marriage crisis – Page 2 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Moving Forward… One Way or The Other…

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 18, 2019 September 9, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 18, 2019

“I need some encouragement,” the note ended. The writer is a listener of my podcast and admitted the hard work that has gone into trying to save his marriage.

At the same time, another listener asked about whether this effort — the work to save her marriage — was just a “waste of time.” Could I, the writer wanted to know, point to some hope? Some reason to continue the efforts.

If you haven’t felt like these two writers, I’d be surprised. And would be super-surprised if it did not emerge at some point in the process.

Working on a marriage crisis can feel like a slow slog through a deep bog, hip-high in quicksand and sludge. It can feel like it threatens to pull you under.

Those are the times we need some encouragement and direction. Some… as one asked… hope, and as the other asked… encouragement.

I don’t believe in false hope. I tell it like it is… and encourage you to take the steps you need to take. I shoot straight and tell the truth. So, first, let me say that I do not (and have never) claim that every marriage can be saved. Even if you do everything right, your spouse may still refuse to move toward the relationship.

I also know that there are two good outcomes. First is to save your marriage. Second is to rest assured that you did everything you could do to save your marriage.

My encouragement: There is one way through this. And that is THROUGH this. Regardless of outcome, YOU WILL BE OK. And YOU get to choose how you respond to this and every other challenge in life. So respond the best you can. Do your best. Rest in that knowledge.

Oh, and make sure you prepare yourself to do your best. Equip and execute. You’ve GOT this!

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“Why Should I Even Try?” – When Discouragement Hits… Hard

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 24, 2019

Several people have asked me the same thing: “What if I am not even sure I want to save my marriage? I am so frustrated and discouraged, I feel like quitting… not even trying.”

It is a great question!

(By the way, if you want to submit a question for me to consider answering on a future podcast, email to [email protected])

Let’s be honest: it can be a frustrating and discouraging process. Sometimes, people think I say the process is easy. But in my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, I use the word, “Simple.” That is not the same as easy. Just direct. Simple. (Only 3 steps.)

Many people, in a fit of frustration, a moment of anger, give up and walk away… only to regret it just a little further down the road.

Which is why I suggest you think about your decision a bit differently. I suggest you assess your reasons as part of your plan, and as a touch-point when things are difficult (and they will be). Because many times, the difficulty comes when people are close to success… they just didn’t know it.

If you are discouraged (or want to avoid being discouraged), listen in on this episode of the podcast, as I explore “Why Even Try???”

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Don’t Get Pulled Under

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 1, 2019

Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.

Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?

This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby… and anyone.

And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning… even with no water (other than tears). The desperation is there. The flailing is there. And if you aren’t careful, you can get pulled under.

One person in crisis is enough. Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.

Don’t allow yourself to get pulled under.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.

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What Went Wrong?? – Back2Basics Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 20, 2019

It can get so overwhelming, all the information coming at you! What you want is to save your marriage. But you are probably already overwhelmed with the situation… much less, getting help for your situation!

Sometimes, it is just time to “get back to basics.” This B2B series is my attempt to take it down to simplicity… what happened, why did it happen, and what do you do?

In this episode of the podcast (listen below), we take a look at what happened: how your marriage got into trouble, how your relationship got disconnected, and how your marriage slid into crisis.

Since we don’t get much help in understanding what marriage is about (much less, how to be married), it shouldn’t be a surprise that marriages DO get into trouble. The question is, when you find you are in a crisis, what do you do to get yourself and your marriage to a better place?

And so, we start with what went wrong. Discover how a marriage stalls, why it starts falling, and how it ends up in a nosedive.

Listen to the episode below.

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blah, Blah, BLAH… BANG

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 12, 2018

And suddenly… crisis!

(or not)

RARELY does a crisis come “out of the blue.”

Many times, people will tell me that they “had no idea,” or “never saw it coming.” But then, we start talking. And they tell me about those little warning signs along the way. The ones they ignored. Or that they didn’t fully respond to.

Those signs? That’s the “blah, blah, blah’s” that come before the crisis. The “I’m not happy.” The “something’s not quite right.” The “I need something to change.” Those are the “blah’s” that are either missed or ignored.

Or half-heartedly heard.

No real changes. Just attempts to duck the conflict, to change the conversation.

Here’s the thing: if you are already at BANG!, you can’t go back and address the “blah’s”. You do have to deal with the crisis. But you also want to be clear on how you got here. How the “blah’s” got missed. And why you are at BANG!

Let’s talk about it on this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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“Where Do I Focus?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 18, 2017

Whenever I am alone on a long drive, I try to answer all the calls I can. This past weekend gave me another opportunity. I delivered my son to college and had an 8 hour drive home.

I answered a call as I was leaving the mountains. The woman on the call told me she had my System. But in the midst of the crisis, she needed some shortcut. She wanted a simple place to focus.

First, I got her to promise me she would read the whole System and apply ALL of it. She promised she was looking for real guidance. Not just a trick or easy answer.

I told her there are 2 places of focus, as far as I was concerned. If I boiled it all down, this gave her 2 “handles” to hold onto as she put her plan together and moved forward.

Sometimes, when you are under pressure, some pretty good things come out of it. My 2 words of focus for her? “Respect” and “Connect.” It was good enough that I wanted to share this with you.

Listen to the podcast below to learn what I mean (even if you don’t feel respect and aren’t feeling connected). And how to get started!

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Gratitude In The Midst Of Crisis

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 23, 2016

Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States. The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us.

Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks?

Yep.

In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yes, it is important every day. But when your life is upside-down, gratitude can help you get it rightside-up.

Is it easy?

Nope.

Is it important?

Yep. So, let’s talk about finding gratitude (not just having gratitude, but finding it) in the midst of a crisis.

Need more on being thankful and feeling gratitude? Listen here and here.

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Shift from “What Happened?” to “What Now?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 8, 2016

When a crisis strikes, we all have a tendency to get stuck in the “What Happened” loop.

We keep going over and over the details, looking for what we missed along the way, looking for the places things could be different.

Many times, we are trying to re-write history, to make it have happened differently, or not at all. We are, in essence, looking for a way to re-write history.

Unfortunately, we can’t rewrite history. And the process only serves to anchor us to the problems and pain.

A shift to “What Now” breaks the loop, and creates possibility and potential. This is where change happens. This is where reconnection happens. This is where healing happens.

Are YOU stuck in the “What Happened?” loop? Time to break it and shift to “What Now?” Listen to this week’s podcast training for how to make the shift.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 C’s of Change
No Pause In Marriage
Show Up
Forgiveness
Being a WE
Grab the System

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“The Last Straw”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 25, 2016

A fight. An affair. An indiscretion. An argument. Some event.

Suddenly, someone announces “this is over.”

You may point to that event, the moment when things seemed to turn upside down.

But that event was just that: an event. It was a “tipping point.” Almost always, there was a long, slow climb to the top before you “tipped over” the summit. The straw was being piled on, before that “last straw” broke the camel’s back.

Unfortunately, people tend to get focused on that single event, pointing to the symptom. Not the problem.

And that makes efforts ineffective. You are aiming at the wrong target. Deal with the problem — not the symptom — if you want to make progress.

Listen in for how.

RELATED RESOURCES:
You Need A Plan
Show Up
“Why Are We Fighting?”
We ALL Have Issues
Save The Marriage System

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Is Your Marriage On Life Support?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 27, 2016

Is your marriage on life support? You keep watching as the life slowly leaks away from your relationship. Maybe you feel powerless to turn it around. But is it too late?

When a marriage gets into trouble, there are 4 distinct levels to the crisis (this is not the same as the Stages I note in the Quick Start Guide in the System).

Here are the 4 levels:
1) Marriage Issues: This comes along early in the relationship, when the fundamentals aren’t addressed. Beliefs and expectations keep tripping up the couple.
2) Marriage Problems: Issues aren’t solved. So, now there is hurt. Then fundamentals were never solved, and issues were never solved. This leads to the hurt.
3) Marriage Crisis: The hurt from unresolved problems has led to anger and resentment. Both are feeling less motivated to do anything. Both resort to finger-pointing and blame.
4) Marriage Disaster: One or both have given up, and apathy is replacing the anger. Blame is the predominate interaction.

Sometimes, people believe that things are improving, but they are really falling into disaster. Learn the 3 reasons for this, along with what to do at each level in this week’s podcast below.

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