Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 20 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Moving Forward… One Way or The Other…

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 18, 2019 September 9, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 18, 2019

“I need some encouragement,” the note ended. The writer is a listener of my podcast and admitted the hard work that has gone into trying to save his marriage.

At the same time, another listener asked about whether this effort — the work to save her marriage — was just a “waste of time.” Could I, the writer wanted to know, point to some hope? Some reason to continue the efforts.

If you haven’t felt like these two writers, I’d be surprised. And would be super-surprised if it did not emerge at some point in the process.

Working on a marriage crisis can feel like a slow slog through a deep bog, hip-high in quicksand and sludge. It can feel like it threatens to pull you under.

Those are the times we need some encouragement and direction. Some… as one asked… hope, and as the other asked… encouragement.

I don’t believe in false hope. I tell it like it is… and encourage you to take the steps you need to take. I shoot straight and tell the truth. So, first, let me say that I do not (and have never) claim that every marriage can be saved. Even if you do everything right, your spouse may still refuse to move toward the relationship.

I also know that there are two good outcomes. First is to save your marriage. Second is to rest assured that you did everything you could do to save your marriage.

My encouragement: There is one way through this. And that is THROUGH this. Regardless of outcome, YOU WILL BE OK. And YOU get to choose how you respond to this and every other challenge in life. So respond the best you can. Do your best. Rest in that knowledge.

Oh, and make sure you prepare yourself to do your best. Equip and execute. You’ve GOT this!

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Depression And Your Marriage Crisis

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 11, 2019

Lately on the podcast, I have been answering listener questions. And quite a few have come in about how depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or… and this is more central to the question… how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis?

Depression is a reality for many people. And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times.

The question is how you move through both crises: depression and a marriage crisis.

In this podcast, I discuss the effects of depression, some thoughts about causation, and how to deal with the depression while addressing the relationship crisis.

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The Affair… and The Aftermath

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 4, 2019

Question: does an affair cause marital problems or do marital problems cause affairs?

Answer: YES.

Longer answer: for the majority of affairs, weak points in the marriage create a vulnerability to infidelity. There is another necessary element… but problems do cause vulnerability. But when infidelity is committed, the problem deepens. Affairs end up creating both a personal and a marital crisis… often for both spouses.

And then, there is the aftermath… what comes AFTER the affair is ended.

In this episode of the podcast, I tackle two submitted questions:

“What causes an affair? Why did it happen in OUR marriage?”

and

“What is the typical aftermath in an affair for the spouse who broke it off?”

In these two cases, the questions are not academic. They are wound up in the marital crisis that is unwinding… or stuck… and infidelity is a major issue.

If you are in the midst of a marital crisis, your relationship could be vulnerable… and if your spouse (or you) has committed infidelity, this can help you understand what might happen when the affair is ended.

Listen below.

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“How Long?” Trust, Trauma, and Towels

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 28, 2019

I’m still answering your questions! If you have a question you want me to cover on the podcast, just SEND ME AN EMAIL HERE.

Today, we cover “time.” Or more specifically, “How Long?” The questions come from 2 listeners, “B” and “J.”

B asked about how long it takes to recover from broken trust. He follows up with wondering about PTSD symptoms and breaking trust. If your relationship suffers from broken trust, I cover the issue of healing time… and what you can do about that time.

I also go into some discussion about trust and trauma, to make sure you understand how that might affect your relationship.

And J is interested in how long to keep up the efforts before you “throw in the towel.” J says that they are in a “lock.” I disagree, and I cover how to think through the stuck spot… what it means, why you might be wrong, and how to keep on moving forward.

Trauma, Time, and Towels. I cover them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Don’t miss it! Listen below.

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Disrespect and Boundaries

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 21, 2019

“A” has been trying to set boundaries with her husband. Trying to get the treatment she deserves. Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot.

But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way… rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone. What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks.

During the last few episodes of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I’ve been tackling your questions — questions submitted by listeners. (If you have a question for consideration, email it to me HERE.)

In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names. But what about those less-clear actions — using a “you’re so stupid” tone (note that this requires you to read a tone… not always a good thing to try).

Sometimes, boundaries are clear. You know how to set them. I even have a whole chapter on it in the primary module of Save The Marriage System.

But when it is more subtle… a little harder to pin down. And a little harder to call someone on. What about that?

I cover it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Work on Me, Work on WE?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 14, 2019

What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves… and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage? What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage?

That is the question of the week, asked by Sam. He said his wife wants to better herself. Then, maybe she would address the marriage.

As part of my series, answering your questions, I want to address this one. Because it might just be YOUR question, too! (If not, you can SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE.)

Many times, when a marriage is in trouble, a spouse (or maybe you) just won’t address the relationship issues, insisting they (or you) need to work on themselves (or yourself) before looking at the marriage.

The binary question: “work on me or work on WE?” stands out. But does it have to be so binary. Is it really one or the other? Or is there another way to approach this?

If you try to force a spouse to work on the relationship, that won’t work… and might make things better. So, what CAN you do?

Listen to this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast for my response.

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How Do You Know If Things Are Improving?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 7, 2019

Phil asked, “How do you know you are making progress?” And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, “how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me.”

Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions. They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship. What to look for? And what to do if those signs are not there?

This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball… or asking the magic mirror. But these are such important questions that I wanted to answer Phil’s questions… at least as much as I can. There are lots of dynamics and subtleties to a marriage and a spouse, it can be hard to be precise.

But I want to discuss some signs to look for, both in when there is progress and when it is becoming unhealthy.

Listen in for details in this episode of the podcast.

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“Is ‘Trying’ Disrespectful?” – When A Spouse Wants Out

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 31, 2019

“Gem” wrote me after a recent episode of my podcast. In that episode, a therapist said, after one single session (where divorce had not been mentioned) that the client needed to prepare for divorce.

In Gem’s case, her husband used therapy as the excuse that they “had tried therapy but it didn’t work.” But he went further, saying that if Gem did not go along with his desire to divorce, it amounted to her disregarding (and disrespecting) his emotions.

I would have said, “WHAT??”, except I have heard the same thing over and over.

Often enough that I have even wondered if some Pro-Divorce “expert” had given that as the secret recipe to shift a spouse out of “save the marriage mode.” (Yes, those folks do exist… and yes, spouses do find them… and use them to arm against staying married — as if you need to arm against that!!)

What does it mean when a spouse says, “You are disrespecting my feelings by trying to save our marriage”? And what do you do? IS it disrespectful? SHOULD you just go along and give up?

I cover it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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“Why Should I Even Try?” – When Discouragement Hits… Hard

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 24, 2019

Several people have asked me the same thing: “What if I am not even sure I want to save my marriage? I am so frustrated and discouraged, I feel like quitting… not even trying.”

It is a great question!

(By the way, if you want to submit a question for me to consider answering on a future podcast, email to [email protected])

Let’s be honest: it can be a frustrating and discouraging process. Sometimes, people think I say the process is easy. But in my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, I use the word, “Simple.” That is not the same as easy. Just direct. Simple. (Only 3 steps.)

Many people, in a fit of frustration, a moment of anger, give up and walk away… only to regret it just a little further down the road.

Which is why I suggest you think about your decision a bit differently. I suggest you assess your reasons as part of your plan, and as a touch-point when things are difficult (and they will be). Because many times, the difficulty comes when people are close to success… they just didn’t know it.

If you are discouraged (or want to avoid being discouraged), listen in on this episode of the podcast, as I explore “Why Even Try???”

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When Your Spouse Can’t See A Way Forward – Limiting Beliefs

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 17, 2019

We all have limiting beliefs. You… me… and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ’s question about how to deal with her spouse’s belief that “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.” I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

(Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE — let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I’ll try to answer!)

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