how to save your marriage – Page 6 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Why It Matters: The Importance of Your Efforts To Save Your Marriage

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg April 13, 2016 April 13, 2016

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 13, 2016

It matters. Your efforts to save your marriage. They matter. Your desire to work things through, to find a better way for your relationship. It matters.

When you are in the midst of the struggle, it can feel horrible. You can get frustrated and discouraged, forget the reasons why you are doing it, and be ready to throw your hands up in the air in defeat.

Before you do that, let me tell you: What you are doing, IT MATTERS!

Every single day, I watch as people fight through the hurt and pain, the emotions and discouragement, to keep on working on a hurting relationship. I am in awe of that effort. It is truly courageous.

We live in a world of “disposables.” People easily discard anything. Including marriages. They fail to see the hurt, the harm that is caused by pushing it aside. They think they are taking the better, easier way. Instead, they are buying into the disposable culture — only to see the destruction in hindsight.

But you. You have chosen to stand up to that and say, “I want to save this.” It won’t be easy, but it is noble.

Let me tell you why it matters, why this is so important, in this week’s podcast.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

“Why Are We Fighting?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 6, 2016

Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, “why am I even arguing over this? It doesn’t matter”?

I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others.

It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives. They are not the big things, but the small things. And that is the tragic part: many marriages die from a thousand nicks. It is often not the big deals, but the tiny things. In fact, many times, the big deals are a result of the lifeblood lost on the tiny things.

Which raises the question: WHY do we have these arguments? Why do we bicker? (Check out the podcast below)

And then, the second question: HOW to change this pattern? (Check out the podcast below)

RELATED RESOURCES:
Control
Disconnect
Problems with Therapy
VIP (IF you have the System)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Is It “Too Little, Too Late”?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 30, 2016

You start working to save your marriage. You are working on rebuilding the connection. You have been trying to change and improve yourself. You’ve been focused. You’ve been putting in the effort.

And then, your spouse says, “Too little, too late.”

The bubble is burst, the sail’s deflated. Another kick in the gut.

And you feel like giving up. If it is hopeless, why even try?

Because I don’t think it is hopeless. I have seen MANY situations where a spouse says this, and the marriage is saved. (And yes, I have seen times when a spouse says this, and it turns out to be accurate.) There is one problem: you can’t know on this side of the crisis.

Sometimes, it is not “too little,” and it is not “too late.” It just isn’t over yet. The work is only underway, not completed.

I give 5 steps to moving beyond “too little, too late” in this podcast training. Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Apologize
Heal The Connection
Your Spouse Is NOT The Enemy
You Need A Plan
(if you have my System) VIP Program

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Are You Forward-Facing (Or Rear-Watching)?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 23, 2016

Which way are you facing in your relationship? Are you looking toward where you want to be, or looking back at where you have been?

I’ve noticed that as a rule, when I am driving my car, I am better served by looking out the windshield than looking in my rear-view mirror or turning around and staring out the back window.

Turns out that is pretty much true in life, too. When we get focused on looking backward, at where we have been, we rarely get to where we want.

Many people, and many couples, stay focused on what is behind them. Nothing can change, nothing will shift, but there they watch. The history becomes the focus.

If that is the case for you, let me suggest you shift your focus. Face forward and lets decide where to go, not be caught in where you’ve been.

Listen to the training below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Why “I’ll Try Anything” Is NOT A Plan

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 9, 2016

Desperation. It is never a good guide. Desperation leads you down any and every approach. And in the process, you get nowhere.

I know, because I have seen it happen. Someone will say to me, “I’ll try anything to save my marriage.” And they try everything.

Book after book, resource after resource, and unfortunately, trick after trick. They leave themselves exhausted and their spouse confused.

Doing “anything” often ends up being “everything,” which ends up doing “nothing.”

What a difference, though, when someone finds an approach that agrees with their ethics and worldview, from someone who is qualified to help, that matches their situation, and passes the “smell and taste test,” as well as the “mirror test.”

The marriage has a chance. The relationship can get some traction.

We live in a world full of information. That information is not the same as knowledge, and often far from wisdom. It’s just information.

Learn why “doing anything” is dangerous, and the 5 steps to assessing everything you see. You CAN create a plan that works, with an approach that fits, when you know how to assess the information.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Fear Got You Stuck?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 2, 2016

Just the other day, I received a message from someone who said she wanted to save her marriage BUT she was afraid. She told me about the fear that gripped her, SO she couldn’t work on saving her marriage. I tried to have a discussion with her, but she had a mistaken belief that her fear was keeping her from saving her marriage.

It was not her fear. It was her. She was keeping herself from working on saving her marriage. Fear = background noise, at least in the process of saving your marriage.

Fear should never choose your actions. Fear should never dictate what you do (or don’t do). But many times, it does.

You probably already know that EVERYONE feels fear. And many of us forget that fear is just that — a feeling. We make it real. We make it some determining factor in what we can do. Fear can keep you stuck. But it doesn’t have to. That choice is up to you.

Discover how to keep your fear from keeping you stuck (notice I did NOT say “how to not feel fear”) and how to move forward.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage
You Need A Plan
Tools of Connection
The System
The VIP Program

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Don’t Complicate It

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 24, 2016

Sometimes, I am working with a client and suggest an approach, only to hear the next week, “I did that, and I (added this twist), and things got worse!” I always ask, “Why did you do that? Why did you make that change?” And usually, my client says, “It seemed too simple.”

We humans are funny creatures. We always want to complicate things!

A word of advice: DON’T!

While it may not be easy, the process of saving your marriage is really simple. Don’t complicate it. Find your approach, create your plan, and stick with it.

Learn about how to follow a simple process in this week’s podcast. Don’t complicate it!

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage
Have A Plan
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Try A NEW Marriage Model!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 27, 2016

We all have ideas, “mental models,” of what things are and how things work. Those models tend to change over time, both throughout history in in your own life.

A great example is marriage. Did you know that several millennia back, a marriage was a property transfer? A man needed help, a wife and kids. So, the man made a deal with another family, paying that family a “dowry” for that woman. She (and the kids) was property.

Did you know that same model is still true in some areas of the world?

If you are reading this, that is not likely to be your model of marriage. Over time, western culture has shifted through several other models of marriage. Some were utilitarian — a marriage was designed to be a place to have a family and be secure. Some were more about companionship — to have someone by your side, throughout a lifetime.

More recently, we have arrived at what some relationship theorists have called the “self-expressive marriage.” We live in a self-expressive world, where if you feel it, you do it. Follow your passions.

Let me be very clear: I am all for personal growth. I am all for a fully engaged and fulfilling relationship. Unfortunately, we have taken this “self-expressive marriage” and turned it into “self-gratifying marriage.”

There is a vital shift that seems to happen shortly after marriage for many couples. You probably married because you wanted to show your spouse how deeply you loved him/her. Many couples (how about you?) then make a subtle shift, asking “How are you showing me you love me?” Said slightly more cynically, that amounts to “What are YOU doing for ME?” Thus, the self-gratifying marriage, and one major side-effect: when it is no longer gratifying, it is time to leave.

Is there, perhaps, another model for marriage?

Yep. Marriage can be the stage for growth, relationally and personally, when we take that on. Life is all about growing — or stagnating. Are you growing? Is your relationship growing?

Learn more about the new model in this week’s podcast (Listen Below).

RELATED RESOURCES:
3 Steps To Saving Your Marriage
Marriage Is A WE
Save The Marriage System
Save The Marriage VIP (If you have the System)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

End Your Dance of Hurt and Blame

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 20, 2016

Hurt. Blame. Hurt. Blame.

The dance goes round and round, each person dancing the steps. That dance isn’t fun. But it certainly seems to be a popular dance for couples!

Every relationship has its unique “dance,” and both people generally stick to the same steps. . . until it doesn’t work anymore.

Then, the marriage can easily lapse into trouble.

Unless you decide to change the dance.

Since we are on this dance theme, many people tell me, “Well, it takes two to Tango.” True.

And if you are married, you two are dancing. In other words, the dance is already in progress. But you know what? In every dance, someone can choose to “lead” in a different way, choose to dance some different steps. And maybe even decide to change the music and dance a different dance entirely.

Tired of the dance you are in?

Stop the “dance of blame and hurt!”

RELATED RESOURCES:
Finding Your Why
Showing Up
Connection Resources
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

4 Marriage Crisis Mistakes To Avoid

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 13, 2016

A marriage crisis doesn’t ever start as a crisis. It may start as a deficit in action or understanding, inattention, neglect, or some small altercation.

But it can spread over time, engulfing the entire relationship in crisis.

Many times, people tell me, “I should have taken action long ago, but _______.”

Fill in the blank with:

“I didn’t know what to do.”
“I didn’t know we were in trouble.”
“I was afraid to do anything.”
“I was afraid I would make it worse.”
“I shouldn’t be the one who has to do something.”

Mistakes along the way begin to escalate the marriage problem, until it is a full-blown marriage crisis. Then what?

Then, you have to avoid these 4 mistakes. (My bet is that the first mistake has already been made.)

Learn what the mistakes are, and how to avoid or correct them.

RELATED RESOURCE:
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS