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Disrespect and Boundaries

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg August 21, 2019 August 6, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 21, 2019

“A” has been trying to set boundaries with her husband. Trying to get the treatment she deserves. Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot.

But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way… rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone. What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks.

During the last few episodes of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I’ve been tackling your questions — questions submitted by listeners. (If you have a question for consideration, email it to me HERE.)

In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names. But what about those less-clear actions — using a “you’re so stupid” tone (note that this requires you to read a tone… not always a good thing to try).

Sometimes, boundaries are clear. You know how to set them. I even have a whole chapter on it in the primary module of Save The Marriage System.

But when it is more subtle… a little harder to pin down. And a little harder to call someone on. What about that?

I cover it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Connection and Disconnection: Powerful Resources for Healing

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 19, 2019

Over and over, I hear the same story: pain and conflict, disconnection and anger, resentment and distance.

In my book, I note the 3 steps to saving a marriage:

Connect with your spouse.
Change yourself.
Create a new path.

Connecting with your spouse is HUGE. In fact, the leading issue with marriages is that disconnection. Heal the disconnection, and the relationship can stabilize. It does not do away with steps 2 and 3. In fact, #2 needs to be concurrent to reconnecting. But #3, “create a new path,” is much easier when the connection is healing.

So how DO you do that?

Let me point you to some resources that will help you begin the process. Below are links to the resources, so that you can quickly access and heal your relationship.

The Connection-Starved Marriage — CLICK HERE

This is it. The reason marriages get into trouble. They are literally starved for connection. Which leads to hurt, further disconnection, and eventual disdain. Hear why in the Connection-Starved Marriage training.

5 Myths of Connection — CLICK HERE

This is a great starting point. You can begin to understand the ways we have misunderstood connection, so that you can move in the RIGHT direction.

7 Stages of Disconnection — CLICK HERE

This will help you assess where your relationship is right now! How deeply disconnected are you? Once you know this, you can begin to create your plan to reconnect.

How to Heal Disconnection — CLICK HERE

This resource will help you start the process of reversing the disconnection and move toward reconnection.

Why Healing Is Easier To Heal Than You Think — CLICK HERE

We are wired for connection. Which is why it is easier to heal than you think… when you know this little secret. I cover it in this training.

Being Courageously Compassionate — CLICK HERE

When you are hurting, angry, and frustrated, it can be difficult to even work on the connection. But YOU may be the only one ready to work on it. Courageous Compassion can help you choose a better path. This resource will help you move in that direction.

Show UP! — CLICK HERE

One other resource is about showing up. When you don’t show up, you don’t connect. And here is the great thing: you can ALWAYS show up. You can always decide you will show up in your relationship. Find out how!

Learn What Happy Couples Do Differently — CLICK HERE

These trainings will help you discover what happy couples do differently… and how you can follow their trail. Build happiness and heal disconnection with these trainings.

If you are ready to really step up and heal your disconnection, It is time to grab the Save The Marriage System HERE

And if you need coaching, LEARN MORE HERE

The Back To Basics Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 16, 2019

It is easy to get overwhelmed and lost in the situation. Sometimes, we just need take a step back, “simple” it down, and start moving forward.

That is the reason I decided to make some trainings on Getting Back To Basics. In this simple 4 part series, I start with an explanation of what went wrong. Yes, you can look for lots of complex explanations. But it really only makes things seem more complicated than they are.

<CLICK HERE FOR THE TRAINING ON WHAT WENT WRONG>

Then, I cover what you need to do to save your marriage… based on shifting and healing what went wrong. This is big enough that I cover it in 2 different trainings.

<CLICK HERE FOR PART 1 OF WHAT TO DO TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE>

But sometimes, before you can even get started, you have to get clear on WHY you are saving your marriage. In the frustration and hurt, it can be easy to get distracted… even feel like giving up. So, I cover WHY to save your marriage in another training.

<CLICK HERE FOR THE TRAINING ON WHY TO EVEN SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE>

And if, after the trainings, you are ready to move forward, to really get the extra skills and training you may need to save your marriage (perhaps you just need more or perhaps your issues are more deeply seated than you can simply address with this training), grab my Save The Marriage System

<CLICK HERE TO GRAB THE SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM>

Work on Me, Work on WE?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 14, 2019

What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves… and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage? What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage?

That is the question of the week, asked by Sam. He said his wife wants to better herself. Then, maybe she would address the marriage.

As part of my series, answering your questions, I want to address this one. Because it might just be YOUR question, too! (If not, you can SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE.)

Many times, when a marriage is in trouble, a spouse (or maybe you) just won’t address the relationship issues, insisting they (or you) need to work on themselves (or yourself) before looking at the marriage.

The binary question: “work on me or work on WE?” stands out. But does it have to be so binary. Is it really one or the other? Or is there another way to approach this?

If you try to force a spouse to work on the relationship, that won’t work… and might make things better. So, what CAN you do?

Listen to this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast for my response.

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Is It Quitting Time? Resources to Help…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 14, 2019

It would be nice if the process of saving your marriage is straight-forward, direct, and without any bumps along the way.

Rarely is that the case. Many times, it is 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, then 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Sometimes, it can feel like nothing is moving. Then, things lurch… even jump… forward.

The biggest risk? Discouragement and frustration leading you to quit. Friends and family encouraging you to quit.

No, you don’t have to keep on trying, indefinitely. There are times when you might decide to quit. But what you don’t want to happen is for your emotions to lead you to quit. IF it comes to it, you want to decide to quit. Not just feel like quitting. But making a decision.

Otherwise, you want to make sure you keep heading forward.

And when you are frustrated, feeling discouraged, and listening to those “quit” messages, you may need some help staying on-course.

Below are some selected trainings to help you deal with those times.

Can This Marriage BE Saved?

When You Are Frustrated and Feel Like Giving Up…

When It Seems Easier To Just Quit and Walk Away…

When Discouragement Is Hitting Hard…

4 Fears That Stop Your Efforts

Dealing With NaySayers

3 Ways To Stay In The Game When You Want To Quit

7 Strategies When You Hear “This Will Never Work” and “I Don’t Love You”

Is It Time To Throw In The Towel?

Is It Too Late To Save Your Marriage?

Save The Marriage System

How Do You Know If Things Are Improving?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 7, 2019

Phil asked, “How do you know you are making progress?” And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, “how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me.”

Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions. They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship. What to look for? And what to do if those signs are not there?

This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball… or asking the magic mirror. But these are such important questions that I wanted to answer Phil’s questions… at least as much as I can. There are lots of dynamics and subtleties to a marriage and a spouse, it can be hard to be precise.

But I want to discuss some signs to look for, both in when there is progress and when it is becoming unhealthy.

Listen in for details in this episode of the podcast.

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“Is ‘Trying’ Disrespectful?” – When A Spouse Wants Out

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 31, 2019

“Gem” wrote me after a recent episode of my podcast. In that episode, a therapist said, after one single session (where divorce had not been mentioned) that the client needed to prepare for divorce.

In Gem’s case, her husband used therapy as the excuse that they “had tried therapy but it didn’t work.” But he went further, saying that if Gem did not go along with his desire to divorce, it amounted to her disregarding (and disrespecting) his emotions.

I would have said, “WHAT??”, except I have heard the same thing over and over.

Often enough that I have even wondered if some Pro-Divorce “expert” had given that as the secret recipe to shift a spouse out of “save the marriage mode.” (Yes, those folks do exist… and yes, spouses do find them… and use them to arm against staying married — as if you need to arm against that!!)

What does it mean when a spouse says, “You are disrespecting my feelings by trying to save our marriage”? And what do you do? IS it disrespectful? SHOULD you just go along and give up?

I cover it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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“Why Should I Even Try?” – When Discouragement Hits… Hard

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 24, 2019

Several people have asked me the same thing: “What if I am not even sure I want to save my marriage? I am so frustrated and discouraged, I feel like quitting… not even trying.”

It is a great question!

(By the way, if you want to submit a question for me to consider answering on a future podcast, email to [email protected])

Let’s be honest: it can be a frustrating and discouraging process. Sometimes, people think I say the process is easy. But in my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, I use the word, “Simple.” That is not the same as easy. Just direct. Simple. (Only 3 steps.)

Many people, in a fit of frustration, a moment of anger, give up and walk away… only to regret it just a little further down the road.

Which is why I suggest you think about your decision a bit differently. I suggest you assess your reasons as part of your plan, and as a touch-point when things are difficult (and they will be). Because many times, the difficulty comes when people are close to success… they just didn’t know it.

If you are discouraged (or want to avoid being discouraged), listen in on this episode of the podcast, as I explore “Why Even Try???”

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When Your Spouse Can’t See A Way Forward – Limiting Beliefs

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 17, 2019

We all have limiting beliefs. You… me… and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ’s question about how to deal with her spouse’s belief that “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.” I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

(Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE — let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I’ll try to answer!)

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Staying Stuck in the Negative – What DO you DO?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 10, 2019

[Have a question about saving your marriage? Ask it by emailing me HERE.]

Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don’t they remember the good times or see the good things?

Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse’s thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then. (Memories are just current thoughts about past events — not accurate representations of the past.)

Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode.

If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let’s look at the reasons it happens… and what you can do about it!

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