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Save Your Marriage Podcast

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Love Is NOT Effortless
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Authentic love is the basis of a lasting marriage.Maybe you have heard these lines:

  • “Love should just happen.”
  • “This is just too much work.”
  • “I’m not feeling it, so it must not be true love.”
  • “I just don’t feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel.  Something is wrong.”

Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself?  You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says — even if it goes against what you (think you) believe.

Our notions about love are like that.  And unfortunately, those romanticized notions of love are what we grow up on.  We are fed them by movies, books, songs, and culture.

But Authentic Love is different.  It is not devoid of romance.  It is just not based on it.  Romanticized love is based on 4 unsustainable elements.  Authentic Love is based on 4 sustainable elements, and in your control.

“I’m not feeling it” is not a reason to end a marriage.  It is a reason to reconsider the working definition of love.

Don’t be sucked in by the view of love in the movies, in the books, in songs, and that others around you might have.  It is dangerous, and misguided.

(No, I am not against romance — unless it is used as the “litmus test” of a relationship.  Otherwise, it is great!)

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:
Interview with Bob Grant
The Save The Marriage System
Apply to the Virtual Coaching Program

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How To Move From Discouraged To Courageous
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How to move from discouraged to courageous.I heard it for the first time the other day.  It happened when a client was telling me about feeling discouraged.

That word, “discouraged,” hit me.

Dis-couraged.  To lose courage.

We can be discouraged, losing our courage.  We can be encouraged, taking courage in.  And we can act courageously — act, in spite of fear.

Courage is not the absence of fear.  It is choosing to act, to do what is right or good, even in the face of fear.

“Courage” comes from a Latin word, “cor,” which means “heart.”

You see, courage comes from the heart, from our core being.  Courage comes from an inner strength, an understanding of what needs to be done.

Have you been discouraged?

Learn the 6 steps back to COURAGE.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Why To Save Your Marriage
Having A Plan To Save Your Marriage
The 3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage
The Save The Marriage System
Email Me About Virtual Coaching

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3 Ways You Are Stuck (And How To Get Un-Stuck)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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3 ways you are stuck and how to get unstuck.You want to save your marriage.  But it feels like you are “stuck in the muck.”  You can’t get moving.

It may feel like paralysis — nothing will move.  It may feel like frustration — pushing against something, but with no progress.  It may feel like the engine is revving, but you are stuck in neutral.

In the end, all amount to the same situation:  no movement, no change.

Why is that?  Why are you stuck?

I would suggest there are 3 reasons:

  1. You don’t know what to do.  Or,
  2. You don’t know how to do it. Or,
  3. You are scared to do it!

The first 2 are all about gaining knowledge, gaining understanding.  The 3rd is simply choosing to let go of the fear.

Don’t let the feeling of fear keep you from the action of importance!

Fear is simply pointing to something important.  It is NOT a warning of what to avoid.  Don’t treat it that way.  Move through it.

Let’s talk through the 3 reasons you are stuck, and the way to get through each one.  Listen below!

Resources Mentioned In The Podcast:
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Resources on Rebuilding Connection
The Save The Marriage System
Why You Need A Plan To Save Your Marriage
Discovering the REAL Reasons You Are Saving Your Marriage
Virtual Coaching With Me

 

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What Happened To The Dream?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What happened to the marriage dream?Every marriage starts with such promise, such expectation.

Remember that day?  You promised to stick together through good and bad days, rich and poor days, sick and healthy days.

And you knew you would.

Then, things began to deteriorate.

But do you remember that time when you believed, “Not us.  We won’t have problems.  We won’t face divorce.”

And here you are.

What happened?

What happened to the dream?

There are 5 core reasons why the dream dies.  If you know the reasons, you can also begin working backward to heal the problems and. . . regain the dream.

Reclaim your dream of your marriage.

Let me tell you the 4 things you need to do in order to reclaim the dream.

Listen below.

 

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Bad Marriage Advice! Don’t Say This!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't say "I Will Change." Bad advice!There is a plethora of marriage advice out there.  Much of it promises to save your marriage.  Some of it is good.  Some is fine.  And some is dangerous.

The other day, I was reading an article by someone, proclaiming 3 words that would save your marriage.

That caught my attention!  And then, it caught my ire.  The advice was bad.

At best, the suggestion will do little to help your marriage.  At worst, it will cause more resistance to your efforts to actually save your marriage.

Here is the 3 words to NOT say:  “I will change.”  Those are the 3 words, promised to stop a divorce.

And those 3 words will either “fall on deaf ears,” or greatly increase the anger and frustration of your spouse.

Why?

I share my thoughts on this in the free audio podcast below.

If you don’t listen, at least heed my advice and avoid saying “I will change.”  Listen, though, for some better suggestions.

And when you are ready to take action, check out my Save The Marriage System.

 

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The 3 C’s Of Saving Your Marriage: #80 Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The 3 C's of saving your marriage.What you do to save your marriage is important.

But HOW you do it is crucial.

Over the years, I have coached many people to approach their efforts to save their marriage with 3 very clear mandates.

I have come to refer to these as the 3 C’s of saving your marriage.

This is not technique, but how you apply any technique.  This is not method, but how you apply any method you choose.

Violate any of the 3 C’s, and you will find it difficult to move forward.

What are the 3 C’s?

  1. Calm
  2. Constant
  3. Consistent

To learn more on how to master these 3 C’s (especially on how to approach your efforts calmly, when you are feeling fearful and anxious), listen to the audio podcast.

Links to information in the podcast:
Your Why For Saving Your Marriage
Why You Need A Plan
The Save The Marriage System
Email Me Regarding Virtual Coaching

 

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An Interview with Rhoberta Shaler: Kaizen For Couples
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Kaizen is the idea of slow, constant change.  It revolutionized the Japanese auto industry, and can be applied to your life.  You can look for those places of growth, opportunities for change.  They don’t have to be earth-shattering.  They can be gradual.

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler

Today, I have the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Rhoberta Shaler.  Rhoberta has worked for over 3 decades with couples and individuals around the world.  She has expertise in high-conflict relationships, and is skilled in helping people deal with passive-aggressive behavior.

Dr. Shaler has an intimate understanding of passive-aggressive behavior, having witnessed it in her own family as a child.  This has given her empathy for people who act in passive aggressive ways, and those whom must deal with it.

More recently, Rhoberta has developed a system for couples to use, who wish to break through old patterns and form more healthy approaches to their relationship.

kaizenforcouplesIn her book, Kaizen for Couples, Rhoberta gives a full methodology of how couples can shift their patterns of interaction, to be more genuine and honest — and to better meet each other’s needs.

In our discussion together, Rhoberta and I talk about high conflict relationships, dealing with passive aggressive behavior, and how to make constant changes toward growth in a relationship — even if only one person wants to take on the shifts.

Join me as I interview Dr. Rhoberta Shaler.

 

Links mentioned in the podcast:
RelationshipHelpDoctor.com
HighConflictManagement.com
PassiveAggressiveChecklist.com

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Why You Need A PLAN To Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Do you have a plan to save your marriage?Do you have a plan to save your marriage?

Not an idea, floating around in your head.

But a plan.

Written down.

I have been asking this question for years, especially when someone tells me their marriage isn’t turning around.

90% tell me they DON’T have a plan.  I tell them, “that is the starting point.”

If you don’t have a plan, you don’t have a map.  If you don’t have a map, it is tough to get to where you want to get.

I know:  you have books, CD’s, DVD’s, study courses, articles, and all sorts of other information on how to save your marriage.

Information is just data.  When you take that information and process it (think and ponder about it) about your current situation, you arrive at knowledge.  Contrary to popular opinion, knowledge is not power.  It has no power until you apply it.

When you apply knowledge, and you keep applying it — learning from it and allowing it to transform you, then you arrive at wisdom!

But if you have no plan — no written plan for how you plan to save your marriage — the information is just information.  Interesting.  But not transforming.

In this week’s audio, I discuss several reasons why a written plan is so important, and how to get started on your plan.

Remember this quote, as it applies to having a plan:

Consult your plan, not your emotions.

Whenever you allow your emotions to call the shots, you will end up with those who see no change.  But when you consult your plan (you do have a plan, right?), new possibilities emerge.

Time to make a plan!

Here are the resources I mention in the podcast:
The Save The Marriage System (if you don’t have this, you need it, so you can start making your plan!)
Finding Your Why
[email protected] (If you are interested in the Virtual Coaching Program — limited availability!)

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3 Reasons Why Your Marriage Isn’t Turning Around
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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3 Reasons why your marriage hasn't turned around yet.

Your spouse told you your marriage was in trouble.

You responded.

You did your research, perhaps found some information, and decided to save your marriage.

Now, you are beginning to wonder, “Is this marriage ever going to improve?  Will it turn around?  Can I save my marriage?”

Sometimes, people put forth some effort and see some immediate results.  They see improvement in their relationship and in their own lives.  It seems that the marriage crisis dissipates as quickly as it descended.

But others, countless others, find this not to be the case.  They put in effort, they keep working on themselves. . . and nothing seems to be changing.

Why?

In my experience, there are 3 central reasons why a marriage has not (yet) turned around.

What if you could deal with 2 out of 3 in a straightforward way?  What if the 3rd can be addressed, even if it is far less in your control?  Would that be important information for you?

Here are the 3 reasons:

  1. The Depth of Damage
  2. No True Change in Patterns
  3. There is Someone Else

Let me tell you about these 3 reasons, and what to do in order to have the most successful outcome possible.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

Save The Marriage System
Dealing With Infidelity
6 Month Experiment with Gary Chapman

 

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4 Foundations Of A Forever Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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4 foundations of a forever marriage.I’ve asked the question many times:  “What is the foundation of a strong marriage?”

I usually get the same response:  “love.”

In your mind, please now hear the “Buzzzz” sound, indicating that answer is wrong!

Please understand:  I am not opposed to love.  I deeply love my wife.  I do not believe that a loveless marriage is the aim.

I simply do not believe that love is the foundation of a strong, enduring, lasting, forever marriage.

Here is why:  when love is seen as the foundation, you have nowhere to go when the feelings of love ebb.  Those feelings DO ebb in every relationship.  It is just the nature of such intimate relationships.

And, if you want the real secret, the 4 foundations, when followed, DO lead to love (both the action and the feeling).

What do I mean by “foundation?”  Over the weekend, my wife had HGTV on.  So, by default, I was “watching” the show (I will admit to nothing more than that!).

As is prone to happen on this particular show, they tore down the walls to rebuild — and discovered that things were amiss!  The foundation was failing and the house was sinking.

The foundation is what supports the rest of the structure.  Without a strong foundation, the structure of the house (and a marriage) begins to sink and crumble.  The stronger the foundation, the safer the structure (your relationship and your family).

Here is the good news:  when you understand the foundations, you can spot the weaknesses and either rebuild or reinforce.

Ready to discover the 4 foundations of your forever marriage?  Listen below.

Note:  I mention 2 interviews in the podcast.
HERE is the link to my interview with Gary Chapman.
HERE is the link to my interview with Bob Grant.

 

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