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Posts Tagged :

can I save my marriage

5 Reasons To Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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5reasonssavemarriageSometimes, in the midst of trying to save your marriage, you can get lost.  You can forget why you are doing this.  Your spouse’s negativity, the negativity of others, may drown out your “why.”

Don’t let it.  This is important work.  Not easy.  Not comfortable.  But important.

We live in a “disposable” society.  No need to learn and grow.  No reason to work and improve.  Just toss it aside.  And the legal system makes it so easy.  A colleague of mine, Mike McManus, says that “no-fault” divorce is the wrong term.  It is really just “unilateral” divorce.

In this week’s podcast, I want to remind you of the good reasons, the powerful reasons, why you are working to save your marriage.

Maybe this is a little bit of “pep talk,” but it is really just a reminder of just how important your efforts are.

If you have other important reasons, please include them in the comments area below.

(And here is a training on why “Why” is so important.)

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3 Shifts From Fear To Love You Need To Make
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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3 shifts you need to make from fear and reactivity to love and responsiveness.Fear.  It comes so easily.  In fact, pretty much automatically.

Love.  Ahh.  A much better place for a relationship.

Reactivity, fear.  Responsiveness, love.  Where do you find yourself?

In this week’s free podcast audio training, we discuss the 3 shifts you came make from fear to love.  I am joined by one of my top Relationship Coaches, Nina Potter for a discussion on these 3 shifts.

If you find your marriage is stuck in reactivity and fear, learn how to choose these shifts.  You can get your marriage to make the shift to love and responsiveness.

Join us for this training.  And if you are ready for a little training, email Nina RIGHT HERE.

Listen HERE for more training on escaping fear in your marriage.

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Immutable Law: We ALL Have Fears
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: We ALL Have FearsThe Immutable Laws of Marriage are violated at your own peril.  This week, it is not so much a law you might violate, as much as it is a law you need to know.

Here it is:  We ALL have fears that we bring into a marriage.  Fears that really do not affect many other relationships.  They are deeply rooted and painful when hit — and you WILL hit them.  Over and over again.

That is just the nature of life and these fears.

In particular, we have two relational fears:

  1. The Fear Of Intimacy
  2. The Fear of Abandonment

These fears play off of each other, compound each other, and complicate each other.  Unless, of course, you understand what these fears are about, why they are there, and how to not let them dominate your relationship.

Learn how to avoid the sabotage of these fears in this week’s podcast.  Hit “PLAY” below.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)

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“How I Saved My Marriage”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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HowYouSavedYourMarriageMany times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.

When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.

And things continue in the downward spiral.

So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination — a little Jedi mind trick.  Imagine that you DID save your marriage.  You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage.  You look forward to spending time together.  Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively.

Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage.  You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward — even in the face of frustration and difficulties.

In today’s podcast, we reflect on “what you did” to save your marriage — and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that:  Save Your Marriage.

Listen below.

(and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)

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Is Your Marriage On Life Support?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Is your marriage on life support, with someone ready to pull the plug?Is your marriage on life support?  You keep watching as the life slowly leaks away from your relationship.  Maybe you feel powerless to turn it around.  But is it too late?

When a marriage gets into trouble, there are 4 distinct levels to the crisis (this is not the same as the Stages I note in the Quick Start Guide in the System).

Here are the 4 levels:
1)  Marriage Issues:  This comes along early in the relationship, when the fundamentals aren’t addressed.  Beliefs and expectations keep tripping up the couple.
2)  Marriage Problems:  Issues aren’t solved.  So, now there is hurt.  Then fundamentals were never solved, and issues were never solved.  This leads to the hurt.
3)  Marriage Crisis:  The hurt from unresolved problems has led to anger and resentment.  Both are feeling less motivated to do anything.  Both resort to finger-pointing and blame.
4)  Marriage Disaster:  One or both have given up, and apathy is replacing the anger.  Blame is the predominate interaction.

Sometimes, people believe that things are improving, but they are really falling into disaster.  Learn the 3 reasons for this, along with what to do at each level in this week’s podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Tools for Connection
What Happened To The Dream?
We ALL Have Issues
“I Thought Everything Was OK”
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (If you have the System)

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Why It Matters: The Importance of Your Efforts To Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Why your efforts to save your marriage are so important. Why you are doing it, and why it matters.It matters.  Your efforts to save your marriage.  They matter.  Your desire to work things through, to find a better way for your relationship.  It matters.

When you are in the midst of the struggle, it can feel horrible.  You can get frustrated and discouraged, forget the reasons why you are doing it, and be ready to throw your hands up in the air in defeat.

Before you do that, let me tell you:  What you are doing, IT MATTERS!

Every single day, I watch as people fight through the hurt and pain, the emotions and discouragement, to keep on working on a hurting relationship.  I am in awe of that effort.  It is truly courageous.

We live in a world of “disposables.”  People easily discard anything.  Including marriages.  They fail to see the hurt, the harm that is caused by pushing it aside.  They think they are taking the better, easier way.  Instead, they are buying into the disposable culture — only to see the destruction in hindsight.

But you.  You have chosen to stand up to that and say, “I want to save this.”  It won’t be easy, but it is noble.

Let me tell you why it matters, why this is so important, in this week’s podcast.

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Fear Got You Stuck?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How fear keeps you stuck, but doesn't have to!Just the other day, I received a message from someone who said she wanted to save her marriage BUT she was afraid.  She told me about the fear that gripped her, SO she couldn’t work on saving her marriage.  I tried to have a discussion with her, but she had a mistaken belief that her fear was keeping her from saving her marriage.

It was not her fear.  It was her.  She was keeping herself from working on saving her marriage.  Fear = background noise, at least in the process of saving your marriage.

Fear should never choose your actions.  Fear should never dictate what you do (or don’t do).  But many times, it does.

You probably already know that EVERYONE feels fear.  And many of us forget that fear is just that — a feeling.  We make it real.  We make it some determining factor in what we can do.  Fear can keep you stuck.  But it doesn’t have to.  That choice is up to you.

Discover how to keep your fear from keeping you stuck (notice I did NOT say “how to not feel fear”) and how to move forward.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage
You Need A Plan
Tools of Connection
The System
The VIP Program

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Don’t Complicate It
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't complicate your efforts to save your marriage! Keep it simple!Sometimes, I am working with a client and suggest an approach, only to hear the next week, “I did that, and I (added this twist), and things got worse!”  I always ask, “Why did you do that?  Why did you make that change?”  And usually, my client says, “It seemed too simple.”

We humans are funny creatures.  We always want to complicate things!

A word of advice:  DON’T!

While it may not be easy, the process of saving your marriage is really simple.  Don’t complicate it. Find your approach, create your plan, and stick with it.

Learn about how to follow a simple process in this week’s podcast.  Don’t complicate it!

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage
Have A Plan
Save The Marriage System

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Why You Need A PLAN To Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Do you have a plan to save your marriage?Do you have a plan to save your marriage?

Not an idea, floating around in your head.

But a plan.

Written down.

I have been asking this question for years, especially when someone tells me their marriage isn’t turning around.

90% tell me they DON’T have a plan.  I tell them, “that is the starting point.”

If you don’t have a plan, you don’t have a map.  If you don’t have a map, it is tough to get to where you want to get.

I know:  you have books, CD’s, DVD’s, study courses, articles, and all sorts of other information on how to save your marriage.

Information is just data.  When you take that information and process it (think and ponder about it) about your current situation, you arrive at knowledge.  Contrary to popular opinion, knowledge is not power.  It has no power until you apply it.

When you apply knowledge, and you keep applying it — learning from it and allowing it to transform you, then you arrive at wisdom!

But if you have no plan — no written plan for how you plan to save your marriage — the information is just information.  Interesting.  But not transforming.

In this week’s audio, I discuss several reasons why a written plan is so important, and how to get started on your plan.

Remember this quote, as it applies to having a plan:

Consult your plan, not your emotions.

Whenever you allow your emotions to call the shots, you will end up with those who see no change.  But when you consult your plan (you do have a plan, right?), new possibilities emerge.

Time to make a plan!

Here are the resources I mention in the podcast:
The Save The Marriage System (if you don’t have this, you need it, so you can start making your plan!)
Finding Your Why
[email protected] (If you are interested in the Virtual Coaching Program — limited availability!)

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What Plane Crashes, Scuba Accidents, Rampant Dinosaurs, and Medical Mistakes Have To Do With Your Marriage Crisis: #51 Save The Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Why marriages succeed or fail.So what DO airplane and scuba accidents have to do with marriage problems?  What CAN rampaging dinosaurs and medical accidents teach us about your marriage problems?

As it turns out, A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT!

For years, I have had a strange fascination with reading Scuba accident reports.  And for about that same amount of time, science theories about accidents and chaos theory have been an interest.

The reason for this is because those same dynamics play a role in any system failure — including marriage!

“John” and “Susie” are not having problems because of an argument or even infidelity.  Those are just pieces of the puzzle.  The problem is that John and Susie keep looking at those little pieces — and they miss the bigger view — the one that COULD help them get back on track.

In this podcast, you will learn about the chain of events that create a marriage crisis.  You will learn about the pattern that spirals out of control and can spell catastrophe for a marriage.  And you will learn how shifting perspective can change the whole pattern.

Let me know what you think in the comments area below!

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