how can i save my marriage – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Mistakes Were Made (Now What?)

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 21, 2022 September 19, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 21, 2022

I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly. I make mistakes.

Okay, I’ll admit it: I DO know about you. You make mistakes, too. And how do I know??

We ALL make mistakes! Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful. And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway.

And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressful. Oh, and if you are like most people, you don’t really know what you are doing (if you did, you wouldn’t be here — on this page or with a struggling relationship).

So let’s just assume that you have made some mistakes. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we talk about what to do. I cover questions from two T’s. Different questions, it would seem. But at their core, they are very similar. So, I give some info that applies to each situation, and then we dive into what to do when mistakes are made.

And they WILL be made!

Listen to the episode below.

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Is It Just Delaying The Inevitable?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 28, 2021

I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable?

Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right?

Some people do make the effort to save their marriage… but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit… and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed.

Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do!

And save their marriage, they do!

The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.”

The choice between the two? All yours.

Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes.

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How to Avoid a Blow-Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 19, 2021

Slowly, slowly… you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around… and it is working!

Maybe you think it isn’t moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in… and they start to grow. You can feel it!

But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To keep on making connections.

Until…

Maybe it was something small…

Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing… maybe even a big thing!)…

And BOOM! You blow up!

You use a tone you wish you hadn’t. You say things you wish you hadn’t. You do things you wish you hadn’t.

BLOW UP!

… and then it passes.

But the damage is done.

Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.

So, let’s talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up! It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.

Listen to this week’s podcast episode below.

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When You Can’t Make Your Spouse Happy

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 2, 2020

Many a marriage crisis emerges when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy.” It is really a statement about discontent with the relationship.

But many respond by assuming they now know what they need to do: make their spouse happy.

Which sets in motion an impossible task: making another human happy.

Why won’t it work? Why can’t you make your spouse happy?

Because a) it isn’t your responsibility, and b) it isn’t in your control.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I dive in on why your efforts to make your spouse happy will fail. We discuss what you can control and what you can’t. And I give you four places to shift your focus, so that you can make progress in your efforts.

Listen below to learn why you can’t make your spouse happy… and what to do, instead.

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How Steep is the Climb?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 19, 2020

“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started. The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though. The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems. I didn’t know what she was facing.

When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out. There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged. I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution. My neighbor friend got the book. My neighbor followed the guide. And that cube was, sure enough, solved. Mixed up cube, follow the solution, solved cube. Easy-peesy.

Let’s just say that your marriage is NOT like that rubik’s cube. There are some reasons why your efforts might be harder (or easier) than someone else’s. In fact, there are 3 major complicators to saving your marriage.

Before jumping in to save your marriage, you want to be clear about the complicators — the obstacles — on your path. They make a difference in what you do, how you do it, and how much effort is required.

Listen below to find out how steep your climb is, due to the 3 obstacles.

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Focused On The Wrong Things?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 27, 2020

At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis. Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things.

And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things.

Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.

That can head you right toward disaster and further discord. And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage.

“Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction.”
Kenichi Ohmae

There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst. And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention.

Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis.

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Finding the Energy – Continuing your Efforts

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 22, 2020

“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage. Besides, what is the point?”

Let’s face it: right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained. And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up. Much less when everything feels upside down!

Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down? Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any?

There are some underlying reasons why it may feel like there is no more energy… and it isn’t really about not having energy.

More importantly, there are some things you can do to do an “energy reset.” Make a shift… then save your marriage.

I cover the underlying issues and the way to solve them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Staying the Course in a Crisis (or 2)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 25, 2020

The phrase, “Stay the Course,” comes from the commitment in battle to continue moving toward your goal, regardless of obstacles or difficulties. So first, let’s let go of the battle analogy. You aren’t in battle. But you are fighting for your marriage.

And in this moment, you are fighting to keep yourself and your family safe.

Those are the goals. And that is the problem. A single crisis is tough enough. But a crisis, squared. It isn’t just double. The struggle is exponential. That’s because a crisis on top of a crisis is not cumulative. It can feel like it multiplies the struggle.

So, then, how do you stay the course?

I cover these 4 ways in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast:

Have a plan.
Practice extra patience and grace.
Refuse to absorb anxiety.
Do the Next Right Thing.

Listen below for the details on each.

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Fighting for… Connection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 11, 2019

“Should I even keep fighting for my marriage?”, asks “G.”

Oof, that word… “fighting.” I hear it often. But so many times, when someone says they are “fighting for” their marriage, they end up “fighting against” their spouse. The spouse who doesn’t see how to move forward.

Which is rarely helpful for the process. But I watch person after person “suit up” to do battle, not even sure on what they are fighting.

So, let me clarify that with the question from “E.” She asked why I always talk about connection… not romance, playing “hard to get,” doing “No Contact,” or reverse psychology.

Those two fit together… the “fighting” part and the “connecting” part. You are fighting for connection! For some very specific (and deeply rooted) reasons.

I discuss both in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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“My Therapist Says Divorce!” – Listener Question

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 19, 2019

“In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it,” Claire wrote.

I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)

Here is what happened: Claire wanted to save her marriage. Her husband thought it was over. Claire convinced him to go to therapy. But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it.

Claire was shocked. No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible. Just a declaration that the marriage was over… not from her husband, but from the therapist!

I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story… but I have heard it over and over. Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first?

Let’s talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy… and what to do about them.

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