how to save a marriage – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Staying Together for the Wrong Reasons??

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg December 7, 2022 December 6, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 7, 2022

I’ve been answering listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And in this episode, I pull together a repeating question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?”

Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids. Several told me that their spouse was still there because they could not afford to separate, much less to divorce. And some told me they stayed married just to avoid having to hit the dating scene. And then, there is that anxiety of “what will people think?” So, they stay together.

But is that enough, they ask? Should they only stay together for these “wrong reasons?”

You can make a perspective shift and use those “wrong reasons” to get you to the right place in your relationship.

I cover 4 ways to get there in this episode of the podcast.

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The Next Phase: Chronic or Thriving?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 16, 2022

Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now?

Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few.

What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed. The separation or divorce is off the table. The affair is over. The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom. For most, communication was much improved. For many, lots of things had improved.

Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before.

But….

And this is where there is often some diversity of answers. Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo. Physical contact and connection was still missing. Trust was still struggling.

In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed. It just was no longer on life-support.

So, what now?

Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast. You can listen below.

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The Dangers of Emotions and Decisions

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 2, 2022

It’s a false belief in our culture that we need to “trust our gut” and “follow our emotions.” Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can’t even say what our emotions are, much of the time.

Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What it means? Why it is there right now… and might be gone in 5 minutes? Or tomorrow?

Let’s be clear: a hurting marriage is painful. Conflict is tough. Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating. But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away? What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away.

Is that a reason to give up?

Notice: “feel like” is seen as a “reason.”

Many people tell me they just need to “follow their emotions.” I remind them that there is a group of people who do this… children — around 3 years old! Because they think that the emotion is truth. They are angry, so they throw a fit. 5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play. Until the next upheaval.

Part of maturity is recognizing that emotions are temporal. And we don’t have to react to an emotion. We can choose our response.

Especially around things like marriage. Important things.

Listen to this podcast episode to learn more.

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Why “Limbo” is a Lie

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 26, 2022

Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?

Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.

He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship.

What should he do??

I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. And it may just be where you find yourself, too. Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away.

How do you deal with “Limbo”? We discuss it. Listen below.

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Mistakes Were Made (Now What?)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 21, 2022

I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly. I make mistakes.

Okay, I’ll admit it: I DO know about you. You make mistakes, too. And how do I know??

We ALL make mistakes! Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful. And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway.

And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressful. Oh, and if you are like most people, you don’t really know what you are doing (if you did, you wouldn’t be here — on this page or with a struggling relationship).

So let’s just assume that you have made some mistakes. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we talk about what to do. I cover questions from two T’s. Different questions, it would seem. But at their core, they are very similar. So, I give some info that applies to each situation, and then we dive into what to do when mistakes are made.

And they WILL be made!

Listen to the episode below.

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Beyond Romance

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 16, 2022

For lots of people, this past Monday could not pass fast enough. I heard from a number of people with struggling marriages that told me Valentine’s Day was just one more hurdle. Not a celebration of love, but a moment of further resentment and pain.

Does romance just die with “I do”? Some people seem to think so. For others, the waning romantic feelings are one more proof that the marriage is dead, that the love is gone.

How did we go to using just the romantic feelings as the basis for love? When did this become proof that something was wrong?

And why do we seem to believe that the romantic feelings are either there… or they aren’t?

Somehow, this has become twisted, that romantic feelings lead to love, rather than the romantic feelings flowing from connection AND action.

When we disconnect, it shouldn’t be a surprise that those warm, romantic feelings also suffer. And then, somehow, many people fail to see that the connection and love flows from loving action.

So, can it be turned around?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the 3 barriers to those romantic feelings. And I give 4 ways to start rebuilding back toward romance.

Listen below.

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Quit Asking “Why is This Happening?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 25, 2022

At the beginning of a coaching session, I do a quick “check-in” to see what we need to accomplish in that session. Since coaching is all about moving forward and making progress, I want to make sure we are moving forward toward client success.

But what I often hear instead is, “I want to know why this is happening (the marriage crisis).” I get it. There is something about knowing why that is somehow satisfying, if not particularly helpful. What is even more interesting, though, is how often the same client can return to this very question.

If I hear the question one time, we can answer it and move forward. But if I hear the question on repeat, I know there is something else going on. And one thing I know for sure, time after time, is that this question does nothing to move your marriage or yourself forward.

It is actually an anchor to the past.

And it is hard to move forward when you are anchored backward.

If you want to save your marriage, stop asking how you got here, and start asking how to get to where you want to go!

(I cover it in-depth in the podcast episode. Listen below.)

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“Is This MY Fault??”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 17, 2021

Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question: “Am I the Problem?”

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Zombie Marriage??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 27, 2021

Is your marriage infected by the “zombie virus?” Do you find your relationship to be the “walking dead?” Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with “zombie grunts?”

The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.

Don’t allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship’s immune system. Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.

Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!

Listen below.

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Limiting Beliefs Limiting Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 22, 2021

It almost seems redundant, doesn’t it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something — say, for example, your marriage.

I say IF you have limited beliefs.

Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don’t notice them. And we pay a price for that.

Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs.

Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage?

I’m betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us.

Here’s the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs. Once you know what they are. And decide to change them

Listen below for this week’s podcast.

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