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Too Self-Centered for Your Marriage?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg June 30, 2021 June 29, 2021

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 30, 2021

“You are just too selfish and self-centered. That is why we have marriage problems.” Have you heard that before?

A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage. I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that. Maybe even said she is selfish.

It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office… from both people! At the same time!

Both accuse the other of causing the problems because they are too selfish and self-centered.

To be clear, it is entirely possible to be self-centered and selfish… certainly completely out of balance with what is healthy. And it is possible to be accused of that, but it is really something else.

Let’s talk about your perspective, what it might mean to be “selfish,” and when it might be a problem (along with when it might actually be another problem).

Listen below.

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The Spouse Predicament

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 23, 2021

It’s a predicament, isn’t it? It would be so much easier to save your marriage… if it weren’t for that pesky spouse. (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.)

You make an effort, your spouse resists. You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward… and tries to drag you back, too!

What DO you do? When your spouse is so convinced that nothing can change.

Or maybe when your spouse starts to see some possibility… and you don’t know what to do, what to share, how to help.

Quite the predicament, isn’t it?

It certainly is for Lauren and Kristine. They both emailed me questions for the podcast. Seemingly from different places in the process. But both were stuck on the Spouse Predicament.

Lauren has a spouse who cannot see a way forward, and resists every effort. Is he being selfish? Should Lauren feel shame that she keeps trying… in spite of his resistance?

And Kristine is still stuck in the predicament. But her spouse is seeing a possibility, a glimmer of hope. How does Kristine avoid putting out the spark? How much info to share?

The Spouse Predicament. More closely aligned than it might seem.

We work to resolve the predicament on the podcast. Listen below.

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Slow Slide, Then All At Once

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 16, 2021

I’ve seen it so many times. A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart. Then, suddenly, it is ending! Slowly, then all at once.

A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending: they slowly drifted apart.

You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat. I sure didn’t. I’ve seen it over and over. Nothing drastic or sudden. Just slowly disconnecting. Slowly drifting apart. And slowly failing.

Maybe you hit the Pause Button… and didn’t know how dangerous that can be!

Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues… the ones that are much larger in the face of disconnection.

But either way, the ending of a marriage just starts slowly, imperceptibly… until one person finally “can’t do it anymore.” And then, the crisis is deep. Deeper than you knew.

How does it work? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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How to NOT Save Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 9, 2021

Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage?

Yes.

These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage.

I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes, but to help you avoid and prevent those mistakes.

And if you have already made those mistakes, then start where you are. Just be sure not to fall back into the same traps and mistakes that likely got you here.

Take a listen below and let me know if you have something to add to the list!

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Save The Marriage ARC

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 2, 2021

Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living — including in marriage.

Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage.

These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC.

Acceptance
Responsibility
Control

Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage.

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The Connection Principle

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 26, 2021

Connection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.

This concept is the backbone of my approach. It is the core of my System — restoring the connection.

Which is the problem. Many people push and push for connection, leading to — ironically — even less connection and more push-back.

The concept of connection as the most important factor in saving a marriage suddenly hits a wall. The techniques people use to restore connection lead to DIS-connection, rather than connection.

Instead of helping, I notice many people are harming their attempts to save their marriage. Not from ill-will but misunderstanding.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore the principle of Connect, Don’t Crowd. This principle is the 1st of 10 I covered with my VIP Virtual Coaching members. But it was so important, I wanted to make sure you understand it. (The other 9 are still available to all VIP members.)

Listen below to understand the importance of connection, how to do it, and how to avoid the crowding.

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How to Avoid a Blow-Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 19, 2021

Slowly, slowly… you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around… and it is working!

Maybe you think it isn’t moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in… and they start to grow. You can feel it!

But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To keep on making connections.

Until…

Maybe it was something small…

Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing… maybe even a big thing!)…

And BOOM! You blow up!

You use a tone you wish you hadn’t. You say things you wish you hadn’t. You do things you wish you hadn’t.

BLOW UP!

… and then it passes.

But the damage is done.

Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.

So, let’s talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up! It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.

Listen to this week’s podcast episode below.

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Your Blame Addiction

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 12, 2021

Are you and your spouse addicted to blame? Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse’s fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)?

Or maybe you are just blaming yourself. You see this whole mess as YOUR fault.

Blame has one single outcome — STUCK. It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility).

Blame is highly corrosive to connection. And it freezes up the process of change. It freezes out any chance for change.

And it is unnecessary. (Oh, and don’t fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame. Blame your spouse or blame yourself. Same outcome.)

Let’s break the addiction to blame.

And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.

OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES
Anger and Marriage
Healing YOUR Resentment
Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment
The Importance of Connection
The Save The Marriage System

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If THEY Can’t, Who Can?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 5, 2021

I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet: “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.” Wow, what a power couple! And they were calling it quits.

Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people. They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the blank: money, success, resources, connections, etc.) and wonder, “What chance do I have to save MY marriage, if THEY can’t stay together.”

I would presume that Bill and Melinda, along with Jeff and MacKenzie and many other mogul couples, could attend any couples retreat, meet with any therapist/coach, and invest in any intervention to save their marriage.

But they don’t.

Which raises the question for the rest of us… what chance do WE have in our own marriage? Or more specifically, you can ask, what chance do YOU have in saving YOUR marriage?

And what can we learn from the divorces of the rich, successful, and famous?

That is what I cover in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast (and let me just be clear, I have not coached or interacted with anyone I mentioned above — although I have had many interactions with very successful people in very unhappy marriages… and the lessons are the same).

Listen in below.

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“But What If I CAN’T Save It?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 28, 2021

Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: “What if I CAN’T save my marriage?” One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn’t started (and was trying to decide whether to even start).

It’s a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear.

That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you.

This week, I want to take on the question, “What if I can’t save it?”, because not every marriage can be saved. (But NONE are saved without action.)

Don’t let the question trip you up. Understand what’s behind it. And listen to my answer to the question.

Listen below.

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