranda asked me, “What do I do?  My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too.”

A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond.  One of those barriers is hopelessness.

But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope?

There is an equation of hope:  hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there.

If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless.  Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action.

There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope.  So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward.

Listen to the episode below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Book, Beyond the 3 Barriers — Covers hopelessness!

Save The Marriage System
Coaching Services
Moving Forward… One Way or the Other
Stuck in the Negative
The Fatal Triangle

When the Holidays Get Heavy: Marriage Crisis
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dealing with the heaviness of the holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd.”

What a loss!  She would be losing out!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.

Listen below.

 

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Gratitude and Marriage
How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage
Ghosts of Marriage Past
Holidays and Marriage
Save The Marriage System

Did Your Therapist Go Straight To Divorce??
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

The therapist announced that the marriage was over and there was no hope. She told the client that she needed to accept it. What happened? Why did it happen? What now?“In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it,” Claire wrote.

I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)

Here is what happened:  Claire wanted to save her marriage.  Her husband thought it was over.  Claire convinced him to go to therapy.  But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it.

Claire was shocked.  No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible.  Just a declaration that the marriage was over… not from her husband, but from the therapist!

I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story… but I have heard it over and over.  Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first?

Let’s talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy… and what to do about them.

RELATED RESOURCES
Can Therapy Help?
The Dangers of Marital Therapy
Myths of Marital Therapy

What Your Therapist Won’t Tell You
Am I Against Therapy?

How To Start
System To Save Your Marriage
CLICK TO EMAIL A QUESTION

 

Don’t tell. Here’s why…
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Why you should not tell your friends and family about your marriage crisis.I know.  It’s tempting.  Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it.  Maybe your friends would be good to tell.  Or maybe your family can listen.  Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to “talk some sense” into your spouse.

Don’t.  Stop.  Think again before you share.

Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around.

You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love.  And you might get support.  But that support likely includes siding with you.  And if someone sides with you, they will likely side against your spouse.

When you talk to someone about a problem with someone else, you create a “triangle,” to use a term from communication experts.  And that triangle may feel good and feel more stable.  But it complicates the original conflict and issues.

And that often serves to further undermine the relationship… along with the chances for recovery.

Does that mean that you can’t get help and support?

Nope.  You just want to go about getting support the right way.

I discuss the reasons why NOT to tell others about your marriage problems in this week’s podcast episode… along with who TO tell.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Conflict and Marriage
Communication Is Not The Issue
Anxiety and Anger in a Crisis
Chronic To Crisis
Save The Marriage System