The Last Thing You May Be Feeling… And Shifting
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Happy Thanksgiving!This may be the last thing you are feeling… but it should be first!

What is it?  Gratitude.  Appreciation.  Thankfulness.

Here we are, staring right down the barrel at Thanksgiving (if you are in the States).  And if you are caught in a marriage crisis, you may not be “feeling it.”

But as I often tell people who ask me if I am ready for some Holiday, “It doesn’t matter, it’s coming, anyway!”

Maybe you aren’t feeling it.  Just the same, Thanksgiving is here.  Mixed feelings or not, the day comes.

That day we set aside for being thankful, feeling it or not.  Wanting it or not.

And yet, the day commemorates the day when those settlers, having trekked to the new world, had faced down grim circumstances.  They weathered it (literally), and many didn’t make it.  Nor were they out of the woods, yet!  Another winter was quickly approaching.

Which is why they found it important to stop and be thankful.  Not pretending that there was no struggle, but seeing that there was more to life than just the struggle.  There was also much for which they could be grateful.

The same is true for us.

So, here are some resources to help you make an important shift, both for your sake and for the sake of your marriage.

Gratitude In The Midst Of Crisis

How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage

What Thriving People Know About Gratitude And Appreciation

2 Targets To Thrive

The Next Phase: Chronic or Thriving?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

The next phase… what now?Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now?

Well, that would put you in good company!  I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few.

What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed.  The separation or divorce is off the table.  The affair is over.  The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom.  For most, communication was much improved.  For many, lots of things had improved.

Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before.

But….

And this is where there is often some diversity of answers.  Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo.  Physical contact and connection was still missing.  Trust was still struggling.

In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed.  It just was no longer on life-support.

So, what now?

Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast.  You can listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Crisis and Chronic
Dangers of Tea Leaves
3 C’s Approach
My Books
My Save The Marriage System

Is It Too Toxic??
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

When is a marriage too toxic to save?You probably know that I’m on the side of your marriage.  I’m all about saving a marriage.

But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?

No.

First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage.  At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage.  There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change.

Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses.  In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic.  And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage.

Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Domestic Violence Help
Anger & Resentment
Coping
Issues And Marriages

Save The Marriage System

Why “Limbo” is a Lie
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Are you feeling like you are stuck in limbo?Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo?  That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things?  Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?

Well, that was the situation for “J.”  He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.

He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship.

What should he do??

I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And it may just be where you find yourself, too.  Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away.

How do you deal with “Limbo”?  We discuss it.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage
3 A’s in Your Control
3 Levels of Connection
Save The Marriage System

Midlife Marriage Crisis and Connecting
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dealing with a midlife marriage crisis, even when complicated by an affair.Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes.  And a crisis for many marriages!  I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis.  I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that.  We see it every day.

And I see the strain a MLC can place on an already-hurting marriage.  If the marriage is disconnected already, a MLC turns into a MLMC (mid life marriage crisis).  Which often leads to compounding issues, like an affair.

What can you do, if your spouse is having a mid life crisis?  And what if it is complicated by an affair?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what a MLC is, when it can become a MLMC, and what to do in response.  Even if there is an affair.

(Why this episode?  Because a listener asked.  If you have a question — a Goldilocks question, as I discuss in the episode — you can send it here.)

 

RELATED RESOURCES:
Mid Life Crisis Series
Why Connection is So Important
The Pause Button
Dealing with Affairs
My Book:  Recovering from the Affair
My Program:  Save The Marriage

Stuck in Questioning??
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Are you stuck in Questioning your relationship?  About whether it is really love, if you married the right person… or other questions?  Listen in as we explore being stuck in questioning.Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful?

That is often very normal.

To a degree.

It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time.  That is just what our brain does.  It tosses out “bait” of thoughts, to see which ones you bite on (which just sets the hook) and which ones pass.  Which ones you LET pass.

And there are times, when a relationship is toxic, that you have those thoughts because your mind is trying to get your attention — to get you to ACT.

And then, there is a third category.  When those thoughts become obsessive.  When they keep you stuck.  There are some clinicians that refer to this as ROCD — Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

The problem is, those 3 points can be, ummmm… less than clear.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener’s question as a way of jumping into thinking about thoughts.  When does it matter and what can you do about it?

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Thinking about Thoughts
Relying on Commitment
Save The Marriage System
My Books

Mistakes Were Made (Now What?)
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

When you make mistakes in your marriage or trying to save your marriage, what do you do?I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly.  I make mistakes.

Okay, I’ll admit it:  I DO know about you.  You make mistakes, too.  And how do I know??

We ALL make mistakes!  Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful.  And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway.

And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressful.  Oh, and if you are like most people, you don’t really know what you are doing (if you did, you wouldn’t be here — on this page or with a struggling relationship).

So let’s just assume that you have made some mistakes.  On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we talk about what to do.  I cover questions from two T’s.  Different questions, it would seem.  But at their core, they are very similar.  So, I give some info that applies to each situation, and then we dive into what to do when mistakes are made.

And they WILL be made!

Listen to the episode below.

RELATED RESOURCES
What NOT To Do
The 4 C’s
Why Things Aren’t Turning Around
Staying In It When You Feel Like Quitting
Save The Marriage System
VIP (If you have the System)

Hot & Cold
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Is your relationship running hot and cold, close and distant, off and on?  It can throw you off.  But if you understand what is going on, you can move forward and work on saving your marriage.Hot and cold.  That is often what I hear people describe.  About their spouses.  One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving.  And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns.  Distance and dread return.  Are things going south?  Is this the time when things don’t turn around?

And then… the pattern repeats again.

It can through you off your efforts, discourage you, even tempting you to give up.

So, what is that all about, anyway?

“M” is in this very situation.  She wants to understand it, so she knows how to respond (not react, but respond).  It may be YOUR question, too.  Especially if your spouse did what M’s spouse did:  Gave the “ILYBNILWY” speech (“I Love You But Not In Love With You”)

I explain what is going on here, and what to do about it.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Confusion or Connection
3 C’s
4th C
Don’t React
Save The Marriage System
My Books

When to Talk?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

When things are improving, when is it time to talk about the issues in your marriage?You’ve taken steps to save your marriage.  And it seems to be working!  Things are improving.  The ice is melting.  Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there.

And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend.  But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues — is a big concern.  If you ask too soon, do you risk a setback?

A podcast listener recently sent in a question about that.  Her anxiety has been building about their progress.  She can see the signs.  But what about that “elephant in the room?”  Is it time to address it?

In this episode of the podcast, I respond to “S” to bring some clarity to the question, “When to Talk?”

You can listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Save The Marriage System
My Books
What NOT to Do
The Importance of an Apology