marriage podcast – Page 2 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Limiting Beliefs Blocking Your Spouse

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg August 4, 2022 August 4, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 4, 2022

We all have limiting beliefs. You… me… and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ’s question about how to deal with her spouse’s belief that “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.” I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

(Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE — let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I’ll try to answer!)

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You are NOT Enemies!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 13, 2022

Roles. We all have them. We all play them.

Some are “identity roles.” They identify us in the role. For example, I am “son,” “father,” “brother,” “husband.”

Some are “function roles.” They identify what we do. For example, I am “coach,” “therapist,” “author,” “speaker,” and “podcaster” (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life.

Then there are “attribution roles.” They try to describe why we do something.

And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them.

Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim.

To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim.

And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck.

Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles… and what to do, instead.

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Can a Marriage Turn Around Quickly?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 29, 2022

Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around… for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction. Does it take days? Weeks?? Years???

I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast.

That doesn’t mean YOUR marriage will. But it often does happen.

Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse, and then seemingly come back to life overnight?

It all has to do with a basic human need that we all have. It is the central part of a marriage, and goes so deep that when it is missing, it is painful. When it is restored (the right way), it is immediately healing. Listen below for why marriage turn quickly (and why the don’t).

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Crisis Clarity

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 24, 2022

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn’t so helpful.

Let’s backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity?

Just for a moment, let’s assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best — that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track.

Then suddenly, the crisis emerges. You learn about an affair. Your spouse gives you the “love you, not in love with you” speech. Your spouse wants to separate. You get divorce papers. Or… fill in the blank ____________.

It is no longer a theoretical problem.

It is a full-blown crisis!

And that crisis gets your attention. Your FULL attention.

That is Crisis Clarity.

Yes, it can be helpful. And it can also be harmful.

How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Some Truths for Every Couple

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 13, 2022

Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages.

Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage — happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage — this applies! If you are struggling through — this applies! If you aren’t sure if it will survive — this applies!

A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind.

And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too.

Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage — and can build a great relationship!

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How You Show Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 23, 2022

We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

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5 Factors of Success

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 16, 2022

I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved. Yes, it is true. Not every marriage WILL be saved. I can’t guarantee that.

But I DO think there is a “reverse” guarantee. If your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will NOT survive. But guarantee that it WILL survive? I can’t do that.

What I try to do, instead, is “stack the deck” in your favor. I try to provide tools and change that will INCREASE the chances of your saving your marriage. And not just save. Help it to thrive. Help you to build a marriage that BOTH of you would treasure and protect.

Some people act like it is just a game of chance. A flip of the coin. Heads up, you stay married; tails up, you divorce. That is NOT the case. You can improve your chances. But not just by trying “a little of this, a little of that.” You need a coherent process and method, along with some tools and understandings.

But what I have noticed is there are some factors that determine a higher likelihood of success. And the more of these five factors that are moving your way, the better your “hand” you are playing.

One of these factors is outside of your control. But you have four others that you CAN control. You want to save your marriage and you want to improve it. Your spouse, though, can’t see that right now. So, you need to have your best hand to play as you work on the relationship.

What are those 5 Factors? I discuss each one in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

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Gut Punch Moments

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 2, 2022

I’ll bet you know exactly what I mean by the Gut Punch Moment. It is when your spouse says, “I don’t love you” or that variation, “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or when you discover the affair or other marital infidelity (including financial). Or when you discover some other hidden part of your spouse’s life that makes you question everything. Or when your spouse announces the need to separate. Or the divorce papers arrive.

Gut punch.

You lose your breath. You feel like a rug has been ripped from underneath your feet.

Gut punch.

And it might not be the first! It might be in the midst of efforts to save what you already know is a hurting marriage. Then, you find out more. Gut punch #2 (or 3, 4, 5….).

It wouldn’t be a surprise if you don’t react the way you want to or wish you had. That is often what happens. And then, there is a spouse looking at you, surprised by your reaction (do remember that whatever that gut punch, they already knew it — they had already prepared!).

But what now?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we cover that Gut Punch Moment, and what to do about it. Listen below.

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Beyond Romance

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 16, 2022

For lots of people, this past Monday could not pass fast enough. I heard from a number of people with struggling marriages that told me Valentine’s Day was just one more hurdle. Not a celebration of love, but a moment of further resentment and pain.

Does romance just die with “I do”? Some people seem to think so. For others, the waning romantic feelings are one more proof that the marriage is dead, that the love is gone.

How did we go to using just the romantic feelings as the basis for love? When did this become proof that something was wrong?

And why do we seem to believe that the romantic feelings are either there… or they aren’t?

Somehow, this has become twisted, that romantic feelings lead to love, rather than the romantic feelings flowing from connection AND action.

When we disconnect, it shouldn’t be a surprise that those warm, romantic feelings also suffer. And then, somehow, many people fail to see that the connection and love flows from loving action.

So, can it be turned around?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the 3 barriers to those romantic feelings. And I give 4 ways to start rebuilding back toward romance.

Listen below.

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It’s Not About Who Wins

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 9, 2022

I remember saying to a couple on my couch, both claiming they were doing more and working harder for their relationship, “It’s not a competition!”

They didn’t much seem to believe me. They were simultaneously trying to win while proving they were losing. Yep, they were trying to win at a game of “who does more and gets less.” I am not sure what the trophy would have been, but the “prize” appeared to be a battered and painful marriage.

And they weren’t alone. They AREN’T alone! Lots of couples act like they are in a competition to win. And they think it is an individual sport, not a team sport!

That’s where the damage happens. Instead of playing to win at life, they are playing to win against a spouse.

Against. Anytime you find yourself against your spouse, you can guarantee the outcome is not a win for the team. It is not a help for the marriage… for the relationship.

With every win you get in an individual competition, there is a loser… in this case, your spouse. And if your spouse wins, you lose.

Learn why this is so dangerous and how to escape the one-on-one competition in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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