Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 45 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

How To TRULY Change

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg June 17, 2015 May 18, 2015

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 17, 2015

Life is change. Relationships change, we change, the world around us changes.

Yet, for the most part, we humans resist change.

Let’s assume you have now listened to my series on What Happy Couples Do Differently. Let’s further assume that you think it might be even a good idea to move in that direction.

That does raise the question of how to change. You’ve already decided to change.

So, for the next couple of weeks, lets talk about this change.

Real change.

Not just making it look like you are changing. But truly changing.

That change starts from the inside, and works outward. The level of change we are talking about is changing your beliefs, your paradigm, your understanding of the world.

Are you ready?

If you are, let me invite you to learn about my KNAC Protocol of Change. This protocol describes the 3 arenas of change, and how each one builds to a real change.

Listen in on the podcast as I describe the KNAC Protocol and how to begin the process of change.

Resources Referenced:
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 1: Conflict
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 2: Connection
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 3: Companionship
The Save The Marriage System

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How To Move From Shake-Up To Make-Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 9, 2015

Life is going along. Everything seems to be fine. But under the surface, things are not good. You just didn’t know it yet.

Then comes the “shake-up.” You discover things are not going well. Your spouse is unhappy, frustrated, and angry with the situation.

From here, I can predict the direction. At a certain point, you will have to choose whether things continue to spiral toward break-up, or if you will move to make-up.

There are a number of danger points and mistakes along the way.

Can I tell you about the path in front of you, and how to avoid the pitfalls?

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11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Companionship (part 3)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 3, 2015

Happy couples are no different than unhappy couples. They have similar backgrounds, same jobs, same income levels, and same interests.

But they do some things differently. And those differences in how they do conflict, connection, and companionship, make all the difference.

Changes in action lead to changes in trajectory. That leads to changes in outcome.

But what if you could extrapolate those differences, and add them into YOUR relationship.

Well, for the past three episodes, that is what we have been doing.

In the first episode, we looked at how happy couples do conflict differently.

In the second episode, we looked at how happy couples connect with each other differently.

In this week’s episode, we turn to how happy couples treat each other differently, as individuals. This is about how they treasure their companion and protect their relationship.

Successful couples see themselves as a team, a unit, a WE (as I call it). But that WE is made up of two individuals. Those two individuals create the strongest WE when they are strong, themselves. When they develop and grow, the bring that growth and energy into the relationship.

More than that, happy couples create and maintain boundaries around their relationship. They protect and treasure the relationship. They support and treasure each other.

Learn how happy couples treat their companionship in this week’s podcast episode.

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11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Connection (part 2)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 27, 2015

Success leaves a trail. If you want more of something, take a look at those who have what you want.

In this podcast series, we are examining what happy couples do differently than other couples.

Last week, we looked at how happy couples deal with conflict differently.

This week, we examine five ways happy couples connect differently than other couples.

Connection is the lifeblood of a marriage. Without that sense of connection, the relationship atrophies and begins to die.

But there are a group of couples that have learned to stay connected, and build their connection. Learn their secrets in this week’s podcast episode.

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11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Conflict (part 1)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 20, 2015

This week, we start a series on what happy couples do differently than other couples.

Success leaves a trail. Experts have been saying this for decades. If you want to get somewhere, look at people who have gotten there. What do they do differently? How have they managed to get themselves there?

Happy couples are not special. They are no better trained than other couples. They don’t have some special “coupling” gene. They don’t come from better homes. They aren’t “relationship geniuses.”

In fact, they are like all the other couples — except they do some things differently. And those differences result in happy relationships.

So, what are those differences? They are the focus of this series of free audios.

Over the course of the next three podcasts, we will examine 11 things happy couples do differently.

By taking a look at those 11 things, you can see the path. You can see the trail. And you can follow their map.

Over the years, I have noticed a truth: 100% of couples have struggles. Around 50% find a way to work through those struggles. But that doesn’t mean that 50% of couples are happy. Only that they have chosen to stay together.

Couples really fall into 3 categories:

Decide to bail because of the difficulties.
Decide to “hang in there,” and just be miserable.
Decide to learn from the struggles, grow, and build a great relationship.

This series is focused on how couples get to category 3. This is not about “sticking it out,” nor is it about bailing, hoping to find a better option. It is about building a great relationship, where you are and with your spouse.

In this episode, we take a look at 3 ways happy couples deal with conflict differently. Learn their secrets and apply it to your relationship.

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The Bonding Code with Bob Grant

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 13, 2015

Did you know there is a science to bonding?

“Bonding” is what happens when people arrive at the place where they are so connected that they want to be together forever.

Here’s the problem: many people think they have successfully bonded — but they aren’t! The proof is how many marriages get into trouble.

But there is a pattern, a path, a code to bonding. And while you may not navigate each stage, you will pay the price later on. The bond won’t hold.

Sometimes, I try to use Crazy Glue. You know that stuff that is supposed to hold something together forever? Well, in my experience, it doesn’t work — or should I say, I don’t get it to work!

I have to make a confession: I don’t really follow the directions. They are there on the container. You are supposed to clean and prep each side, place some on each side, hold them together, blah, blah, blah.

You see that “blah, blah, blah?” We do the same thing with relationships. Yes, there is a science, and yes, there is a path. But instead of following it, a couple says, “We’ve got this. We know how to do it.”

Strangely, since they have never done it before, I am not sure why they think they “have it.” No surprise that down the road, there is trouble. The “bond” doesn’t hold the two together.

Can it be fixed?

Yes.

Rebonding is possible. But if you are working on re-bonding, maybe it is time to follow the instructions.

Join me, as I interview relationship expert, Bob Grant, on The Bonding Code.

We discuss the process of bonding, and what to do when that process is in trouble.

RESOURCES:
The Bonding Code
Podcast Episode: The Truth About Attraction

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Chasing Is Killing Your Chances

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 6, 2015

Do you find yourself chasing after your spouse? Do you keep wondering why your spouse is so cool, distant, aloof, and emotionally unavailable?

You may be pursuing your spouse, and in unhealthy ways. In fact, your spouse may be running away faster and faster, because your spouse is feeling the pursuit.

Why does this happen? Is it you? Is it your spouse?

Perhaps it is each of you, and perhaps it is both of you together.

Either way, the outcome is rarely positive. You may feel abandoned and your spouse may feel suffocated.

If you are just noticing the tendency to chase after your spouse, it is time to change it, before more harm is done. And if you are working to save your marriage, it is even more important to manage the emotions and the desire to chase.

Learn why this dynamic happens, and what to do to stop it.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:
The Save The Marriage System
The Virtual Coaching Program (email me)

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The War In Your Brain Is Killing Your Marriage!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 29, 2015

There is a war going on. It isn’t between you and your spouse.

It is right between your ears! Your brain is at war with itself.

Well, to be more accurate, there are two parts of your brain that are constantly at odds with each other, both looking for different things.

And the part of your brain we humans are most proud of — that rational, reasonable, logical part — is trying to play referee. . . but not very effectively!

Your lizard brain and your herd brain try to hijack you. Each has a different desire, a different need. And both can end up tripping you up. . . unless you understand the roles of each. And until you learn to listen to each one.

Learn more about how the war in your head can kill your marriage — and what to do about it!

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Love Is A Gift, Not A Transaction!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 22, 2015

You try to show love to your spouse. . . and you get nothing in return. You try to let your spouse know how much you love your spouse. . . and you get nothing back.

Let me say that I do not think it is alright to be in a relationship where none of your needs are met.

But I want to challenge you: are you doing those things, so that your needs will be met?

If so, you are not giving love, you are trying to make a transaction: “I do this for you, so you do that for me.”

That is a recipe for hurt and pain.

Love is a gift. And only when it is freely given can it be accepted without manipulation or expectation.

Let me say that again:

Love is a gift, not a transaction.

Sometimes, I hear a spouse complain, “I always think there are strings attached. It feels so needy and manipulative.” While they can’t quite put there finger on it, this is the reason. Their spouse is doing “loving” things, but not without strings attached, expectations just below the surface.

This behavior often grows into a relationship, contaminating it. At first, you do things because you want the other person to know how much you care. Then, over time, it is more and more about feeling cared for. Maybe it is a hug, hoping for a hug in return. Perhaps it is an “I love you,” so you can be assured of an “I love you” back. Or maybe it is a “backrub,” with hopes and pressure it will lead to more.

Love is a gift, freely given.

Transactions are for businesses and banks.

The gift of love is only felt as love, when it is given with no strings attached.

Let’s talk about it in today’s podcast!

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:
The Balance Book Marriage
Interview with Gary Chapman – Love Experiment2 Necessary Feelings
Save The Marriage System

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Treat Your Marriage Like A Baby!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 15, 2015

Sometimes, it is helpful to have a mental image or idea in mind, to help you navigate spaces.

Marriage is an idea you don’t fully understand until you are in it.

Unfortunately, there is plenty of time to make mistakes, all while trying to figure it out.

We forget that training for marriage only happens “on the job.” Which is why it shouldn’t be a surprise that so many people feel hurt and neglected in their relationships.

So, in this week’s podcast, I want to provide an image and consider the implications.

What if you treated your marriage (not your spouse, but the relationship) like a baby? What would that change? (An astute reader made this observation, and I thought it was powerful. Powerful enough to share.)

Listen and let me know what you think!

(Ready to learn more about caring for your marriage and healing it? Grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.)

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