Save Your Marriage Podcast

Find the Save Your Marriage Podcast right here!

Discouraged? Here is what to do (5 things)…
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Are you discouraged?  Are you feeling your efforts are failing?  Most people feel the same thing.  Here are the 5 things to do when you are discouraged.Discouraged?

You are trying to save your marriage and… you can’t get traction.  You move a little ahead, only to slide backward.  Steps forward and steps backward.

And that is why you are discouraged.

Am I right?

What if I told you that was the nature of the process?  What if I told you that almost everyone has moments of frustration?

Most people feel like giving up (and many do) at various points in their efforts.  This is not a process that follows a steady line of progress.  It is more a tangled line, running up and down.

This is important work.  And that is what makes it so tough.  Important things often feel the most frustrating… especially when they are not going the way you want them to go.  But, and let me say this again, it is important work, saving your marriage.

Let me tell you the 5 things to do when you are discouraged, to help you keep moving forward.  Listen to the episode below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
“Can I Save My Marriage?”
You Need a Plan
You Need a Team
You Need a System:  Save The Marriage System

2 Actions that Do More Harm than Good
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Two actions many people do when their marriage is in crisis, that only cause more harm. If you want to save your marriage, don’t do this!You know that your marriage is in trouble. Your spouse said so. Maybe it was the “things have to change” speech. Or maybe it was the “I love you, but I’m not in love” speech. Or maybe it was a request to separate or even divorce.

It comes into clear focus. Sure, you knew things weren’t great. But you thought they would improve, that you would find your way back together. Instead, the reality is crashing in.

Your marriage is in trouble.

What do you do? How do you respond?

There are 2 actions that I see over and over again. Both of them, while well intentioned, actually make things worse. Instead of improvement, the crisis only deepens. The chance of recovery only plummets.

And you only wanted to turn things around!

Wrong actions, even with the best of intentions, can cause more damage than good.

I cover the dangerous actions in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
The No Contact Rule is CRAP
The Importance of Connection
Don’t Chase!
There is no PAUSE BUTTON
Healing Disconnection
The Save The Marriage System
My Books

“You’ll Never Change!!”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

“You’ll Never Change” and other lies said in frustration.Has your spouse said that to you?: “You’ll NEVER change!”

Maybe it was at the end of yet another argument, another struggle, another disagreement. Perhaps it was at the end of another failed attempt to do things differently.

If you have tried to change and have failed (meaning, every single human alive!), then maybe you wonder whether it is even possible to change. Is it just too hard, too deep, too “baked in”?

Or can we actually change? Can we actually make some changes in our life to be better, do better, and love better?

Since January tends to be a month were people make (and break) resolutions, I thought that maybe we should look at the potential for change. And especially in terms of making your marriage better, of being a better partner.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I let you in on whether change is possible (it is), why people fail at it, and how to actually make real changes.  Listen below.

 

RELATED RESOURCES:
My Books
My Save The Marriage System
The Husband Bootcamp
Why Your Spouse Doesn’t See A Change (free training)
“I’ve Changed” and Other Things NOT to Say (free training)

A Marriage Crisis and Holiday Season
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dealing with the heaviness of the holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd.”

What a loss!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Gratitude and Marriage
How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage
Ghosts of Marriage Past
Holidays and Marriage
Save The Marriage System

Is Self-Growth a Threat to Marriage?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Self-expansion in marriage: learning and growing together and as individuals.“I just outgrew you,” he said to her in my office.  But as we talked, I was not convinced that he had actually “outgrown” her.  But it was clear that neither felt supported in their own personal growth.  He said, “You stifle me,” and she answered, “You never care about my interests.”

And both were right.

But both missed the opportunity — self-expansion as a part of the relationship.  They could both grow, both explore, and still stay married.

Recent research has shown that one of the leading contributors to unhappiness in marriage (and risk for infidelity) is a lack of opportunity for self-expansion in the relationship.

Great term, “self-expansion.”  In a world of “self-growth” and “self-development,” the idea is a bit broader.  Self-growth/development focuses on psychological or spiritual change.  But what about just exploring the world and widening your horizons?  Well, self-expansion encompasses both self-development and trying new things out.

Does your relationship support both of your opportunities for self-expansion (within the boundaries of the relationship)?  Is there room for growing?  Support for growing?  Sharing new experiences together?  Sharing your passions for individual interests?  Those are the elements of self-expansion within marriage.

Learn more in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

RELATED RESOURCES
What Happy Couples Do Differently
Working On Yourself
Showing Up
Responsibility
System to Save Your Marriage

Are You Trying To Earn Love Back?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Saving your marriage is NOT about earning back your spouse's love.Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is — earning back the love (and even trust).

The short answer is NO, that is not the goal.

A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship.

That is my topic for this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast: why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse’s love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead.

Your marriage can be saved. But not by trying to earn back your spouse’s love.

Can the love return to your marriage? Absolutely.

But that doesn’t mean it is the goal of the process.

(Love isn’t earned. It is given.)

Listen to the podcast episode below for more on this important topic

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Connection and Marriage
Building A WE
Forgiveness and Marriage
Save The Marriage System

Gratitude and a Marriage Crisis
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How to find gratitude in the midst of crisis, marriage or otherwise.Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States. The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us.

Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks?

Yep.

In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yes, it is important every day. But when your life is upside-down, gratitude can help you get it rightside-up.

Is it easy?

Nope.

Is it important?

Yep. So, let’s talk about finding gratitude (not just having gratitude, but finding it) in the midst of a crisis.

Need more on being thankful and feeling gratitude? Listen here and here.

And you can find the Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

“Is This MY Fault??”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Am I the problem in my marriage? Did I cause the marital problems? Did I make the marriage crisis happen?"Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question: “Am I the Problem?”

RELATED RESOURCES
Showing Up
Blame & Shame
Ruining Today with Yesterday
How To NOT Save Your Marriage
How TO Save Your Marriage — System

Why Forgive?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

canyouforgiveorwillyoustaystucksaveyourmarriagePeople hear me talk about forgiving (I wrote a book on it).  Then they ask, “why should I have to forgive?” Ironically, my point was that forgiving frees the forgiver.

I tackle forgiveness in-depth for this week’s podcast. In fact, I give you a 6 step process of how to forgive. But of course, this is only helpful if you think you want to forgive. I start the podcast by clarifying what I mean by forgiveness, and why I think it is so important. (Hint: not forgiving is like having a systemic infection that will eat away at the rest of your life.)

The catch is, as C.S. Lewis said, “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.” When we have been injured, the idea of forgiving is not philosophical, and it can feel overwhelming.

Join me as we explore why to forgive and ways to forgive.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Why Apologize
How to Apologize
Book:  The Forgive Process
Program:  Save The Marriage

Can Separation Save (or Cost You) a Marriage?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Can separation save a marriage?You want to save your marriage.  Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it.  That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.

And so, I often have the question asked, “Should we separate?  Will a separation save my marriage?”

Can a separation save a marriage?

Short answer:  yes, it can.

Longer answer:  a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely.  And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction.

Some recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced.  In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce.

I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage.  It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help.

But here is the thing:  if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution.  And yes, you can find “fans” of separation.  There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage.

Those people are ignoring the statistics.

They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict. More often than not, a separation amounts to a “trial divorce.”

But are there better solutions?  Absolutely. Here is one.

In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic — so that you understand that.  I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort.  Listen below for help with separation.

 

RESOURCES:
Article on Separating
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)