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Why It Matters: The Importance of Your Efforts To Save Your Marriage

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg April 13, 2016 April 13, 2016

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 13, 2016

It matters. Your efforts to save your marriage. They matter. Your desire to work things through, to find a better way for your relationship. It matters.

When you are in the midst of the struggle, it can feel horrible. You can get frustrated and discouraged, forget the reasons why you are doing it, and be ready to throw your hands up in the air in defeat.

Before you do that, let me tell you: What you are doing, IT MATTERS!

Every single day, I watch as people fight through the hurt and pain, the emotions and discouragement, to keep on working on a hurting relationship. I am in awe of that effort. It is truly courageous.

We live in a world of “disposables.” People easily discard anything. Including marriages. They fail to see the hurt, the harm that is caused by pushing it aside. They think they are taking the better, easier way. Instead, they are buying into the disposable culture — only to see the destruction in hindsight.

But you. You have chosen to stand up to that and say, “I want to save this.” It won’t be easy, but it is noble.

Let me tell you why it matters, why this is so important, in this week’s podcast.

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“Why Are We Fighting?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 6, 2016

Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, “why am I even arguing over this? It doesn’t matter”?

I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others.

It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives. They are not the big things, but the small things. And that is the tragic part: many marriages die from a thousand nicks. It is often not the big deals, but the tiny things. In fact, many times, the big deals are a result of the lifeblood lost on the tiny things.

Which raises the question: WHY do we have these arguments? Why do we bicker? (Check out the podcast below)

And then, the second question: HOW to change this pattern? (Check out the podcast below)

RELATED RESOURCES:
Control
Disconnect
Problems with Therapy
VIP (IF you have the System)

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Is It “Too Little, Too Late”?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 30, 2016

You start working to save your marriage. You are working on rebuilding the connection. You have been trying to change and improve yourself. You’ve been focused. You’ve been putting in the effort.

And then, your spouse says, “Too little, too late.”

The bubble is burst, the sail’s deflated. Another kick in the gut.

And you feel like giving up. If it is hopeless, why even try?

Because I don’t think it is hopeless. I have seen MANY situations where a spouse says this, and the marriage is saved. (And yes, I have seen times when a spouse says this, and it turns out to be accurate.) There is one problem: you can’t know on this side of the crisis.

Sometimes, it is not “too little,” and it is not “too late.” It just isn’t over yet. The work is only underway, not completed.

I give 5 steps to moving beyond “too little, too late” in this podcast training. Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Apologize
Heal The Connection
Your Spouse Is NOT The Enemy
You Need A Plan
(if you have my System) VIP Program

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Are You Forward-Facing (Or Rear-Watching)?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 23, 2016

Which way are you facing in your relationship? Are you looking toward where you want to be, or looking back at where you have been?

I’ve noticed that as a rule, when I am driving my car, I am better served by looking out the windshield than looking in my rear-view mirror or turning around and staring out the back window.

Turns out that is pretty much true in life, too. When we get focused on looking backward, at where we have been, we rarely get to where we want.

Many people, and many couples, stay focused on what is behind them. Nothing can change, nothing will shift, but there they watch. The history becomes the focus.

If that is the case for you, let me suggest you shift your focus. Face forward and lets decide where to go, not be caught in where you’ve been.

Listen to the training below.

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Escape The Perception/Connection Trap

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 16, 2016

It is not about “communication,” no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist). Most people communicate just fine. They have another issue: perception. How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue.

And then the trap is laid.

Perception and connection. They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall into disconnection.

I call it the Perception/Connection Trap. You have perceptions of each other (that are always at least partly fictional), and you have some level of connection. When your perceptions of each other are poor (negative), your connection begins to falter. When you are feeling disconnection, your perceptions grow more negative. Which leads to further disconnection. Which leads to further negative perceptions.

The spiral downward.

The bad news is this pattern traps many couples into a painful marriage crisis.

The good news is that you can escape the Perception/Connection Trap. And the great news is that you can use the reverse of the cycle to re-grow the connection and the relationship.

Learn how in this week’s podcast trying (and if you find it helpful, please use the SHARE buttons below).

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Why “I’ll Try Anything” Is NOT A Plan

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 9, 2016

Desperation. It is never a good guide. Desperation leads you down any and every approach. And in the process, you get nowhere.

I know, because I have seen it happen. Someone will say to me, “I’ll try anything to save my marriage.” And they try everything.

Book after book, resource after resource, and unfortunately, trick after trick. They leave themselves exhausted and their spouse confused.

Doing “anything” often ends up being “everything,” which ends up doing “nothing.”

What a difference, though, when someone finds an approach that agrees with their ethics and worldview, from someone who is qualified to help, that matches their situation, and passes the “smell and taste test,” as well as the “mirror test.”

The marriage has a chance. The relationship can get some traction.

We live in a world full of information. That information is not the same as knowledge, and often far from wisdom. It’s just information.

Learn why “doing anything” is dangerous, and the 5 steps to assessing everything you see. You CAN create a plan that works, with an approach that fits, when you know how to assess the information.

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Fear Got You Stuck?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 2, 2016

Just the other day, I received a message from someone who said she wanted to save her marriage BUT she was afraid. She told me about the fear that gripped her, SO she couldn’t work on saving her marriage. I tried to have a discussion with her, but she had a mistaken belief that her fear was keeping her from saving her marriage.

It was not her fear. It was her. She was keeping herself from working on saving her marriage. Fear = background noise, at least in the process of saving your marriage.

Fear should never choose your actions. Fear should never dictate what you do (or don’t do). But many times, it does.

You probably already know that EVERYONE feels fear. And many of us forget that fear is just that — a feeling. We make it real. We make it some determining factor in what we can do. Fear can keep you stuck. But it doesn’t have to. That choice is up to you.

Discover how to keep your fear from keeping you stuck (notice I did NOT say “how to not feel fear”) and how to move forward.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage
You Need A Plan
Tools of Connection
The System
The VIP Program

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The Top 10’s You Need To Know

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 26, 2016

Sometimes, it is easier to have a list that you can quickly digest and understand. No complicated explanations. Just quick hits of information you need to know.

Recently, I had a series of trainings and podcasts on myths you need to know (and avoid). I wanted to pull those resources together for you, so you could quickly digest and use the information.

Here are the Top 10 Myths trainings (just click the headline):

Top 10 Myths About Marriage

Top 10 Myths About Marital Therapy

Top 10 Myths About Saving Your Marriage

Top 10 Myths About Divorce

(. . . and some bonus information on saving your marriage. Just click the headline.)

Top 10 Ways To NOT Save Your Marriage

Top 10 Rules To Save Your Marriage

Don’t Complicate It

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 24, 2016

Sometimes, I am working with a client and suggest an approach, only to hear the next week, “I did that, and I (added this twist), and things got worse!” I always ask, “Why did you do that? Why did you make that change?” And usually, my client says, “It seemed too simple.”

We humans are funny creatures. We always want to complicate things!

A word of advice: DON’T!

While it may not be easy, the process of saving your marriage is really simple. Don’t complicate it. Find your approach, create your plan, and stick with it.

Learn about how to follow a simple process in this week’s podcast. Don’t complicate it!

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage
Have A Plan
Save The Marriage System

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Start With Your Destination

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 17, 2016

Stephen Cove, in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, noted that you should always start with the end in mind. Great advice. If you don’t know where you are headed, how will you ever get there?

When I was a child, I loved maps (truthfully, I still do). I would study the globe and atlas, I would open roadmaps, and imagine all the places you could go. I loved the idea of so much world out there to explore.

But in the end, a map is useless until you pick a destination. Then, you can start planning the trip. If you know where you are going, you can “reverse engineer” the process to get from “here” to “there.”

That holds true for dealing with a relationship, in trouble or not. If you know where you want to get to, you can begin to navigate in that direction. Will it be a direct route? Nope. But what trip ever is?

Every day, your destination can re-align you, with course corrections along the way.

But if you don’t know where you are headed, then you have a problem!

Pick your destination, and let’s navigate from here to there.

RELATED RESOURCES:
What’s Your Why?
The No Contact Rule Is CRAP
Save The Marriage System

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