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disconnected marriage

Boundaries Protect A Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Boundaries protect a marriage: Immutable Law Of Marriage. First line of an email last week:”I knew we were disconnected, but how did this happen?”

The level of connection in any marriage is likely to wax and wane.  You will feel closer and more distant to your spouse to varying degrees over the lifetime of your marriage.

And no, that does not mean it is a slow d0wnhill slide to disconnection.  There will be times when you just don’t feel it, and times when you can’t believe how connected you feel.

(My guess, if you are listening to this podcast, is that you are on the downswing of connection.  If that is not the case, good for you in being proactive!  But trust me, there will be those moments. . . .)

When the level of disconnection is higher, the relationship is at a higher risk.  The risk may be for affairs or unhealthy distractions.  Unless there are clear boundaries.

Boundaries protect a marriage.  But what’s a boundary?  How do you set them?  Glad you asked.  I discuss those issues in this week’s podcast episode.  Take a listen below.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift
#12 Forgiveness Is Not A Blank Check

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You HAVE To SHOW UP!: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: You Have To Show Up!The body is there, but nobody’s home.  That would describe many people when their spouse is talking.  Or even when they are making love.

The shell is there.  The person?  Not so much.  They are failing to “Show Up.”  And they are violating an Immutable Law of Marriage.  If you keep failing to show up, eventually, there will be no relationship to show up for!

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who forgot to show up?  That hollow look, the lack of emotional connection, those missed facts.  It doesn’t feel too good, does it?

Which raises the question:  How often do WE fail to Show Up?  I’m afraid I miss it more than I want.  But can we show up MORE?

Absolutely.

Let’s talk about how.

And if you have missed the other episodes from the Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series, here they are:

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse

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Immutable Law of Marriage: Connection Is The Lifeblood
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: Connection is the Lifeblood of MarriageMaybe couples take it for granted.  Maybe they never knew.  And maybe they never knew because it was always there.  It was what led to being in love, to wanting to be together.  When it is there, you forget how important it is.  When it is gone, you realize your marriage is in deep trouble — but often only when it hits a critical turning point.

What is it?

Connection.

If a marriage loses connection, the marriage loses the lifeblood.

A friend of mine almost died from a heart attack.  His arteries were nearly clogged — and he never knew it!  Slowly, over time, the arteries were more and more clogged.  Sure, he got breathless.  But isn’t that just a part of aging?  Sure, he was tired.  But wasn’t his job stressful?

The critical incident only required a little clot to blog the rest, and down he went!  He is fortunate to be alive.

And now, once the blockage was cleared, he is feeling great.  He is back to exercising and an active life.  Why?  His blood flow is restored.

The lifeblood of your marriage?  Connection.  If it is blocked off, your marriage is in trouble.

The Immutable Law of Marriage:  Connection is the lifeblood of your marriage.  Listen to the podcast for what that means and how to restore circulation.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause

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Are You “Dissing” Your Marriage (right into a disaster)?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Are you Dissing your marriage?Let me just be clear that I have never been cool or hip enough to tell someone they are “dissing” me — at least not with a straight face!

But many people are doing that — dissing their marriage, with 5 different levels of “dis.”  Ending in a Disaster!

Think of these as layers — levels, headed toward deeper and deeper trouble.

And it all starts innocently enough, with disappointment.  It may be disappointment over what marriage is about, or disappointment with the spouse.  That opens the door to a deepening level of pain and difficulties, unless it is addressed at the earliest stages.

Here are the 5 Dis’s that lead to Disaster:

  • Disappointment
    ⬇️
  • Disconnection
    ⬇️
  • Distrust
    ⬇️
  • Disgust
    ⬇️
  • Disdain

So, let me ask again — Are you and/or your spouse guilty of Dissing your marriage?

Learn what happens at each stage, and how to pull back from the looming DISaster.  Listen below (and share, if it is helpful).

RELATED RESOURCES
Connection Help
Be Civil
Respect
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program

 

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5 Myths of Connection: #60 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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5 myths of connection.“What happened?,” Julie asked me.  “We were so in love!  We got married, and everything was perfect.  I just thought it would be easy from there!”

Then, Julie began to tell me a story about growing careers, a big social life, passionate pursuit of hobbies, and then children.  Three.  All within 5 years.

One day, when the youngest had just started school, Julie’s husband dressed for work, dimpled his tie, turned toward Julie and said, “I’m not happy, you are not happy.  This is not working.”  Then, he left.

Julie was shocked that he was so matter-of-fact.  Could he really drop that emotional grenade and head to work, acting as if nothing happened?  Julie reeled through the day, lost in her painful thoughts.  Hadn’t they been in love at one point?  Wasn’t this supposed to be “happily ever after?”

Then, Julie saw flashes.  Times when each chose something else — a hobby, an activity, friends, work, children, even the iPhone, over spending time with each other.  Julie realized they had stopped kissing goodnight, stopped holding hands at church, and stopped telling each other about their days.

Oh, Julie had known this.  But she kept telling herself, “When the kids are older. . . ,” “When he gets that promotion. . . ,” “When the triathlon is over. . . ,” “When summer/fall/winter/spring comes. . . .”  She just knew they could reconnect then.

But after each new stage of life, they just continued on the well-worn path of disconnection.

Julie and her husband had drained their battery of connection.  Sure, it was well-charged when they married.  But they kept draining it over the years, neither noticing the battery was nearing being drained.  Then one day, Julie’s husband spoke a truth they both knew:  they were disconnected.  In fact, they were so disconnected that he could say the words and go to work.  He might have know Julie would be caught off-guard.  But he was disconnected enough that he didn’t care.

Connection is like your cellphone battery.  It may carry you through a day or so.  But the more you drain the batter, the longer it will take to recharge.  Keep draining it, and at some point, it will simply shut down.

Let’s look at the 5 myths of connection in this week’s podcast.  See if you are falling into the myths — and headed for trouble.

If you are already there, please grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

If you want even more advanced training, drop me a note:  [email protected]

*

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7 Stages of Disconnection — Where Are You?: #59
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The 7 Stages of DisconnectionIs your marriage feeling disconnected?

Connection is the nourishment of every marriage.  If you break the connection, you starve the relationship.

So why are so many marriages connection-starved?

Most people don’t realize how important the connection is.  So, life gets in the way:  careers, friends, hobbies, interests, children.  Over time, the distractions build up.

Until one day, you realize that either you do not feel the warmth toward your spouse or your spouse does not feel the warmth toward you.

By then, you may already be a couple of stages into the disconnection spiral.  And you may have never seen it coming!

Just a couple of days ago, “Sue” told me she thought the relationship would take care of itself.  She thought she and her husband built the connection during their dating days.

“Somehow,” she told me, “I thought the marriage would just roll along.  We would be happy and all would be good.  I forgot to reach out to him.  He stopped reaching out to me.  Now, there is a huge, cold divide between us in bed.  I don’t even know how to move forward.  I am beginning to think he doesn’t even like me anymore.  And I have lost all respect.”

Take a look at the graphic to the right.

You will notice that Sue has identified 2 stages in the process of disconnection:  dislike and disrespect.

Where is YOUR relationship?

In today’s podcast, I explore the very typical (but very tragic) pattern of disconnection — a process that takes many marriages right to the brink of divorce and separation.

If you know the stages, you can understand the process.  And the process is reversible.  The earlier you start, the easier the process.  The deeper the hurt and the lower the stage, the more difficult the recovery process.

Are you ready to reconnect?  Please grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

If you already have my System, but want some more intensive training, shoot me an email:  [email protected].  I have some audio training that will transform you and your marriage.

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