how to save your marriage – Page 8 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

The First Thing That MUST Change. . .

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg August 12, 2015 July 31, 2015

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 12, 2015

“Jack” was dancing around my office: pacing, sitting, jumping up, sitting down, pacing. . . .

Jack’s wife just revealed that she did not want to stay married. 22 years of marriage. Gone. Jack was in panic mode.

“What do I do?”, he repeatedly asked.

To be honest, Jack had already done a number of things I would have advised against. He was already behind the proverbial “eight ball.”

Jack’s determination was actually getting him into worse trouble. His efforts were in the wrong direction, confusing, and only leading to more anger.

So, Jack asked me where he should start.

I knew what Jack wanted. He wanted what we all want: a shortcut, an easy technique, a secret “ninja move” that would turn things around.

But as is true with most things in life, it is a bit more complicated than that.

“Jack,” I said, “take a deep breath. Sit back and listen.” Jack struggled with that, but he did it. Until I told him that something else had to change first: his mindset.

In fact, Jack and I discussed 5 ways his mindset had to shift. I share those 5 areas with you on this podcast. I tell you what needs to shift, and how it needs to shift.

Even if you have been trying to save your marriage for some time, this is important. You may not have even made that first shift that is crucial for anything to move forward.

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5 Ways Your Hurt and Pain Keep You Stuck

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 5, 2015

“James” and “Tina” are like many people who have contacted me over the years.

James and his wife had been struggling for years. Arguments, fights, and conflicts had cut into their love for each other.

While James believed there was still love there, he knew it was buried deep for both of them. James spent lots of time licking his wounds, remembering the struggles — and usually seeing that he had been “done wrong.”

He contacted me because James didn’t want to end his marriage. But he didn’t know what to do. He was stuck.

Tina’s husband just left one day. They had not been fighting. Really, neither had ever been much on arguing.

On his way out the door, Tina’s husband said, “I just don’t feel anything. I need to clear my mind and see what comes up.” And he was gone.

Tina was devastated. What had she done? Why had she been abandoned? Tina wrote to say, “I don’t want a divorce. But I didn’t do this. Why should I have to do anything?”

Pain and hurt. We avoid those feelings, but they still come to us. That’s a part of life.

But sometimes, the pain and hurt can keep us stuck. Ironically, when pain or hurt keeps you stuck, you generally only get more pain and hurt. In other words, the “stuck” just keeps us in a cycle of getting more of what we want to avoid.

Is there another option?

Let’s discuss why pain and hurt keep you stuck and the games you play because of the hurt. Then, let’s discuss a way to get un-stuck.

Listen below.

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What Game Are You Playing?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 29, 2015

We all have hidden agendas. We all play games. And these are not “fun” games. They are mental games.

The problem is, in every game, every hidden agenda, every ulterior motive, there is manipulation and indirectness.

It may work for salespeople, attorneys, and politicians. But it rarely works for spouses and friends.

When someone is playing a mental game, our “BS” meter becomes hypersensitive. Something is just not quite right, just a little off.

And because of that, we lose trust.

What is YOUR game? What is the hidden agenda? What is the ulterior motive?

Don’t get tripped up by playing those games.

Learn what to do. And what NOT to do. . . .

Additional Resources:
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program

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Separation: Can It Save Your Marriage (Or Cost You A Marriage)?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 15, 2015

You want to save your marriage. Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it. That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.

And so, I often have the question asked, “Should we separate? Will a separation save my marriage?”

Can a separation save a marriage?

Short answer: yes, it can.

Longer answer: a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely. And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction.

Fairly recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced. In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce.

I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage. It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help.

But here is the thing: if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution. And yes, you can find “fans” of separation. There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage.

Those people are ignoring the statistics.

They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict.

But are there better solutions? Absolutely. Here is one.

In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic — so that you understand that. I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort. Listen below for help with separation.

RESOURCES:
Article on Separating
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)

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Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Will Change (And What To Do About It)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 1, 2015

You have arrived at that point. You know you are not doing all you can and being all you can be. It is time for a change.

Perhaps with hat in hand, you sit down with your spouse and let your spouse know, in your most sincere and concerned voice, that you know you have fallen short. You know you can do better. . . and you promise to change.

What you expected was a spouse who is supportive and hopeful, smiling at you, and proud of your efforts.

What you get, instead, is anger and frustration. Maybe it is the silent treatment. Or maybe it is yelling. Through clenched teeth, you may hear your spouse say, “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.” Or maybe, “We’ll just see about that.”

Why?

You feel shot down. Maybe hopeless. That did not play out the way you thought it would.

Why?

Don’t blame your spouse. Choose to fix it. Choose to make the change.

Here is what to do, when your spouse doesn’t believe you will change.

RELATED HELP AND RESOURCES:
Show Up
Connect
The System
Virtual Coaching

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How To TRULY Change

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 17, 2015

Life is change. Relationships change, we change, the world around us changes.

Yet, for the most part, we humans resist change.

Let’s assume you have now listened to my series on What Happy Couples Do Differently. Let’s further assume that you think it might be even a good idea to move in that direction.

That does raise the question of how to change. You’ve already decided to change.

So, for the next couple of weeks, lets talk about this change.

Real change.

Not just making it look like you are changing. But truly changing.

That change starts from the inside, and works outward. The level of change we are talking about is changing your beliefs, your paradigm, your understanding of the world.

Are you ready?

If you are, let me invite you to learn about my KNAC Protocol of Change. This protocol describes the 3 arenas of change, and how each one builds to a real change.

Listen in on the podcast as I describe the KNAC Protocol and how to begin the process of change.

Resources Referenced:
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 1: Conflict
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 2: Connection
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 3: Companionship
The Save The Marriage System

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11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Companionship (part 3)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 3, 2015

Happy couples are no different than unhappy couples. They have similar backgrounds, same jobs, same income levels, and same interests.

But they do some things differently. And those differences in how they do conflict, connection, and companionship, make all the difference.

Changes in action lead to changes in trajectory. That leads to changes in outcome.

But what if you could extrapolate those differences, and add them into YOUR relationship.

Well, for the past three episodes, that is what we have been doing.

In the first episode, we looked at how happy couples do conflict differently.

In the second episode, we looked at how happy couples connect with each other differently.

In this week’s episode, we turn to how happy couples treat each other differently, as individuals. This is about how they treasure their companion and protect their relationship.

Successful couples see themselves as a team, a unit, a WE (as I call it). But that WE is made up of two individuals. Those two individuals create the strongest WE when they are strong, themselves. When they develop and grow, the bring that growth and energy into the relationship.

More than that, happy couples create and maintain boundaries around their relationship. They protect and treasure the relationship. They support and treasure each other.

Learn how happy couples treat their companionship in this week’s podcast episode.

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11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Connection (part 2)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 27, 2015

Success leaves a trail. If you want more of something, take a look at those who have what you want.

In this podcast series, we are examining what happy couples do differently than other couples.

Last week, we looked at how happy couples deal with conflict differently.

This week, we examine five ways happy couples connect differently than other couples.

Connection is the lifeblood of a marriage. Without that sense of connection, the relationship atrophies and begins to die.

But there are a group of couples that have learned to stay connected, and build their connection. Learn their secrets in this week’s podcast episode.

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11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Conflict (part 1)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 20, 2015

This week, we start a series on what happy couples do differently than other couples.

Success leaves a trail. Experts have been saying this for decades. If you want to get somewhere, look at people who have gotten there. What do they do differently? How have they managed to get themselves there?

Happy couples are not special. They are no better trained than other couples. They don’t have some special “coupling” gene. They don’t come from better homes. They aren’t “relationship geniuses.”

In fact, they are like all the other couples — except they do some things differently. And those differences result in happy relationships.

So, what are those differences? They are the focus of this series of free audios.

Over the course of the next three podcasts, we will examine 11 things happy couples do differently.

By taking a look at those 11 things, you can see the path. You can see the trail. And you can follow their map.

Over the years, I have noticed a truth: 100% of couples have struggles. Around 50% find a way to work through those struggles. But that doesn’t mean that 50% of couples are happy. Only that they have chosen to stay together.

Couples really fall into 3 categories:

Decide to bail because of the difficulties.
Decide to “hang in there,” and just be miserable.
Decide to learn from the struggles, grow, and build a great relationship.

This series is focused on how couples get to category 3. This is not about “sticking it out,” nor is it about bailing, hoping to find a better option. It is about building a great relationship, where you are and with your spouse.

In this episode, we take a look at 3 ways happy couples deal with conflict differently. Learn their secrets and apply it to your relationship.

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The Bonding Code with Bob Grant

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 13, 2015

Did you know there is a science to bonding?

“Bonding” is what happens when people arrive at the place where they are so connected that they want to be together forever.

Here’s the problem: many people think they have successfully bonded — but they aren’t! The proof is how many marriages get into trouble.

But there is a pattern, a path, a code to bonding. And while you may not navigate each stage, you will pay the price later on. The bond won’t hold.

Sometimes, I try to use Crazy Glue. You know that stuff that is supposed to hold something together forever? Well, in my experience, it doesn’t work — or should I say, I don’t get it to work!

I have to make a confession: I don’t really follow the directions. They are there on the container. You are supposed to clean and prep each side, place some on each side, hold them together, blah, blah, blah.

You see that “blah, blah, blah?” We do the same thing with relationships. Yes, there is a science, and yes, there is a path. But instead of following it, a couple says, “We’ve got this. We know how to do it.”

Strangely, since they have never done it before, I am not sure why they think they “have it.” No surprise that down the road, there is trouble. The “bond” doesn’t hold the two together.

Can it be fixed?

Yes.

Rebonding is possible. But if you are working on re-bonding, maybe it is time to follow the instructions.

Join me, as I interview relationship expert, Bob Grant, on The Bonding Code.

We discuss the process of bonding, and what to do when that process is in trouble.

RESOURCES:
The Bonding Code
Podcast Episode: The Truth About Attraction

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