how to save your marriage alone – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Doing The Right Thing vs. Doing It Right

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 27, 2017 September 14, 2017

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 27, 2017

Today, I tackle a pretty sensitive subject: the difference between “Doing The Right Thing” and “Doing It Right.”

Let me be very clear: I believe that working to save your marriage is heroic work. It is pretty counter-cultural in our world of “throw away.” We do it with stuff and relationships. And “No Fault Divorce” (better called “Unilateral Divorce”) has made it simple. Or at least it has been made to seem simple.

I also believe that working on saving a marriage is courageous. It’s pretty scary to be in the middle of a crisis, and to CHOOSE to work on the relationship. That is the definition of courage — feeling fear, and choosing to act, anyway.

Sometimes, I watch people who want to do the right thing, but they don’t do it the right way. “No Contact Rule,” Reverse Psychology, hypnosis, spells. . . you name it, I see people try it.

And I watch their efforts fail. Their desire to change things is absolutely there. But the approach is in trouble. It kind of reminds me of deciding to diet, then choosing an ice-cream diet. Probably not going to get the results you want (although it does sound delicious).

Starting with the best of intentions is a great beginning point. But it has to be followed with an approach that works.

Let’s talk about Doing The Right Thing, AND Doing It The Right Way.

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Desire Versus Decide

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 20, 2017

“I just don’t feel it,” two people told me this week. One didn’t feel like following the plan to save their marriage. The other didn’t feel it for the spouse. One wanted to save the marriage. The other didn’t. Both were motivated by desire (or lack of desire).

Here’s the problem: desire is fickle. To say the least. Even in a strong marriage, desire for each other can ebb and flow. And even the best of us struggle with the desire to do things: exercise, eat well, clean the house, go to work, etc., etc., etc.

Which is the problem with letting “desire” be the measurement of taking action.

Is there another way?

Glad you asked! Yes there is.

It’s a word I particularly like. Decide.

“Desire” is based in an emotional state. “Decide” is a rational choice. It supercedes an emotional state. And it generally is the only reliable way we make progress in any area of life. If I wait for desire, the chances over time of desire showing up — they just keep going down. If I decide to act, I take back full responsibility for my actions.

Has desire been your motivation and measurement (or lack of motivation and measurement)? If so, let’s discuss the alternative.

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A Swiss Cheese Approach To Marriage Crisis

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 26, 2017

It may be an odd preoccupation, but I pour over the scuba accident reports. I like to see how the accidents happened, what led to the accident, and how it might have been prevented.

The same approach is taken to studying scuba accidents as is applied to airline accident and medical accidents. And it should be applied to marriage crises.

There’s a theory of accidents in systems that is called the “Swiss Cheese Theory of Accidents.” Another description would be “multiple causations in spite of prevention systems.” Imagine a bunch of slices of swiss cheese. Usually, a slice with holes in it won’t line the holes up with another slice. If you stack them together, there are no holes all the way through the stack.

But if the holes line up, something could pass right through. Something like an accident.

In scuba, aviation, medical, and industrial fields, there are multiple checks and balances in place (slices of cheese) to keep an accident from happening.

Marriages also have these safety zones: love, priorities, attention, affection, boundaries, communication, etc. The bigger the hole in each system, the bigger the chance that the holes match up. And the bigger the chance of a marriage crisis.

To put it simply, there are multiple causations that go into a marriage crisis. To go a bit deeper, listen to my podcast below.

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Is Fear Destroying Your Chances At Saving Your Marriage?: Save The Marriage Podcast, Ep. 20

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 11, 2013

Fear. It is a primal emotion. You can’t turn it off, and sometimes, it seems like you can’t even turn it down!

But letting your fear take control, that is a different matter. While you can’t stop fear, you can keep fear from ruining your chances of saving your marriage. You can learn how to keep fear from running your life.

Fear is NOT your friend, even if it pretends to be. Your response is up to you. What you don’t want to be is the “rabbit,” frozen in place, or the “swarm of birds,” running here and there but doing nothing good. Your fear response is not automatic.

In this podcast, we examine where fear comes from, focusing on the fear that comes from a marriage crisis.

But then we do more. I tell you exactly what you can do to make sure that your fear does not get in the way of your efforts to save your marriage. I will teach you how to respond to your fears and what to do to keep the fear to a minimum.

You can’t stop the fear, but you can change your response. If you change your response, you change the outcome.

Take a listen, then tell me what YOU do to handle your fears in the comments area below. Then, please share the podcast! Others need to know.

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