Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 18 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

How Fear Hijacks Your Marriage: Poly Vagal Theory

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg August 5, 2020 August 3, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 5, 2020

Your ancestors, way, way back, survived because they were more fearful than their peers. Because of their fear, they survived, while the less fearful fell to threats. Over time, this means that we naturally inherited overly-developed fear responses.

It doesn’t take much to trigger fear and anxiety. Your heart races, your breathing quickens, your voice tightens, and your muscles flex, waiting for the fight or the flight. Waiting to take on the threat or get away from the threat.

That’s an important skill on the savannah or in the jungle. It even has some applicability for cities and in the woods. But it is less helpful in your workplace. And even less helpful in your love relationships.

We can quickly go from zero to 100, even when there really is no threat… just a trigger to your threat response.

How can you understand this? How would a deeper understanding of this fight/flight response help?

First, you can recognize when the threat response is triggered. Second, there are ways to more quickly de-threat your body, when you recognize it is not a necessary response.

In recent years, the Poly Vagal Theory has gained credibility and usefulness. And that is the topic for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I had the good fortune of interviewing Deb Dana, an expert on the theory (and a skilled clinician in applying it in therapy) for another program I created, but wanted to share it with you.

If you have experienced the fight/flight response with your spouse, finding yourself trapped in a quickly escalating and rapidly disintegrating communication pattern, pay attention.

If you feel the threat feelings when you know it shouldn’t feel threatening, you need to pay attention.

Listen below.

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How to Get the Love You Want

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 29, 2020

Why did you fall in love with your spouse? Why do people fall in love with the person they fall in love?

And perhaps even more importantly for our time together, why do those same relationships cause such pain? How can love turn painful and hurtful?

Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt have been on the forefront of helping hurting marriages for decades. In 1988, their seminal book, Getting The Love You Want, came out to great acclaim. It was an international best-seller.

In that book (now revised), Harville and Helen reveal their Imago Theory of why we fall in love, and why it can either be hurtful or healing. They also provide exercises for couples to explore their own Imago relating, to help with healing and health.

Some time ago, Harville and Helen gave me some of their time to share their thoughts and direction on how to create a loving relationship. This interview was originally part of a special program. But I decided to share it with you, because of the powerful information they shared.

Listen below to discover how understanding your Imago and help heal your marriage.

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Why These Approaches Are Dangerous (2 to avoid)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 22, 2020

I just googled, “how to save your marriage.” There were 607,000,000. Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?

It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.

And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even approach it?

I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed. And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff. I remember when Google started. That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results. Still a lot. But far more manageable.

With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm. Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start. Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing. And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good. There are two that are particularly prevalent. And at best, not helpful.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below.

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How to be the Bigger Victim

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 15, 2020

Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.

Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.

Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can. But their spouse….

It is quite a game. Not one that either person is enjoying. Yet both are playing.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it. Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to. That game ends with 3 losers: You, your spouse, and your marriage.

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What CAN One Person Do?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 8, 2020

Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it?

I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it.

But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married?

I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone? This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out. This is not accurate. And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don’t. They walk away in defeat.

So, what CAN you do? First, I tackle what you CAN’T do. Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now).

Listen below.

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Escaping the Attraction – breaking free from the affair partner

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 1, 2020

Another listener question is the topic of this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. The question focuses on an affair… and leaving it. What do you do about the strong attraction that can develop with the affair partner?

What if your brain is telling you the feelings are real… and if they are there, maybe it was meant to be? What if you keep wondering if the affair partner is your “soulmate,” and you messed up with marrying your spouse?

Or what if these are the questions of your spouse? That your spouse is trying to break free, but keeps falling back into the thoughts (and arms) of the affair partner?

How do you break free?

Can you break free?

You can. And your marriage can be filled with the connection you were missing.

How?

Listen in to this week’s episode below.

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The Differences Between Happy and Hurting Marriages

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 24, 2020

Marriages start at the same place: two people in love, ready to face the world together. And most believe they have already beaten the odds. Their love is “the real thing,” enduring and lasting. It won’t fall apart like those other marriages. They have already won.

Except they haven’t.

Some marriages keep on moving forward, resolute and solid, loving and supportive. But many hit an inflection point. They go from happy to hurting.

And many times, they can’t find their way back… mostly because they don’t know what the difference was; what made the difference between happy and hurting.

Interestingly, most people name differences that don’t make a difference between happy and hurting. What they assume makes a difference, doesn’t.

Instead, there are 4 differences that do matter. And here is what is important: they can be changed. Once you understand the 4 differences between a hurting and happy marriage, you can shift toward happy. They are learnable skills, once identified.

Listen below for the 4 differences that don’t matter and the 4 differences that do. They make the difference between happy and hurting.

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Service or Repair?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 17, 2020

My car is in for service. Usually, that means I am in their lounge, trying my best to work with daytime TV blaring in the background. But due to COVID, I decided to leave it there and head for home. Now, I am just waiting for the call to pick it up.

It’s just regular maintenance today (fingers crossed). But there were other cars there for repairs.

Which had me thinking….

What does service mean for a relationship? How about repair for a marriage?

The more I thought about it, the more the metaphor fit. If I do regular maintenance on my car, it by no means guarantees that it won’t break down. But it does increase the chances of avoiding a roadside breakdown.

Let’s be fair: even the best-maintained vehicles can still break down, still need a repair. But let’s also be clear that if you have maintained your relationship, it is far less likely to need a repair, and far less likely that it will be costly (I can attest to this after the demise of my first car).

Well-maintained marriages are far less likely to hit a crisis — a breakdown. And if they do hit a crisis, they are better equipped to deal with the crisis and the outcome.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover the process of marriage maintenance (5 steps) and what to do when it is repair time. Listen below.

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How to Deepen Your Connection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 10, 2020

The #1 reason people sought me out for couples counseling: “We are just not connected.” The #1 reason why marriages end up failing: “We are just too disconnected.”

What happened? That connection you had at the beginning of your marriage… where did it go?

I can tell you the biggest reason why couples become disconnected: life gets in the way. Or more correctly, couples let life get in the way. They hit the “pause button” on the relationship. Because of kids, the career, schooling, hobbies, friends… lots of reasons.

They just didn’t know there is no such thing as a pause button. Either your relationship is growing or receding. There is no pause.

Still, they hit pause… and their marriage begins to disconnect. Then, reconnecting seems so hard. It is pushing against the inertia created. It starts feeling like one more “have to” that is shuffled off to the back, last in line. The marriage stays “paused,” and the relationship continues to decline.

How DO you deepen your connection? That is the topic on this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.

I discuss the 3 levels of connection, and why it is so easy at the beginning… and then gets hard. I also note the 2 characteristics you need in order to build the connection between you and your spouse.

And then, I introduce you to a couple who have created a fun way to build connection with your spouse. Don’t miss that discussion!

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Survival Rules for Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 3, 2020

Your marriage is in trouble. You know you want to save your relationship, but you aren’t sure how.

Step #1 is surviving.

Confession: I have an abiding interest in survival. I’m the guy who reads all the scuba accident reports, the shark attack reports, and the mountaineering accident reports.

Why do those who survive make it through? What makes a difference for them?

They followed, on purpose or by accident, “rules” of surviving. Those rules can help you, too.

Your first task is to survive. That gives you time to take more action. Those actions are designed to rescue your relationship. In fact, that is one rule I cover… being the rescuer. Check it out in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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