lee h. baucom – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Therapy or Bust!

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg February 10, 2021 February 8, 2021

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 10, 2021

We had been talking for at least half an hour. I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do. I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing.

Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out. They want a loving, connected relationship and right now, it has problems they can’t quite solve. But they know something has to change, or they are headed for deeper problems and even divorce. So, I work hard to show a way forward.

I was pretty open with my concerns about therapy with this caller. She had heard my podcasts on the subject and knew I had major reservations. (Statistics are pretty clear on this topic.)

Which is why I was a bit surprised when she asked, “So, could you recommend a therapist?”

Okay, admittedly, I was not overly surprised. I get the same request on a regular basis. That, in spite of my clear discussions about marriage therapy issues, problems, and limitations. (And yes, I was trained as a marriage therapist. Yes, I have lots of therapist friends. Yes, I am even married to one. And yes, I still have concerns.)

I guess I was more surprised because we had, even just five minutes earlier, discussed my concerns. Yet, here we were. Looking for a therapist.

“Therapist or Bust,” it would seem!

Did I recommend a therapist? Nope. Because I don’t do that. For several reasons. I discuss my concerns and reasons on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I look at why we default to a method that has pretty poor outcome results. I look at some basic problems with the therapy approach, and discuss when therapy does make sense. Avoid the traps and you are well ahead of the game!

Listen in below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

When Your Plan Hits a Wall

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 21, 2020

Your plan to save your marriage has hit a wall.

Maybe things were moving forward, or maybe they have been stalled from the beginning. But your plan? It hit the wall.

First, let me assure you that this is not unusual. In fact, it is typical. Most plans hit a wall before success.

Second, let me assure you that this does not mean you have failed, that your marriage has failed.

But let me warn you, when people hit the wall, many give up and walk away. Many throw away their plan, their hopes, and their dreams. Unnecessarily.

So let me say it again: just because your plan has hit a wall does not mean your marriage can’t be saved. It means your plan hit a wall. Time to adjust and shift. Time to process. Time to find clarity.

But it doesn’t have to be time to quit.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what it means when you hit the wall, why it happens, and how to get restarted — and not giving up! Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Not Doing or Not Knowing What To Do

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 17, 2020

Every day, I hear from people who are stuck in a marriage crisis. When I ask them, “what are you doing to work on your marriage?”, their response is: “Well, not much…. I’m stuck.”

Just to clarify, these folks are all wanting to save their marriage. None want their relationship to just end. That’s why they are reaching out to me.

HERE IS WHO I AM

They (and probably you) want to save your marriage. And yet many times, nothing is really happening. Maybe you’ve already tried something. But many times, there hasn’t really been any action.

What’s going on here? Why no action?

Years ago, a health crisis made me take a long look in the mirror. Did I know that not exercising was not good? Yep. Did I know that eating poorly was not good? Yep.

And still, I didn’t exercise and I didn’t eat well.

Then, my body rebelled. To the point that I had doctors telling me that I was headed for disability… and eventual death. That will get your attention!

I was fortunate. While their diagnosis was correct, the prognosis was not. I beat the odds and recovered. Not because I was taking better care of myself. I just got lucky.

But it got my attention! I realized that I had to turn things around… before the next crisis came along… one that I could not beat.

So, I started exercising. I tried to eat better. I WANTED to get better. And sure, there was a difference. I got in better shape. I was dealing with stress better. And yes, in some ways, I was eating better.

My weight, though, didn’t shift much. I kept trying to eat better… but not much changed on the scale.

Yes, I was frustrated. I kept telling myself I was DOING something. But really, it was only a minor shift. Mostly because I did not understand HOW to make a change.

Did I want to lose weight and get into better shape? Absolutely. Had I made some progress? No doubt. Had anything truly changed? Nope. Except now, I was well aware of my plight? I knew I needed to change. I just wasn’t doing anything that was going to make a change.

Know why?

I didn’t know how!

Sometimes, we say we want to do something… but we really don’t. We just think we should want to do it. But many times, we really do want to make a change… we just lack the know-how.

So, I started researching. No, I did not want to do the research on how to eat better. No, I didn’t even want to be an expert in eating better. But I wanted to FIND the expert… the person who had already done the research. Then, I could just follow what they had already found.

First stop was the Slow Carb Diet. It worked. I lost weight. But on cheat days, I felt absolutely awful. So, I dug deeper and found the Paleo approach. That was like magic. Since then, I have just been fine-tuning as I find better research. That has included Keto dieting, Intermittent Fasting, etc. My body weight? I’m 6’4”, and weigh 185. I wear the same pant waist size as in college. My body fat is around 11%. Not bad for an almost-54 year old.

Was it because I became an expert?

No. It was because I found expertise and followed their advice. I didn’t need to reinvent something. I just needed to follow something.

What about marriage?

Here is the honest truth: most people fail in marriage because nobody told them what marriage was really about.

HERE IS A TRAINING ON WHAT MARRIAGE IS REALLY ABOUT

And even if you might have some idea of what a marriage is about, what do you do when there is a crisis? There is no reason for you to know how to deal with a crisis. We rarely know what to do when something unexpected hits.

What caused the problem?

HERE IS A TRAINING ON WHY MARRIAGES GET INTO TROUBLE

“Sure,” you might say, “things haven’t been the best. But they weren’t the worst. Why a crisis now?”

HERE IS A TRAINING ON WHY YOU ARE IN CRISIS NOW

Once the crisis is here, you are likely unprepared on what to do. So, let me suggest taking a look at my Back To Basics Series.

HERE IS THE BACK TO BASICS SERIES OF TRAINING

Here’s what I know: you are serious about saving your marriage. That means you have a desire to save your marriage. But as we have discussed, wanting to save your marriage is far different than knowing how to save your marriage.

The fact that you are not willing to just give up and walk away is commendable. It is COURAGEOUS to decide to work on saving a marriage. Saving your marriage MATTERS.

But here is where the “rubber hits the road.” Desire to save your marriage is not enough. You need steps. You need a plan.

How are your efforts going? Are you stuck? Let’s get you through this.

Do you have my Save The Marriage System?

“NO” – Click HERE To GRAB My SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM

“YES” – Click HERE To LEARN MORE About Coaching Options For MORE HELP

Look, I recognize that saving a marriage can be tough, painful, scary, and frustrating. As much as you WANT to do it, you have to KNOW HOW to do it. Otherwise, you will either get stuck because you don’t know what to do or make it worse by doing the wrong thing.

It is too important to stay stuck. It isn’t your fault that you didn’t know what to do. But it is up to you to figure it out… for you, your spouse, your marriage, and your family. So, let’s make sure you have what you need. Let’s get you “up to speed” and get you moving ahead.

It is always your choice on whether to save your marriage or not. If you decide to, then the next decision is to find out how.

If you need a System that has been tested and refined for nearly 3 decades, GO HERE TO GRAB MY SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM.

If you have my System, but still need more help, CHECK OUT MY OTHER RESOURCES HERE.

I’m pulling for you!

Lee Baucom, Ph.D.
Creator of the Save The Marriage System
Author of How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, Recovering From The Affair, Marriage Failpoint, Thrive Principles, The Immutable Laws Of Living, The Forgive Process
Host of Save The Marriage Podcast and Thriveology Podcast

“Am I The Problem?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 17, 2019

Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question: “Am I the Problem?”

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Am I Against Therapy?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 23, 2019

I spent way more time in school than I would like. To be honest, I never enjoyed school. Not when I was a kid. Not in high school. Not in college. And not in 3 rounds of grad school (2 Master’s and 1 Ph.D.).

But I spent that time in school because I had a goal. To be a therapist. So, I did extensive training, focusing on marriage and family therapy.

So why am I critical of therapy?

Partly because I have seen it from the inside. Partly because I have seen the outcome studies of therapy — particularly marital therapy.

Which raises the question: am I opposed to therapy?

The answer: not in theory. And not even in some specifics.

When couples are ready to make changes, and when they work with a therapist who is specifically trained in marriage and family therapy theory, and who is skilled… the outcome can be excellent.

I know many couples who have benefitted. And I know some pretty amazing therapists.

But overall, the stats are not good. At least, in terms of saving marriages. 1/2 of all marriages that get therapy end up divorced — the same stat that applies to the general population.

There are some specific reasons why therapy often falls short. Some have to do with therapy/therapist. Some have to do with clients/couples.

I discuss why there are issues in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.

If you have tried therapy and it didn’t work, or if you don’t want to do therapy, please grab my Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Why NOT To Tell…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 16, 2019

I know. It’s tempting. Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it. Maybe your friends would be good to tell. Or maybe your family can listen. Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to “talk some sense” into your spouse.

Don’t. Stop. Think again before you share.

Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around.

You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love. And you might get support. But that support likely includes siding with you. And if someone sides with you, they will likely side against your spouse.

When you talk to someone about a problem with someone else, you create a “triangle,” to use a term from communication experts. And that triangle may feel good and feel more stable. But it complicates the original conflict and issues.

And that often serves to further undermine the relationship… along with the chances for recovery.

Does that mean that you can’t get help and support?

Nope. You just want to go about getting support the right way.

I discuss the reasons why NOT to tell others about your marriage problems in this week’s podcast episode… along with who TO tell. Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

It’s a NO… (unless you ask/try)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 9, 2019

It is probably the most frequent question I get… “Should I try to save my marriage?” I get it in conversations, voicemails, emails, even by Messenger the other day. People often give me a few (sometimes, very few) details about their relationship and want my professional opinion on whether they should try to save their marriage (or keep trying).

Truth is, that is a decision I cannot and will not make. Each person has to decide whether they want to try and save the marriage. I can’t make that choice for them.

But I do think there are some pretty important things to consider, as you try to answer that question.

One thing, after nearly 3 decades of helping people with their marriages, I know is the outcome of NOT working on their relationship. NOT trying is almost certainly NOT saving the relationship. There is a high probability that not taking action will lead to the marriage ending.

The real choice is NOT saving the marriage or PERHAPS saving the marriage.

Is it possible that you put forth effort… really dig in… really give it your best effort… and your marriage still fails. But it is nearly guaranteed that if you don’t take action, your marriage will end. And it is highly possible that you put in the effort… and your marriage is saved.

The choice is your choice. But it is a NO… unless you try.

Let’s talk about that choice in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

The ARC of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 6, 2017

Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living — including in marriage.

Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage.

These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC.

Acceptance
Responsibility
Control

Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Beware The Marriage Monsters! (Halloween Special Edition)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 30, 2015

When I was 10 or 11 years old, my father took us to my first haunted house. It was right near our church, and was run by a community group that was fundraising. My father thought it would be good, clean fun. A few little scares, but nothing else.

The building was old, and scary by itself. And I should have known when the “ghoul” of a guide jumped out and scared us. But I innocently followed our guide into that building.

Never since have I been so terrified! They were not there for us to have a good time. The volunteers were out to scare us as much as possible! And it worked. I was terrified.

Every Halloween, I think back to how scary those monsters were. All I wanted was to get out of that building. And I had no idea how. So, all I could do was keep moving forward, facing one “monster” after another.

Too many times, I see marriages that have become monsters. They are scary. They are destructive. And many times, the people just want out.

But as every old horror movie will show you, every monster has a weakness. Every monster can be defeated. IF you know what that monster is about, and you know the monster’s weaknesses.

In honor of the season it is, I wanted to tell you about 5 Marriage Monsters, how they behave, and how to defeat them.

Marriage Monster #1: The Zombie Marriage

In a zombie marriage, the spouses just pass each other, no life in their eyes, barely grunting at each other. There is no life in the relationship. They just drudge through the days, their relationship among the “living dead.”

Neither takes action to hurt the other. But if either one tries to bring life into their relationship, the other sucks those brains right out!

If you could get deeply enough in, neither one wants to be infected by the zombie virus. But neither does anything to truly change it.

Marriage Monster #2: The Frankenstein Marriage

A Frankenstein Marriage is built innocently. They had the best of intentions to create new life in the marriage. But they didn’t know what they were doing. So, the couple patches a little from here and a little from there. They do things just like some people, and refuse to do it like other relationships they have seen.

Since they never really knew what they were creating, they never quite get the “soul” into it. And so, it just wanders the meadows with no clear direction, wreaking havoc with anyone in its path. The marriage doesn’t even know what is wrong. Just that something isn’t right.

Marriage Monster #3: The Mummy Marriage

Sometimes, people just can’t quite let go of the past. They just want to dig up the old stuff. So, off they go on an archeology dig, unearthing old stuff — and releasing mummies along the way.

Those mummies do hurtful things. They rage over injustices from the past. They try to live in the present. And as long as people keep giving them power, they grow stronger.

It seems that people forget that those mummies are just dust on the inside. One tug on the wrapping, and everything falls apart. The curse only happens, though, when those dead mummies are unearthed. Had they only been left alone. . . .

Marriage Monster #4: The Vampire Marriage

Vampires suck their victims of life, then move on. Usually, they charm their way in, but are only there to get what they want. Every move is an attempt to position themselves to gain their life-sustaining need, but in the process, sucking the victim dry.

Whenever I hear this phrase from a couple: “me, me, me,” I know they are suffering from a vampire marriage that will suck them dry. Marriages are about expressing love, not constantly trying to extract love.

In vampire marriages, people keep score, but only in their own ledger that is constantly weighted in their favor. They only see what they put in, and what the other person puts in is invisible. If they were to only look in the mirror, they would see there is no reflection. They are out for what they can get, but don’t know it yet.

Marriage Monster #5: The Werewolf Marriage

Many marriages suffer from this monster. By day, all looks fine. The mild-mannered marriage goes along its merry way. But then, as the moon begins to rise (as something triggers the people), they are transformed into vicious creatures, capable of tearing the throats of each other. They fight, tooth and nail, to satisfy the burning anger.

But as daylight comes, they return to their mortal senses. And for the most part, they refuse to notice the damage done. They act as if nothing is wrong. Oh, sure, deep down inside, they sense that something is amiss. But they dare not look too closely.

And in the process, they miss the damage that each episode brings. Others cower and avoid. They try to find out what the trigger was. They try to avoid those nights of destruction.

Can These Monsters Be Defeated?

Fortunately, every horror film reveals one important fact: every monster, no matter how scary or destructive, has a weakness. Every monster can be defeated.

But only if you know the secret. Only if you know why the monster is there, what the monster’s weakness is, and only if someone is courageous enough to take the monster on.

Courage and information. That is all you need to defeat your marriage monster.

Identify the monster that has attacked your marriage. Then listen to the special audio below to understand the weaknesses of each. Then commit to striking down that Marriage Monster!

RELATED RESOURCES:
Original Zombie Marriage Podcast
Show Up
No Ledger
Be A WE
The System
Coaching

(Music courtesy of Purple-Planet.com)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Why You Need A PLAN To Save Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 11, 2015

Do you have a plan to save your marriage?

Not an idea, floating around in your head.

But a plan.

Written down.

I have been asking this question for years, especially when someone tells me their marriage isn’t turning around.

90% tell me they DON’T have a plan. I tell them, “that is the starting point.”

If you don’t have a plan, you don’t have a map. If you don’t have a map, it is tough to get to where you want to get.

I know: you have books, CD’s, DVD’s, study courses, articles, and all sorts of other information on how to save your marriage.

Information is just data. When you take that information and process it (think and ponder about it) about your current situation, you arrive at knowledge. Contrary to popular opinion, knowledge is not power. It has no power until you apply it.

When you apply knowledge, and you keep applying it — learning from it and allowing it to transform you, then you arrive at wisdom!

But if you have no plan — no written plan for how you plan to save your marriage — the information is just information. Interesting. But not transforming.

In this week’s audio, I discuss several reasons why a written plan is so important, and how to get started on your plan.

Remember this quote, as it applies to having a plan:

Consult your plan, not your emotions.

Whenever you allow your emotions to call the shots, you will end up with those who see no change. But when you consult your plan (you do have a plan, right?), new possibilities emerge.

Time to make a plan!

Here are the resources I mention in the podcast:
The Save The Marriage System (if you don’t have this, you need it, so you can start making your plan!)
Finding Your Why
[email protected] (If you are interested in the Virtual Coaching Program — limited availability!)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS